Preach it...

Well, tomorrow is the day...

At 10am I will be preaching in church for the first time ever...

I think I might puke...

I'll let y'all know how it goes...

Side Swiped

This week has been bizarre!!

Less than a week ago I was lamenting over homework and now I couldn't care less about it.

I'm doing my homework, by the way...

It never ceases to amaze me how life can change in an instant. I'm so glad I threw the 5 year plan out the window long ago...

I have been completely side swiped this week and it is so wonderful!

Senioritis

There are about 400 thoughts in my head at this moment that I could write about (I guess that happens when you are an inconsistent blogger... Sean, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time!) In order to not confuse you with the workings of the labyrinth called my brain I will stick to one: School.

I've never been much of the studious type. I like learning, but I don't like homework. I like the social aspect of school, but again, I don't like homework. I like going to class, just not at 8:00 every day and I like reading... but once again, I really don't like homework.

I understand that it's a great discipline to learn, but really I could do without it... Well... In a perfect world.

You see, I've been battling a terrible case of senioritis. Symptoms: procrastination and avoidance, a serious lack of desire to attend classes, and a "please don't make me read another page" mentality. Not fun...

It all came to a head yesterday morning. I woke up, beat from the weekend, and decided to skip class to spend time with Jesus. Then I spent the entire time asking to help me desire to be a better student. I want to do well, but I don't want to go to school!!

Well, he is a God who answers prayers. I'm not going to go into detail, but he poured out encouragement, blessing, faithfulness, and love on me like I never expected. He reminded me, "this is not just for you, and I have big plans." It was much needed and very good.

Moral of the story - God is a God who hears us, and responds to us.

I still don't want to do my homework, but I've got a renewed perspective on why I go to school. If for no other reason than to bring him glory, I will do it.

I'll try to be better at this whole blogging thing... Just like school...

Not Enough...

Well, this is it. The last day of Summer. It came to an end so quickly, but I feel as if this transition from season to season is unlike any I've ever had.

In a sense, it's like vacation is over and it's now time to focus on more important things in life. I think that recently I've remembered the importance of living for others.

I seem to have vague memories of a time in my life when I did that, but I think I've regressed. I find myself asking the same questions of myself:

"What does a life lived for others look like?"

"How am I not already doing that?"

"What areas do I need to change to live a life that abandons self preservation in favor of others?"

I guess there are two more questions that are more important: First I need to ask "How am I a poor representation of Jesus?" and second I need to take a good, hard, deep, look and ask "Are you willing to hear the answers?" Maybe the second needs to come first...

Jesus, my desire is for you! I know that it means certain death to ask you to come and make me dependent on you, but if death is what it takes, kill every last fiber of me. Make me a woman who is able to say with confidence, "though you slay me, Lord, Still I will follow you."

may by ability no longer be enough to get by on. I need the Holy Spirit and the power of the living God to be my strength. I need you...

Let it be.

August 2nd...

... was a bummer day.

Better luck tomorrow... (I hope)...

Journal Excerpt 7.12.09 (edited)

"...Would you continue to scrape away those areas of sickness and un-health so that I can be made whole and clean. I know that there are areas that I need to be cleaned of – take them!
I need you cleansing so badly

My unholiness craves your holiness – Your cleansing – You

Father, will you give me a healthy perspective... Show me ways in which I can change and be more like you. God, I want to be blameless, not because I don’t want to be at fault, but because I have the character and integrity of your Son.
I want to look like Him…

I want to talk like Him, care like Him, love, like He loved.

People will look at me like I’m crazy – I know that… But would you help me to be secure in you enough to let my image be thrown out the window. I don’t really care what they think – But help me to care less. Their impression of me is irrelevant. Ingrain that in my mind.
Father, I want to be willing to be made a fool for your name’s sake – Right now I’m not. I’m too concerned with what others will think. Kill that part of me.
Father, would you humble me to the point that I am willing to be seen as foolish. Will you break my heart to the point that my image no longer matters?
Right now I am too caught up in self to be lost in you, but I want to lose myself so that I might be found.
God will you free me from myself?

I think it is something I desperately need..."

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