The Life and Times...

WOO!!!

2010-04-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

This little post serves only one purpose.

I'm gettin' hitched!!!!

August 20th, 2010

I'm a bit excited...

Almost

2010-03-27T02:12:00.000-07:00

Ha ha!! I was attempting to be better at the whole blogging thing... Here I am a month later, finally getting to it.

Let me preface the following with this: I know my life isn't hard. I know my life is manageable, and I know that age old saying "this too shall pass."

With that said, I want to walk out back, pull out my hair and kick something... something hard. You know those places where everything feels like it's in between, and nothing feels like it's moving forward? I think I'm in one of those places. It's like nothing seems to move, but I can't keep up. I think that's been the mantra for this semester. I started out behind, but it feels as if I'm going nowhere!

Don't get me wrong, things are good. I have only one year left of school, I'm in love with the most amazing man ever, I have a roof over my head and I can pay my bills. I have a job (Praise the Lord!) and more than just my basic needs are met. What more could I ask for? I'm better of than 80% of the world's population.

Hmm...

One month of school left. Two days until David meets the family. one 20 page research paper, 2 huge presentations, 4 normal sized papers, 1 exam and 4 finals left to go until I'm free for a little while.

Summer's so close I can almost taste it.

... almost...

Another Attempt

2010-02-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's been such a long time. So long, in fact, that I wonder if it's even worth picking up the whole blog thing again.

One way to find out??

I guess I'll try not to get into many thought this time around. It's like starting over again.

Where does one begin, anyway? After so long...

There are a lot of thoughts bouncing around that I should address soon...

- School

- Theology

- Worship

- A theology of worship

- Marriage

- Community

I bet there's more but some people spend a lifetime talking about just one of these, so I'll leave it at that.

More to come soon...

Thoughts

2010-01-20T01:21:00.000-08:00

Boy it's been a while...

I can't remember the last time I wrote something even mildly worth reading...

I've been thinking the past couple weeks about a lot of things. Relationships (and not just the romantic kinds) people, discipleship, education, discipline, worship, priorities...

SO many thoughts, just swimming an swirling.

Most of these thoughts consist of things I'm not doing that I should be, or things I should be better at that I don't do well. Sometimes they consist of things I wish were different... Sometimes of things I hope never change...

In all of it, though, there are a couple themes that seem to commonly reappear. It's as if a voice is saying over and over again, "Keep your eyes on me, keep your priorities straight."

I keep wondering if this all boils down to one thing: Worship.

By worshipping Him, my life will change. By my life changing I will be more like him.

All of this is too much for this time of night, but there are many more thoughts in my brain.

Worship: How do I make it a part of who I am even more so? Not just a part of what I do on Sunday mornings?

Finals avoidance tactics

2009-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

Newest finals avoidance tactic: Odosketch

Promises to provide hours of sketching fun...

Preach it...

2009-11-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

Well, tomorrow is the day...

At 10am I will be preaching in church for the first time ever...

I think I might puke...

I'll let y'all know how it goes...

Side Swiped

2009-10-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

This week has been bizarre!!

Less than a week ago I was lamenting over homework and now I couldn't care less about it.

I'm doing my homework, by the way...

It never ceases to amaze me how life can change in an instant. I'm so glad I threw the 5 year plan out the window long ago...

I have been completely side swiped this week and it is so wonderful!

Senioritis

2009-10-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

There are about 400 thoughts in my head at this moment that I could write about (I guess that happens when you are an inconsistent blogger... Sean, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time!) In order to not confuse you with the workings of the labyrinth called my brain I will stick to one: School.

I've never been much of the studious type. I like learning, but I don't like homework. I like the social aspect of school, but again, I don't like homework. I like going to class, just not at 8:00 every day and I like reading... but once again, I really don't like homework.

I understand that it's a great discipline to learn, but really I could do without it... Well... In a perfect world.

You see, I've been battling a terrible case of senioritis. Symptoms: procrastination and avoidance, a serious lack of desire to attend classes, and a "please don't make me read another page" mentality. Not fun...

It all came to a head yesterday morning. I woke up, beat from the weekend, and decided to skip class to spend time with Jesus. Then I spent the entire time asking to help me desire to be a better student. I want to do well, but I don't want to go to school!!

Well, he is a God who answers prayers. I'm not going to go into detail, but he poured out encouragement, blessing, faithfulness, and love on me like I never expected. He reminded me, "this is not just for you, and I have big plans." It was much needed and very good.

Moral of the story - God is a God who hears us, and responds to us.

I still don't want to do my homework, but I've got a renewed perspective on why I go to school. If for no other reason than to bring him glory, I will do it.

I'll try to be better at this whole blogging thing... Just like school...

Not Enough...

2009-09-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. The last day of Summer. It came to an end so quickly, but I feel as if this transition from season to season is unlike any I've ever had.

In a sense, it's like vacation is over and it's now time to focus on more important things in life. I think that recently I've remembered the importance of living for others.

I seem to have vague memories of a time in my life when I did that, but I think I've regressed. I find myself asking the same questions of myself:

"What does a life lived for others look like?"

"How am I not already doing that?"

"What areas do I need to change to live a life that abandons self preservation in favor of others?"

I guess there are two more questions that are more important: First I need to ask "How am I a poor representation of Jesus?" and second I need to take a good, hard, deep, look and ask "Are you willing to hear the answers?" Maybe the second needs to come first...

Jesus, my desire is for you! I know that it means certain death to ask you to come and make me dependent on you, but if death is what it takes, kill every last fiber of me. Make me a woman who is able to say with confidence, "though you slay me, Lord, Still I will follow you."

may by ability no longer be enough to get by on. I need the Holy Spirit and the power of the living God to be my strength. I need you...

Let it be.

August 2nd...

2009-08-03T00:16:00.000-07:00

... was a bummer day.

Better luck tomorrow... (I hope)...

Journal Excerpt 7.12.09 (edited)

2009-07-12T21:44:00.000-07:00

"...Would you continue to scrape away those areas of sickness and un-health so that I can be made whole and clean. I know that there are areas that I need to be cleaned of – take them!
I need you cleansing so badly

My unholiness craves your holiness – Your cleansing – You

Father, will you give me a healthy perspective... Show me ways in which I can change and be more like you. God, I want to be blameless, not because I don’t want to be at fault, but because I have the character and integrity of your Son.
I want to look like Him…

I want to talk like Him, care like Him, love, like He loved.

People will look at me like I’m crazy – I know that… But would you help me to be secure in you enough to let my image be thrown out the window. I don’t really care what they think – But help me to care less. Their impression of me is irrelevant. Ingrain that in my mind.
Father, I want to be willing to be made a fool for your name’s sake – Right now I’m not. I’m too concerned with what others will think. Kill that part of me.
Father, would you humble me to the point that I am willing to be seen as foolish. Will you break my heart to the point that my image no longer matters?
Right now I am too caught up in self to be lost in you, but I want to lose myself so that I might be found.
God will you free me from myself?

I think it is something I desperately need..."

I don't know why this is so fascinating...

2009-07-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

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Then check out more fun things at www.eatpes.com

25

2009-06-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

It'll be my birthday soon.
I love my birthday. A lot! But this one is so weird.
I find myself repeating, over and over, "you're going to be 25 and you haven't even started your life yet!"
Something about turning 25 makes adulthood seem more real. Now, I know that 25 isn't old, but you have to bear with me, because I've never turned 25 before... I guess I just thought things would be different at 25 than they are. I wouldn't change them and I think that things are pretty great, but it has caused me to contemplate a lot.
It's already been 25 years since I was born. A lot has happened (as I'm sure a lot more will) but it has all happened so quickly... and it just keeps getting quicker.
I was wandering through thoughts the other day and it hit me that someday I'm going to die. In 25 more years I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday and I might have children graduating high school, or having children... and then in 25 more years, I could be celebrating another quarter of a century and the end of life will be so near.
I wonder if I'll be scared.
I think what concerns me more is that life will never start. Yes, right now college is my life but I don't want that to just be my life! I want to meet people and go places and do things. I want to learn fun stuff like photography and painting! I want to make people breakfast and coffee and learn how to play the cello...
So many things! So little time!
Luckily I've got about 10 more days to get used to the idea... I'm sure it will provide a lot more opportunity for God to reveal himself to me.
His plans, His purposes...
I guess it doesn't matter if I've got 2 more years or 200... as long as I live them for Him.

Socialism

2009-05-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

Let me begin this by saying that I'm not very politically minded and I don't have answers to these questions yet, but some conversations I've had this week have caused me to question some stuff.

- Does socialism inhibit freedom? Social health care for example: If the government provides health care to you, they can dictate when you are and aren't eligible to receive certain services... a woman in China is only allowed to have one child and if she exceeds that number the government will likely require that she abort her pregnancy and be sterilized... I would not call that free.

- Does socialism encourage mediocrity? Socialism, as far as I understand it, attempts to put everyone on a more level playing field. What's the point of striving to be successful if everyone receives the same benefit? What's the point of working hard if you can reap the same benefit as those who do not work at all?

- Do our consumeristic ideals encourage us to buy into socialism? Think about this - Consumerism is about getting more for less, right? Consumerism asks the question, "Where can I get more for less?" Naturally, if we are already in this mindset we will probably be excited when someone comes along and says "I'll give you all this for nothing, and you can be just as good as everyone else!" However, are we so excited to get something for what seems like nothing that we forget about the implications it might have on our overall quality of life? ... What about taxes, housing, the number of children I have, the future of those children?

Here's my last question... and again, I have not thought through this completely:

- Is socialism antithetical to the message of the gospel? Jesus says "give up everything to follow me, you father, your mother, your riches. Leave your family and give what you have to the poor and follow me. Store up treasures in heaven" There are many more examples than the few I can think of off hand, but it seems that Jesus says that some will have a reward that is greater than others. This reward seems to be directly related to how much they gave up for the kingdom. Everyone is an heir and everyone can receive the saving blood of Jesus, but not all will enter into heaven. If Jesus was a socialist then what would be the point of even accepting him and trying to live for him? If Jesus were a socialist, wouldn't he have to bring into the kingdom even those who don't believe in him...

I really don't know... Maybe I am completely misunderstanding the premise of socialistic society...

I'd love to hear what you all have to say.

The Magician's Nephew

2009-04-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

There are some things that just strike you.
a beautiful sunrise-flowers blooming-dear friends-well written books...

One of the things on my summer "To Do" list is to re-read the Narnia chronicles. Last night I finished the first book in the series. It's awesome.
It took a little over a day to read the little book, what with work and other obligations, but toward the end I found it difficult to hold back tears.

Aslan creates the land of Narnia and chooses some of his creatures to be intelligent beings, to watch over Narnia. After he chooses them, this is what he says:

"Narnia, Narnia, Narnia, awake. Love. Think. Speak. Be walking trees. Be talking beasts. Be divine waters... Creatures, I give you yourselves. I give to you forever this land of Narnia. I give you the woods, the fruits, the rivers. I give you the stars and I give you myself... Laugh and fear not... You see, friends, that before the new, clean world I gave you is seven hours old, a force of evil has already entered it; waked and brought hither by this son of Adam. Evil will come of that evil... and I will see to it that the worst falls upon myself..."

So Good... Probably more to come...

Mohammed

2009-04-11T23:37:00.001-07:00

Today I went to Chico with a couple friends. We went to go to a Jazz concert at Laxon Auditorium and decided to go a few hours early to hang out. On the agenda was falafel wraps at Petra Mediterranean Restaurant. (so incredibly amazing!!)
So we're at this little place and the owner, Mohammad, is making our falafels, talking to us about our lives and his life. He is such a nice guy. It came up that we go to a christian college and then he asked, "you are Christians?" After we answered yes he began to ask all sorts of questions. Very good, but very hard questions.
I go to a bible school and I'm studying Theology, but I feel like I'll never be well enough prepared for things like this. Some of the questions were easy enough, (what is the difference between Catholic and Protestant? You mean Christians do not all believe the same?) but some of his questions were hard (How is it that you can believe Jesus is the Son of God and God himself, yet you only believe in one God...)

Sometimes I feel so ignorant...
Sometimes I wonder if Redding is too isolated...
Sometimes I think I'm too comfortable here...
Sometimes I think I'll never have these answers...

So, here is what I questioned throughout the remainder of the night, "What do I say? What could I have done differently? What can I store away in my memory bank for next time?? God, How do I reach this man, and his family... and an entire planet... who will all die and go to hell if I don't do something???!!!"

Two things came to mind:
-"it is customary for me, as a Christian, to pray to God for_________ (fill in the blank: lunch, friends, sickness, etc.) May I pray for you?"
- live a life people will be intrigued by and attracted to.

In one of my text books there is a paragraph about Australia. Apparently, ranchers in Australia don't use fences. The territories are too big to keep a fence repaired and in working order. Instead, they build wells in the areas they want their livestock to stay. If life giving water is readily available, there will be no need for the livestock to leave and the animals will stay close.
I'm sure you can make the connection...

...This all leaves me with one more thought: I am ignorant!!! ...and I've got so incredibly far to go.....

Wedding night vs. Marriage life

2009-03-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

It seems like everyone is talking about it... or doing it...
It seems like everywhere I turn there's a blog, a book, a conversation or speculation about marriage... That's right: Marriage.
So, all of this marriage talk (and the fact that I know a dozen or more couples tying the knot this summer) has gotten me thinking...
When I was in high school and early college marriage was this big deal thing. Mostly because getting married meant one huge thing: Sex. A lot of people I knew were already having sex, so for them it was no big deal, but for the ones who waited it was a very big deal... To the point that that's where the wedding day ended. If you had asked me at 19 years old where a wedding day ends I would have said "the bedroom"
So, now I'm older and a lot of my friends are getting married. I'm so excited for all of them! But, all of this marriage and wedding stuff has made me start thinking again. I don't know when it was - Maybe a couple months ago - but I was thinking about weddings and I had this thought: What happens after the wedding night?
Now, before you think I'm a complete idiot, let me reassure you, I know what happens... The point, though, is that the "wedding night" had become so engrained as the pinnacle of marriage that It had never crossed my mind to think into the day after the wedding, let alone the month, or decade... SCARY STUFF!!!
So this is what I've been thinking - not about wedding ceremonies or the wedding night - I've been thinking about marriage.
As I began to think past the wedding night I also began to think about the struggles of life together - Learning together, submitting to one another - arguing - apologizing - Cooking dinner and doing laundry - raising children... (Seriously, this list could go on for pages.) I began to think of the qualities of a good husband: a protector and provider, a support and encourager, a man who is willing to lay down his life for the good of his wife and children, someone to help guide me and rebuke me if I need it... and most importantly, a man who is willing to give anything and everything for the sake of following Jesus and making the Gospel known to the nations...
At some point it dawned on me: Those are the things that God is for me already.
God is my protector, my provider and my supporting encourager. He is willing to lay down his life, in fact, he already has. He guides me and rebukes me and his greatest desire is that everyone would hear the Gospel. And to top it all off, He is wildly in love with me.
I wonder, what would my life look like if I focused less on a "wedding night" experience with God and more on a "marriage life" with Him...

Song of Songs 4: 6-16
The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride.
Leave Lebanon behind, and come.
Leave your high mountain hideaway.
Abandon your wilderness seclusion, where you keep company with lions and panthers guard your safety.
You've captured my heart, dear friend.
You looked at me, and I fell in love.
One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!
How beautiful your love, dear, dear friend—
far more pleasing than a fine, rare wine, your fragrance more exotic than select spices.
The kisses of your lips are honey, my love, every syllable you speak a delicacy to savor.
Your clothes smell like the wild outdoors, the ozone scent of high mountains.
Dear lover and friend, you're a secret garden, a private and pure fountain.
Body and soul, you are paradise, a whole orchard of succulent fruits—
Ripe apricots and peaches, oranges and pears;
Nut trees and cinnamon, and all scented woods;
Mint and lavender, and all herbs aromatic;
A garden fountain, sparkling and splashing, fed by spring waters from the Lebanon mountains.

(The Woman)
Wake up, North Wind,
get moving, South Wind!
Breathe on my garden,
fill the air with spice fragrance.
Oh, let my lover enter his garden!
Yes, let him eat the fine, ripe fruits.

...How Beautiful.

Exciting Discoveries!!

2009-03-07T17:44:00.000-08:00

So, sometime last week I went to pick up my bike from the house I used to live at. It had been sitting for a while. I was at school and didn't have anywhere covered to store it and one of the gals living there had been using it... but then it got a flat... and then it just sat there... with one sad flat tire accumulating dust.
That made me sad.
But then I moved and had plenty of places to store it so I went and got it...
Last night Julie helped me change the tube and tune it up a bit (She's absolutely amazing... She even fed me Lasagna!) And today was a nearly perfect day... So I went riding.
It was AMAZING!! Let me just tell you how incredibly perfect it was. First, I live right across the street from a really pretty well kept preserve that has trails. They're pretty easy and just plain beautiful so I started there. The trails lead to all sorts of places so I figured I'd just explore.
I stopped at the little pond for a few minutes and said "hi" to the little bird friends that live there. Ducks, Geese, Some little loon-ish looking birds, red-winged black birds, killdeer, and I also saw an egret. It was great.
I followed the trail and it forked off so I took the right fork and ended up at another entrance to the preserve. I rode down that road and came to Airport Rd. One of the bigger roads in town (Although there's not a whole lot on it.) I knew that if I turned right I could do a full circle and some more exploring, so I did! That's when I made another amazing discovery!! There's a little privately owned burrito store in town and taking the way I did it's only about a 10 minute ride from the house... They have the best Salsa Verde in town... I'm stoked about that.
I kept riding and passed all sorts of things. Jose's diner, Risen King's current church offices, Dutch Bros. and some houses.
Then I stopped to feed a horse some grass, rode around in some neighborhoods (I actually took a street I wasn't familiar with and got lost) and then I had made it full circle so I decided to check out the other trails in the preserve before I rode my little self home.
The weather was perfect and the scenery was green and beautiful... I thought about a lot of stuff because it was quiet and I was alone...
Altogether it was an amazing Saturday...
I'm sure there will be more cycling adventure stories to come!!

Hymns

2009-02-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to Hymns lately. I know a lot of people don't like them, but if you listen to the words you will quickly see that they are rich with praise, adoration and theology!! I admit, without shame, that I LOVE HYMNS!!!
Here's the latest favorite. Fernando Ortega does it really well.
Seriously... if you don't listen to hymns you should... You'll be rocked...

O Sacred Head Now Wounded
O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
How pale thou art with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How doth Thy visage languish that once was bright as morn!

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

Mid-Day thought

2009-02-24T12:48:00.001-08:00

Relevance is not making something palatable.
They aren't the same thing...

Just some thoughts...

2009-02-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

Well, it was bound to happen at some point. Thoughts have been brewing. (Most likely it's because I have been slacking on school work and therefore have extra time to think about something other than the contents of my educational experience.)
I went back a couple days ago and read what I had written after coming back from world mandate and I realized how easy it is to forget the things that God does. I had remembered the big points. I remember that I want to intentionally build relationships. I remembered that there really is so much more to following Jesus than my little life... I'm a drop in a bucket; a grain of sand on the ocean shore... Those things I remember with ease. It's the uncomfortable things that are easier to forget.

It's easy to forget that I've asked God to take control. It's easy to forget that I deeply want him to. It's easier to forget that I have to participate with him - that I can't just sit back and expect him to do everything.
It makes me think of how important it was for the Israelites to remember. "remember that you were slaves in Egypt..." "Remember the commands that moses gave you..." "Remember the wonders he has done..." "Remember to extol his work..." "Remember to obey his precepts..." "Remember the wonders He has done..."
If I'm anything like the Israelites (sinful, ungrateful, selfish... human) and I am, then this should be my mantra right?
Remember, remember.... (slightly reminiscent of The Lion King, isn't it?)
Just something to work toward I guess...

There's other stuff rolling around in there, but none of it is really formulated enough to write about...
So that concludes this evening's purging of thoughts... I'm sure there will be more to come!

World Mandate '09

2009-01-31T23:04:00.000-08:00

Well it's been about a week and I'm sure the couple of you who actually read this are wondering when I'm going to write something about World Mandate. This is what you've been waiting for:
First of all, it was incredible!! When we went I wasn't really thinking that God would do anything huge in me, but in the same light I expected him to do something. I think that he was very intentional in providing a way for me to go. It was an incredible blessing to get away for a few days.
Anyway, we left from Sacramento on Thursday and spent about 26 hours in various airports around the country... well, three. It was quite the adventure. We eventually met up with some friends in Dallas and all drove to Waco together. It was so nice to see our friends who planted a church in Santa Cruz a couple years ago. My best friend, Alana, was there and that was enough to make my whole weekend.
When we got to Waco we headed straight to the conference. The first session was good. The most amazing part was worship. The church that puts on this conference every year has the most incredible worship team I've ever heard. They are SO good! We learned a couple new songs and then listened to the speaker share an amazing story of how God brought him through a broken marriage and then to Lebanon as a missionary. It was crazy! Good stuff!!!
Saturday morning was amazing... but I was way too grumpy to enjoy it. Actually, I was really grumpy almost all of Saturday. I don't know what my problem was... I was being a jerk, and trying really hard not to. Natalie and I skipped one of the break out sessions and hung out at the little coffee shop on the edge of Baylor's campus. Then we went to one of the breakout sessions and then to dinner before the last session. At one point I was talking to Linda and Alana about how I really wanted to get prayer. Not that I felt I needed it for anything specific, but I had come all the way to Texas!! I figured I might as well take advantage of it. Well, I don't know which sessions they all happened, but there were a lot of things that hit me on Saturday. First was the idea that there are three perversions of truth that people frequently believe: "not me, not at this time and not this group of people." That really stuck with my. I realized as his speaker was talking about these perversions that I regularly believe all of those to be true. It's hard to believe that God wants to use me, and to believe that he's not waiting for me to be more mature or holy before he uses me. It's also hard to believe that he can use someone as incompetent as me to minister on a christian campus where everyone (almost everyone) already knows Jesus. I think this was the morning session so I had a lot of time to think about these three things throughout the day.
I realized some things about myself: I am easily confused and easily discouraged and I left California to go to Texas both confused about how God wanted to use me, and whether or not he even wanted to and discouraged that I had been at Simpson for a year and not had much opportunity to intentionally pursue intimate relationships with people.
I was frustrated! And my terrible mood was evidence of that.
So, the Saturday night session starts and I was SO on edge (and that is so unlike me!) Worship was good and the speaker was great. He said something that really struck me as interesting - "The truth is, you've got to be called to stay because the call to go has already been clearly made in the great commission." I'd never thought about that... I know for now I'm called to stay here. When I was coming back from China a couple Summers ago God told me I'd be staying in the states for a while... but that's a different story - So, the speaker told everyone that they are called somewhere and that without the empowerment of the Holy spirit we cannot truly bring the Kingdom to the places we go, so he called everyone who had a place in mind and wanted prayer to be anointed with the power of the Holy Spirit to come forward. Basically everyone went forward, including myself. Honestly it was pretty uneventful. I was disappointed that I didn't start speaking in tongues and prophesying over people, but that's not what God was doing. I sang for a little while down on the ground level and then went back to the stands where everyone else was, and who should be waiting but Alana and Linda. Linda asked if I went and got prayer. People had prayed for me, but it was fairly impersonal and general. I said that I had kinda been prayed for and then sat down... They totally saw through my cover-up.
Both Alana and Linda harassed me until I went up again, but this time they both offered to go. Linda had an old friend who was working at the conference so we tracked him down through the sea of people and she asked if he would pray for me. Esteven introduced himself and I was immediately at ease. He has this uber fatherly-ness that just leaks out of him all over the place and it was so comforting. He prayed for me and it was all dead on. I didn't say anything to him and he prayed against confusion and discouragement. He prayed that I would believe the things that God says and he prayed that I would be able to trust God with those little things (which is another difficult area for me... I'm pretty independent and I've been let down by people a lot so trusting God is really difficult sometimes.) Well, all I can say is that it was amazing.
The speaker that night had also talked briefly about Isaiah 43. It was the other thing that had caught my attention. Earlier in the night I write it down so I could go back to it. not knowing anything, Esteven prayed that I would know Isaiah 43 deep inside, and believe it. i re-read it later and it's perfect.

The whole weekend was perfect. It's hard to get back into the swing of homework and work but it was such a good weekend. There were a lot of good things to take away from everything we heard and saw. I was such a precious time with friends and such a great weekend to be reminded that not everyone in America is apathetic. I don't have to be apathetic to reach people in the states for Jesus.

There is still a lot to process, but the most tangible thing I felt I needed to continue to pursue, with fervency, is relationship with people. I know a lot of people, but I don't know very many of them intimately. I plan to spend this year developing intimate relationships with people. As a result I plan on being even more intentional about pursuing quality time with people I love and people I want to be better friends with.
My heart aches to see people draw closer to Jesus... He is so desperately IN LOVE with creation. I long so deeply to know how I can better convey that deep, longing kind of love that He has for His precious creation, for His bride. I want to love creation and love the Bride the way that he loves them. I want to ache over them, and cry over them. Mourn over losses and rejoice in even the smallest victories.
There is so much to work toward in this pursuit, but He is worth it and there is no greater joy than to serve Him by loving the people he made with thought and care.
I'm excited for this new year. I think it's going to be a good one.

Oh The Passion of Your Heart
Oh the passion of your heart, your abandoned pursuit of me
Oh the risks that you took to love someone like me
That risk has set my soul free
Your desire for me is overwhelming, it consumes your every thought
Oh the joy that you feel when our hearts touch! The joy of when we touch!
You desire to draw me so close to you, you desire to have me all to yourself
You tenderly call out my name, beckoning me to come nearer
You romance me with purity and sweet wine poured into a cup of communion
We dance and spin all around the universe
Your rage is aroused in my enemies, you defend me with arms full of strength
Your gentleness toward me is ever present, your care for me ever living
You're so eager to disclose all the secrets of your heart, to show yourself unrestrained, fully given to me
Your goodness is a placid stream, a blanket wrapped around me
Your faithfulness is the sure song of sunrise, and your promises are structures already formed
Ever deepening is the vastness of your great love, you allure me with soft array
Ever present is the pulse of your affections Your smile is gleaming with excitement to show me even more
- Enter the Worship Circle: Third Circle: Track 17

2009-01-20T21:57:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
I ask that you will guide and protect our new president. Would you fill him with wisdom and strength to lead our country well? Give him support and encouragement in his times of need, and rally around him supportive people who will help him. Silence the tongues of those who cut him down. God, help him to have a thick skin and a discerning heart. I also pray for his wife and daughters. God, I ask that you would grow their love for one another over the next four, possibly eight, years.
Be his light and his guide.
Amen

Fig Leaves and Wedding Feasts

2009-01-18T00:35:00.001-08:00

It's been a while... Life has been full what with a new semester starting. It's been good. I really like my classes.

Anyway, I've been thinking about a couple things lately. I love the picture that these two things paint of our relationship to one another and our relationship to God.

The First:
Have you ever noticed that weddings seem to revolve around the bride? Think back on various wedding experiences and you'll probably notice that a good number of them are very bride-centric. The flowers, the decor, the photos. Most of those things are meant to enhance and capture the beauty of the bride. She walks down the aisle dressed in a white gown and everyone stands. The music announces her entrance and there are even other women who walk down the aisle to announce her arrival. The groom stands at the altar, awaiting her entrance - anticipating her approach. All eyes are on HER. The Bride.
The colors are usually her favorite. The dress is usually the most ornate she will ever wear. The entire theme of the wedding is, in most cases, what SHE wants.
Now take that picture and put yourself on the aisle (guys, I know that will be hard) and picture Jesus as your awaiting groom. Now put every believe on the aisle with you.
The wedding is about the bride. The beauty, the attention, the groom. were it not for the Bride, the groom would have no reason to stand at the altar... Were it not for the groom, the bride would not walk the aisle.
Church, it's about us. The cross, the resurrection, the ascension, the gift of the Holy Spirit.
All of it gifted to us to adorn us on the day our vows are complete and we join our groom at the wedding feast.

There's still some formulating to be done to that thought, but I think it's such a beautiful picture.

The Second:
We were talking about this in one of my classes last week. It has stuck with me since then and there are thoughts that have been added. I love this one. It makes me cry.
So you've got Adam and Eve in this garden with all sorts of good stuff and then you've got this tree. THE tree. This is the tree that is to remain untouched, but then a bunch of stuff happens and the tree is touched, the fruit is eaten and Adam and Eve have to leave the garden. Now, listen to this: My Roommate, Kristin, was talking about choices this afternoon and something she said struck me. She was recalling a message from a parenting series by Danny Silk at Bethel Church, here in Redding. She said that God created all things and gave Adam and Eve the freedom to choose how they would live. He said not to eat the fruit, but they chose. The were able to choose because they were free from the get go. God isn't a controlling God and He allowed the bad choice to be made, despite the heartache it caused Him. Now, as we were talking in class this week, we noted how after that first poor choice, Adam and Eve were addressed as individuals instead of together and that they were ashamed and covered themselves. Sin - the first poor choice - Brought shame and separation to all mankind and it brought separation between God and Man.
Now here's the interesting part:
God didn't give them the boot and say "well Adam you're on your own! See-ya, wouldn't wannna be-ya." No, God has compassion on Adam and Eve. He sees their shame and he kills some of the animals to make clothing for them. The first thing he does for them is make a sacrifice to cover their nakedness.
The first thing God does is Make a sacrifice to cover their shame, and it sets the precedent for the rest of the story. The story that we still are living out today.
We still make poor choices and God still covers our shame. Jesus became the sacrifice that would take care of it once and for all.
We are separated, and we are shamed, but God's sacrifice covers our shame.

I love it. It's so beautiful. It's so wonderful to think that in my bad judgement, God would be willing to make a sacrifice to make me a garment more lasting than the fig leaves I can find on my own.

Well, I think I'm rambling now. It must be bedtime.
I'm sure there will be more musings and ramblings to come... eventually.

Christmastime

2008-12-16T00:33:00.000-08:00

It's nearly Christmas.
There are lights on many houses in my neighborhood
Last night there was snow
A Christmas tree graces the window of our house, and there are cookies everywhere.
It's nearly Christmas... and my friends are losing their baby boy.

He's made his last trip to the hospital, and their family is waiting. They have been battling the cancer for as long as I can remember and this winter the fight will be over.
There is hope mingled with the sadness though. This wonderful couple knows the home their son will be going to and they know that they will meet again, but it doesn't change the fact that this will be the last Christmas with their little one... If he makes it that long.
Please pray for this precious family, and don't forget to cherish every moment and every person this holiday season. We'll never get those moments back.

Current Events

2008-12-15T03:24:00.000-08:00

Well, once again the fate of a semester well spent is sealed. I think I did well (fingers crossed at least)
The semester seems like It's been a productive one... But the real productivity, that has no direct influence on my intellectual development that is, is that I've accomplished more in the past three days than ever expected.
sometimes I impress myself!!

1. MOVING!! I even packed everything up instead of trying to carry random objects, one by one, to my new humble abode... My off campus abode, might I add... Off campus, with a hot tub, 2 cute kids, and a few people that I really love. I'm excited.
2. BOOKS!!! Not just any books, but brainless fiction that required little effort! Don't laugh at me, but I started the twilight series and I've already finished the first two books. I'm really enjoying myself. I thought I'd be able to stretch them out over winter break, but if I can get my hand on the last two I'll be done by week's end. Now I just need to decide what other books I'm bringing with Tennessee. Options: Blue Like Jazz, Eugene Peterson, Chronicles of Narnia... The list could go on forever... Suggestions, however, are welcome
3. BEER AND WINE!! This sounds so ridiculous, I know, but I've been waiting for over a year! I thought it'd be longer, so I was fine waiting, and then Simpson's policies changed a bit... and that change was in my favor. Last night natalie went to The Downtown Eatery and shared Chicken Tikkah and Beer Battered sunchokes and She got the house merlot I think and I had a valley of the moon syrah... SO Good. Not to mention the sierra nevada celebration ale currently sitting in the bottom right drawer of the fridge. It's so hearty that we have to share one instead of drinking our own.
4. MOMMA!!!! This one is most exciting!! I get to see my mom day after tomorrow.... Well, I guess it's tomorrow now... Christmas in Tennessee... That'll be a new experience. I'm excited.

I guess that's the basic rundown of life at the present moment... devoid of many details, of course.
God is doing something deeper below the surface... It doesn't have a name yet and I'm alright with that. I'm going to World Mandate too. If that doesn't knock my sicks off I don't know what will.
Anyway, I'm rambling now... It's late.... I stayed up reading.
Time to get snuggly!!

Finals

2008-12-03T19:25:00.000-08:00

One week, and counting, before the chaos ends.
I'm glad it only happens twice a year.

Here's to sanity!! Maybe after college I'll learn to dance like these folks...

M.I.A.

2008-12-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

I just lost the paper I've been working on for the past two and half hours. Luckily I printed it out, but it's MIA on the computer.
Oh, the joys of the week before finals.

At least I have "a friend in Jesus" and an entertaining musical rendition to remind me.

SO FUNNY!!!

2008-11-29T17:33:00.000-08:00

Creation Restored

2008-11-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

I was wondering today what the restoration of creation will be like. This is where pondering led me:

On the day that creation is restored, the grass, the birds, the rivers and oceans, the rocks and the mountains and every tiny bug, every animal from big to small, will shout.
All will cry out "Jesus is Lord!"
And every heart, of every human made in God's glorious image will shout along with all of creation in the most perfect and beautiful harmony any ear has ever heard.
"Jesus is Lord!!"
Only then , when all attention is on The King of Kings, and all hearts declare that "Jesus is the only true Lord" will creation be made right.
We will see her in her fullness of beauty. Shimmering under the deep deep love of the husband who affectionately made her, and all will be made right in the world.

Life and The Words of Mother Teresa

2008-11-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Well the elections are over and my anger over petty political trash talking has subsided... Just wait another four years... I'll be just as fired up, I'm sure.
The semester is coming to a close (quickly, might I add!) and the final push of papers and projects is about to hit. Thank God for Thanksgiving vacation.
In other news, I'm going to see my mom for Christmas! 2 weeks in Tennessee!! WOO!! Maybe I'll go down to Nashville and get discovered!

And now for something more serious: I'm reading Mother Teresa.
I'm on Page 39 and I can barely read through 5 pages without wanting to cry. She was truly amazing. The most amazing thing is, though, that everything was done so simply. Her entire ministry, her life, the impact she made, all of it came from a single personal vow to never withhold anything from God. She made this vow, under pain of mortal sin, to never let a moment pass when she didn't give God everything.

There's been a recurring theme over the past couple weeks, of being faithful in the small things, and reading Mother Teresa's personal writings is only solidifying that. She says,

"To the good God nothing is little because He is so great and we so small - that is why He stoops down and takes the trouble to make those little things for us - to give us a chance to prove our love for Him. Because He makes them, they are very great... Don't look for big things, just do small things with great love... The smaller the thing, the greater must be our love."

I could sit with that little paragraph for a while. I don't think I'll be finishing this book any time soon.

Re-Freaking-diculous!!!

2008-11-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This is a rant... Nothing more...

So, I realized a few days ago that the election is coming up and I had done NOTHING to prepare myself to make an educated vote on anything... Not a smart move.
So I decided to take some time out of my weekend and brush up on the issues and learn a little bit more about the presidential candidates. It's nice to know what I'll be voting on when Tuesday rolls around, but I'm SO FRUSTRATED!!! Today's time, checking out the candidates had affirmed one thing in me.
I HATE POLITICS!!!

All I read is, "vote for me because I'll do this and so-and-so will only do that," or "I'm a better candidate because I care about your needs and so-and-so says he does, but he really doesn't."

The one that takes the cake: One argument claimed that the the person it represented was a better candidate because the opposing candidate voted with his party 97% of the time..." I might be completely ignorant, but this seems like the most ridiculous argument ever...

Why can't we stop trash-talking each other and just get along!!? I don't think Jesus would care which party you are affiliated with... Presidential election year is no excuse to be a jerk...

I'm totally an advocate for voting. go vote, but BE NICE ABOUT IT!!

Why My Day Was Wonderful : An Ode to Little Joys

2008-10-15T01:01:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling icky. But it was a wonderful day, and here are 10 reasons why:

1. I got to hear two great sermons preached by two awesome men of God. Robin and Dave shared with our class and it reminded me of God's deep deep love for his kids. He's a good Papa who keeps his promises. I cried.
2. I got to eat breakfast! Not everyone does...
3. We're reading The Forgotten Ways in Spiritual Formation in the church. I love the church and I love reading about what people think is happening in the church today.
4. Today was tuesday class lunch with Spiritual Formation and Dr. Griffin. I love Tuesday class lunch!!
5. Natalie is getting a letter in the mail tomorrow
6. on my way back to my room I saw a cute grey squirrel with a super bushy tail. He ran 10 feet to the nearest tree, bolted up it and then flopped down on a wide branch and took a nap. It was so funny!!
7. Before I started work, Natalie, Krystal and I shared a cheese quesedilla and an ice cream sandwich! Then, Kim came to visit.
8. Someone gave me a Scottish 50 pence for my foreign coin box!!!! It's not round!! It's SO COOL!!!
9. I get to go on the women's retreat and the former un-excitement had been replaced with super excitement!!
10. While I was walking home, an airplane that was flying was leaving a white trail and it flew right under the moon. From where I was it looked like it had flown through the moon. I was so amused!! It looked cool.

Now I get to enjoy some rest and doit all over again tomorrow!! I can't wait to see what silly little things are in store!! In store is, work, class, chapel and dinner with the one and only, Megan Ovens!! I can't wait!!!

New

2008-10-08T00:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a month.
A very full month.
I finally unpacked and cleaned my room a week and a half ago, and slowly life is leveling out to something more manageable and surprisingly, enjoyable.
So enjoyable, in fact, that I feel like I'm in uncharted waters and that just around the corner lies a revelation of some deep healing or refining work that God wants to do.
As much as I love this place I'm slightly uncomfortable.
I've grown used to hard times of pressing through. I've grown familiar with having my eyes opened, over and over again, to the wretchedness that lies in the depths of my heart.
I've seen my brokenness and experienced the healing touch of a father who desires to forever set me free...
He has set me free from so much.
And now things are enjoyable. Exhilarating even!!
and I feel like I have to learn all over again how to live.
For the first time God is saying things to me like "Whatever you want to do" and "Either way, I know you'll choose well"
We laugh.
I choose,
And he is pleased.
Freedom seemed to cost me so much, but I look back and see that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Passenger

2008-09-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

I just don't get it. I don't understand how a God who has the entire universe under his thumb could let me (or you) participate in what he's doing. None of the analogies we have are good enough to describe what it's like.
We've been open for 2 weeks today and already he is moving in unexpected ways. "His grace is sufficient" is taking on new meaning as I find myself in a position that I am completely unqualified for and really not that good at.
I was praying this morning on my way home from a 6am meeting and I was asking God if this is really what he wanted me to be doing. I felt so encouraged. He said that I could stop if I really wanted to but that he'd prepared me for this time. I also felt like he said it was going to succeed. How could you not follow God and give him everything with such encouragement as that!!
Making this place succeed is not anything I can do. It's all going to have to be Him.
On another note: It is absolutely breathtaking in here, and there is such a peace. It's almost tangible. I stole the pic from a friend's blog (thanks, by the way!!)
He really knows what he's doing and despite difficulty, I think it'll all work out in the end.
Classes started this week too. I'm so blessed to be going to school. This year is going to be a wild ride... I'm so glad I'm just a passenger.

He Beckons

2008-08-13T01:12:00.000-07:00

In the midst of moving I've lost my bible. It sure is a hell of a time to lose something so redolent with life and encouragement. Life has been pretty calm since January... Up until 3 weeks ago, that is. I can't wait for everyone to come back to school and see it. Hopefully we'll be ready to open shop as scheduled (August 18th if you were wondering)
I can't quite figure out what God's going to do in this next season. Right now I just want to cry. It's kinda comical, actually. I Have been surprisingly emotionless the past three weeks, but tonight I began to get a little weepy. I came home and I felt absolutely spent. It's a little overwhelming being partially responsible for opening a business, let alone opening it in a month.. that's right... one month.
If nothing else, there are a few things I am beginning to see, both in God and in myself. I am constantly being reminded of how He is the one who made all of this happen. It's a complete miracle that we were even asked to take over the coffee shop in the first place! God is reminding me of things that he spoke to me and things that I prayed for years ago. I would venture to say that he is beginning to bring some of those things to fruition. AMEN!!
He's also showing me some of my junk (as usual) I'm a little overwhelmed and I haven't been the nicest person this week. I think in celebration of my crappy attitude I was given a slice of humble pie... I also have this little habit of muscling through difficulties without even thinking about asking God for strength. DUMB!! Don't do it... It's stupid and not nearly as productive. But he's a good Papa and he's always waiting for me to grab hold of his hand again, no matter how undeserving I am.
I can see how everything in my life, especially events over the past 5 years, has led up to this season. He is so gracious to give us the desires of our hearts if we first choose to give ourselves completely to Him. I am completely humbled by the amazing saviour we serve and even more humbled by my incompetence. Yet, He adores me.
If you're in the area, come see the shop. If you live in Redding, I'm sure we can find college students for you to feed. If you really want to win them over, tell them to bring their laundry too.
Really what I think it comes down to is this: "But God demonstrates his love for us by the fact that the Messiah died for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:8) What choice does that leave us?

Ramblings...

2008-08-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

It's coming along beautifully. The walls are painted and we've figured out a way to give them an artistic look while still being able to display art. It's going to be beautiful and I'm so excited... but today I was tired.
I looked at the list of things that have to be done yesterday and suddenly my chest got tight. I was slightly short of breath and had a passing thought that sounded something like "what in world did I get myself into?" I'm sure it won't be the last time I think that. I had to step back from it all so I picked up my guitar and played a song...
...Then a book on my desk caught my eye. Tozer on the Holy Spirit. It's a one year devotional... a really great read. I hadn't picked it up since May and felt like I needed to see what today's tid-bit was. I flipped the pages open to August 4th and the title was "Energy From Indwelling Power" The caption in the upper left was Romans 8:11. It reads: "He that raised Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his spirit that dwelleth in you."
As Tozer wrote: "To live in the Spirit is to receive the...life of the Holy spirit in our physical being and to find in Him the source of constant stimulus and strength for... our mind and all the functions of our body."

I wonder: what would my life look like if I really let his joy be my strength. What does that even look like? Maybe I get it and don't realize it... Then again... Probably not. I remember in a women's bible study we did a few years ago we talked about finding sabbath rest in Jesus Christ. I wonder if God is bringing me into a season of finding sabbath rest in him, everyday... That would be wonderful.
Mostly it's just speculation at this point... I'm sure it's all connected to something else though. Something bigger than you and I can see or imagine this side of heaven. What an honor it is to be allowed to opportunity to participate. We aren't just fans... We're on the team!! (thanks for the great analogy P.M.)

Free Indeed : A Year in Retrospect

2008-07-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

It's been about a year since I started blogging regularly. Not that this blog has become anything profound that hundreds and thousands of people read... It's not creating a movement... In fact, it might not really make an impact at all. I'm ok with that though. That's not what it was intended for anyway
I was reading a post from last July. God really has done a lot in me. Sometimes I barely recognize myself... yet at the same time, I am more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been. He is so gracious to free us from strongholds and oppressions, if we'll just relinquish control and let him fix us. There's a part in The Shack where the main character, Mack, is talking to God and God says something like "it's hard to save someone who won't let you save them." It's really a wonderful story. I can't believe that I spent so much of my life trying to figure it out on my own. I still have a hard time being completely dependent on God... But I want to depend on him, and that's a years worth of God working in me that won't go wasted. He's so caring.
This time last year I was a broken, scared little girl... like a hurt dog that cowers in a corner, ready to bite the first hand that comes close enough... Even a helpful one. I had barricaded my heart in this little numb shell and God, in his mercy and love for me, decided to chip away my calloused exterior. It was severely painful at first. I felt so naked. It was as if everyone could see who I really was for the first time, and I knew it wasn't pretty. He really has done quite a work and I know it's not over. I get to spend the rest of my life hand in hand with a King who loves me more that there are words for. Who wouldn't want to do that!!
It's been such a full year! I can't imagine that life would get any more fulfilling!! The more God and I talk about this though, I get the impression that this is only the beginning. The next three years is Yaks and school and then from there, who knows. I don't have any idea what it'll look like, but I do know that it will be exciting! God has given me a wide open door to love my school. So few people have opportunities like this! I truly am blessed.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough room inside of me to contain the excitement and emotion of it all. I have no idea what God will do, or what it will look like. I guess I never really know how wonderful it will be until I look backwards. I do know one thing though: I am finally beginning to understand freedom.

A Hill To Die On

2008-07-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

...And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another just as he has commanded us. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. 1 John 3:23

Oh Great God, that your love would live in me. Not just in spoken words but in sincere action.
For what injustice can look true love square in the face and not eventually be compelled to change?
I will never speak with eloquent words, or powerful charisma, but if you'll help me to love I'll gladly spend my life learning how.

Run of the Mill

2008-07-18T00:32:00.001-07:00

Well, it looks as if it is official!! We break ground on Yaks #3 Monday, and I can finally breathe... for a little while at least.
There's been something about the mounting anticipation that has gotten to me. I've worked myself up (unnecessarily, might I add) and we are finally here. Although, I am not completely sure where here is... Somewhere between uncertainty and completion??
Right now it looks like we'll be open sometime mid August. That means we have 1 month to gut the place and make it look nice. I'm so excited to have some artistic input. I've missed doing stuff like that. As far as details go, you'll just have to come and see us when we open... and don't worry, you'll know.
On a different note, I got to spend some time in Santa Cruz with the awesome folks at Antioch Church. That's the church plant that The Vineyard sent out in Jan 2007. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We hung out downtown on Friday after we arrived and went to the Saturn Cafe. It's a vegetarian diner!! Think 50's style diner gone veggie. SO GOOD!! After that we ran around to what seemed like every tattoo shop in the Santa Cruz area. That in itself was an experience. Saturday we hung out at the park market selling Sean's secret (amazing and butt-kickin') Salsa and home roasted coffee. It was such a neat opportunity to hang out with S.C. locals. Most of them are so truly lost. It's hearbreaking. I also met some folks that have a church in the S.C. area called New Earth Tribe. They are a group of Jesus lovers who minister to people in a new age context. They were awesome!! It seems like the Holy Spirit is doing wonderful things through them. It's always exciting to see new approaches to ministry and this is one I'd never seen before. Saturday was spent in downtown and Sunday was church and Alana's birthday BBQ. Sean let me lead worship on Sunday. It was such an honor that he would let me step into that role in his church. To top it all off, I was totally blessed by what Sean had to say. He echoed and affirmed things that had been stirring in my heart... the long and the short: God's heart beats for people. The uncreated creator desires to be near to His creation.
Monday we went horseback riding and then went to the boardwalk and Tuesday we went home!!
There were some things about Santa Cruz that were hard. There is an evident spiritual oppression there. It's hard to be there for a weekend... I can't imagine being called there. But God spoke to me and reminded me of some good things that I needed to hear.
1. I'm really not capable in my own strength to accomplish much of anything. That's why He lets me help out with the stuff He's doing. I'm notorious for grabbing my independence and running with it. I need to work on that some more or I'm gonna have a mondo humble pie flying straight for my face.
2. God LOVES people. All People!! Rich, poor, destitute, smelly, socially inept, mentally impaired, chemically imbalanced, seemingly pristine, mean, cocky, attention hungry... You name it... He LOVES them... A LOT
3. I'm not used to being dependent. I'm not good at relying on people. I would rather do something on my own than ask or inconvenience someone. I like being independent and capable and unless I learn to eat my independence, I'm gonna go down. That wouldn't be pretty, either
4. 3 years is enough to focus on. I don't have to have my whole life figured out just yet.

I'm sure there will be plenty more thoughts to come in the next few weeks... that is, assuming there's a few minutes to spare here and there. I think 4 is enough for now, anyway.

The Fears Of My Doubting Heart

2008-07-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

It's late. Actually it's almost bedtime so hopefully I can make this short. I've had a little vortex of thoughts swirling around in my head this week.
We're still waiting on the coffee shop to go through. South street is on the verge of being open and then It's going to Simpson's Yaks consuming my life. We've been on hold for a couple weeks and as time gets shorter, I have realized that I'm growing more and more anxious.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but that's the only way I can think of to describe the tight feeling I get in my chest every time I let my mind go into detail mode. It's as if I can feel my blood pressure rising within me. The tight chest and rising blood pressure has also been accompanied by a lot of thinking... and a tinge of fear.
Maybe I'm realizing that this is going to be more difficult than I have had it idealized in my head, or maybe I realized how absolutely insane it is to think that I'm hard-core enough to go to school full time and manage a coffee shop... can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest straight jacket and padded room??
I didn't really think about it until last week. Something happened at my small group and it hit me: "people see me as a leader." It was the kind of situation that made me want to look behind me to see who they were really talking about when they were looking in my direction. As that realization began to settle in my grey matter I began to remember some of the things that God spoke to me before I started school. He shared with me that he would eventually bring me into a season where my passion for Him would be offensive, even to those who followed him, and that there would be people who would really not like me. He also has been reminding me that I cannot contextualize the truth to make it easy to swallow. I am called to speak the truth boldly.
I wonder if this is the beginning of that season.
I'm a little scared. Not so much that there will be people who are offended by me, but afraid of how I will respond. I'm so afraid that when it comes down to it, I'll speak only what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
The opportunity to be Jesus to this campus is fulfillment of God's promises and it is bigger than anything I can see. It's a piece of bringing the eternal kingdom to earth and it's evidence of God's faithfulness and love for His children... and I get to be part of it.
It's so humbling to think that the Lord and King of all creation would take the time to let me partner with him. In myself there's nothing worthy of His kingdom. Nothing I could put my hands to would be successful without the power of the living, breathing uncreated God. His plans are perfect. His plans rise above my attempts, my desires and even my fears.
That's straight truth, right there.
If you think about it, pray that God would reveal himself to the student body here. Pray that His glory would be revealed and that his presence would manifest on this campus. Pray that Yaks would give The Holy Spirit an opportunity to penetrate hardened hearts and mend broken ones. Pray that we would be used to reveal His glory and adoration and that Jesus' life would be evermore lived in us incarnationally.
As all of this moves forward I am left with a few words that press on my heart. They compel me to ignore fear and move forward with Jesus as my guide:
"This gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come" Matthew 24:14
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I've commanded you. And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age."
Matthew 28:17-20
Let it be so...

Gideon Needs a Miracle

2008-06-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

Please Pray for my friends.
It is their only resource that cannot be exhausted.
You can read their blog at www.thestairsfamily.com

When Spring Is Over, Summer Begins

2008-05-29T21:58:00.001-07:00

It feels like it's been a while... There were the six things, but that was more fun than anything.
I guess you could say that there's a lot going on... May seems like it flew by!! So, let's see... Finals went well. I finished with the best GPA I've gotten since the beginning of Jr. High. It's so different wanting to be back in school instead of feeling obligated. School got out and the office thing started. It's really not that bad. Some days I think I'm going to go stir crazy, but 5:00 always comes eventually. I really like all of my co-workers. Most of them are women who are 10+ years older than me, and they are all so nice. I also cut off a good 10 inches of my hair. This is pretty much what the technical parts of my life has looked like for the majority of the past month... That is, until about a week ago.
If you look back and read some old posts you might pick up on a little of what God has been doing in me over the past year. A lot of that has involved going back to school. When I sensed God releasing me to go back to school, I sensed that it would be more than sitting in a classroom for four years, only to earn a piece of paper. I felt that there were things he wanted to use me for. I'll spare the details here, but it seemed clear to me that there was going to more to it than education. God provided and I went. Not only did I go, but I attempted to get involved with different things. I didn't know what other direction to go! I believed that I was called for a purpose! Things never panned out, and I spent the majority of the semester asking God why he had specifically called me to school if it was going to be fruitless. I knew that building relationships with people was important but I wouldn't be at school forever and that left me with an intense urgency. Time was short.
If only I had known what God was doing.
Now, here I am, on summer break and preparing to leave my office job to be a part of an incredible opportunity. In just a few short weeks, Yaks is going to be taking over the coffee shop at Simpson... Could I have planned it any better? No.
I'm so excited. I'm a little overwhelmed with the details of what the summer will look like (painting, flooring, building? demo? and training) and a little overwhelmed with the fact that running a coffee shop and going to school full time will be a very delicate balance.
But God is so good, and even now he is drawing me closer to him. He is beginning to hedge me in with his plans and purposes. Not just for the immediate future, but also for the long term. He's reminding me that I am completely useless apart from his strength and power. He is reminding me that in the midst of difficulty, his grace is sufficient. He is breaking me heart for my peers. He is breaking my heart for the church. He is reminding me that he doesn't condemn anyone because they deserve it. If that were the case I'd have a VIP ticket to Hell, and I'd get to ride the express train. If I'm to have my papa's heart for his kids, then I would be all but destroyed over the ones who don't know him. I still don't get that. My heart is not enough like His yet. I pray that He would do whatever it takes.
One last thing, before I crawl into my jammies and call it a night:
Caleb rode back to my place with me after group. His motorcycle is big and fast, and I have a little 50cc scooter that tops out at 40 (that is, if I'm riding downhill and there's a good tail wind) We were riding up a long straightaway and Caleb never rode more than a couple feet in front of me. He had the ability to ride off and leave me (and 35mph is slow) but he didn't. God reminded me that he could leave me at any time. He has the ability to make the world right in the blink of an eye, yet he lets me be a part of his plan. I get to partner with the creator of the universe, and it's not because I'm any good. He lets me join in because He loves me, and He wants me to share in His life.
I have nothing to offer from myself, but when He's right next to me, he makes up for all that I lack.

Six "Little Knowns"

2008-05-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Ok... So Caleb "tagged" me. That means I'm supposed to share six things about myself that may not be common knowledge. After much deliberation I've come up with six things that you may not already know.

1. I can fix stuff. That might sound really weird, but I know how to use some tools and I can usually figure things out enough to fix them. Not big things... Just small household stuff, like vacuums, toilets and office stuff. I can hang shelves, and I've built stuff. My mom and I used to fix everything ourselves (unless it was beyond repair) and we used to move everything and assemble everything on our own. I know how to change the oil in my scooter and I built a huge picture frame once... The funny thing about all of that is that I love to play the damsel in distress. Not because someone will come and rescue me, but because if someone else does it I don't have to. (besides, don't guys like to be "needed"?)

2. I'm sensitive. Although I am very confident in who I am and how God has made me, I get my feelings hurt very easily. Now, let me clarify a bit. I don't get offended often, but I get my feelings hurt easily. I want people to like me, and I don't ever want to offend anyone with my words or actions, but when I do offend people, or when someone doesn't like me I take it very personally. Usually, if you hurt my feelings you'll never know. I'll talk it out with God, and sometimes cry about it, but then I get over it. One other thing that falls under the whole sensitive subject is that I love Hallmark cards, but I can't go to Hallmark because I'll read cards for a long time, and I hate crying in public (i.e Hallmark cards make me cry)

3. I give off the image a ditsy bubblegum girl, but I am not at all. Some of the misconception comes with my personality, but there is an element of it that is intentional. People generally don't like deep, challenging, or thought provoking conversation so until I know how deep I can go with someone, I'm happy to play the bubblegum girl. The thing is though, that I'll wade in knee deep waters with anyone, but my hope is that eventually we will swim in immeasurable depths. It's sad to discover how few people are actually willing.

4. I took a DISC test and my results conflicted. The two personality types that I represented the most were polar opposite personality types... Not only were they polar opposites but the scores for the other two personality types, that each could have been complementary to one of my personality types, were really low. My Prof called me conflicted... But the test was dead on. (but rest assured, I don't have MPD!!)

5. I hate health insurance. I know that some people really need it, and I'm totally cool with that, but I'm pretty dang healthy and I rarely get sick. You're probably thinking "uhh... don't get health insurance, smart one!" But that's the thing... My University requires that I have health insurance. SO DUMB!! (and to top it all off, it doesn't have a vision plan... and that's the only doctor I visit every year without fail...) I know this sounds more like I pet peeve than anything (and, well it is a pet peeve) but the reason insurance irritates me so much is that America has cultivated a false sense of security with insurance, Social Security, 401Ks and all of those kinds of things... But how many people, despite having all of those benefits, lose everything in the blink of an eye??!!! Jesus is the only thing anyone will every truly be secure in!! If you need to go to the doctor a lot and insurance helps you out, then get insurance, but I have no use for it and I still have to pay through the nose to have it... So dumb...

6. The last little known fact is a fun one! When I graduated high school I went to school to study music with the intention of making it to Broadway. I have decent enough voice to at least be in chorus lines and I love theatre. I did plays in high school, and I thought that was what I would spend the rest of my life doing (until God took over and gave me a different direction). I still have little fantasies of performing on stage, and when I see a new musical, or hear a new soundtrack, I get stuck in performance land... If anyone wants to know the way to my heart, tell me how great I am in a Hallmark card that will make me cry, and then take me to a musical... Yes, it is that easy (assuming that Jesus has apprehended your life and you've surrendered it... well and some other details... ok, not as easy as I thought...)
Sometimes I ask God if he'll ever let me perform again. Maybe someday.

Anyway, that's it. six little things about me that you may, or may not, have known... I think I'm going to pick Jamie next.

Kerri

2008-05-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

She really is amazing. If you don't believe it, read about it!!

Becoming...

2008-05-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

Psalm 139:13-18
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb, Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and how well I know it, You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them: they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!

So, I've been wrestling with the idea that Christ's followers are seen as not guilty. I believe that despite our sin, God knows who he created us to be and that he sees us without sin when we surrender to Jesus. But, I know that I'm not there yet. I have yet to actually achieve righteousness and I am constantly botching things up.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

And then I mess up again. The critical judgments that I make about people are brought to my attention (by God, no less). I have to fall on my face and repent of my wickedness and ask to be changed, and then I have to walk it out, day by day, recognizing judgmental thoughts and retraining myself. I feel anything but perfect.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Then God shows me that not only am I critical of others, I'm also afraid of being judged. Yes, the roots always seem to run so much deeper. I am secure in who I am, but I still want people to like me, and I want to fit in. Then I doubt, and question myself. Maybe I'm not as secure as I thought... Would I ever leave Him?

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Reassurance settles in my bones and I breathe in deep breaths of relief. In an instant clarity comes and I know, again, that I am utterly adored. It doesn't matter who I am or what mistakes I make. My lover is enraptured by my beauty and I know that I am perfect in His eyes! The weight of it overwhelms me and still I know that I have not achieved this perfection.

I'm caught somewhere between the mortal world and the eternal world. I am, yet I still must become.

Lemons

2008-05-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

I think my hands are like my soul, in that I seldom realize how many cracks and abrasions I have on my hands until I squeeze lemons.
Father, will you take this season and squeeze a "lemon" over my soul?

My Fate is Sealed

2008-04-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

I finished my last final today.
The grade books are set in stone.
I'm officially on summer break!
Anyone wanna go kayaking?

Just a Little Laugh!

2008-04-22T00:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently It's an old LP cover. I totally got a kick out of it!!

Something To Celebrate!!!

2008-04-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, he gave his disciples one last charge. It's told, in Matthew 28:18-20 that Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

I checked my e-mail tonight and Linda had sent me pictures from Santa Cruz. Our church sent out Sean (Linda's his wife) and his team a little over a year ago to start a church there. I'm so proud of them!!
I was looking at the pictures and nearly started to cry. Not just because baptisms are amazing and exciting, but because I've heard the stories leading up to this event. I've heard the struggles and met a couple of the people. I even got to help baptize one of the girls doing the baptizing!! It's a testament to the fruit that will be produced when you surrender your life to God. What a beautiful thing!!

Sean, Man of God, I'm proud to call you my friend. I'm proud of your church and everyone in it. I pray blessings on you, and for a continued hunger for God in the hearts of your people. I know that you would never want to take credit for the Lord's work, and I admire that humility, but in words that you once told me, you do more than you think. I love you and I'm so excited to see what the next year brings!! Keep it up. I'm behind you all 100%

"This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come." Matthew 24:14

2:00 am

2008-04-17T02:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, the title is true. It's 2:00 in the morning on Thursday, April 17th and I am wide awake. It seems that this is becoming the trend. I know what you're probably thinking: "Of course Jessica's going to be awake at 2:00am. All college students are awake at 2:00am!" Well, let me start by saying that this is not normal sleep behavior for me, nor is it pleasant. I figure though, the less I sleep the more I could read, or pray... or invent things!!
I haven't read anything but text books and the bible, and I haven't prayed a ton. I haven't invented anything, but I have been thinking.
About what, you ask? Oh, well lots of things:
Identity, intimacy, discipleship, Worship, beneficial vs. Permissible, ministry, solitude, nature.
for a while there I was on the verge of a panic attack, but I'm feeling much better now. Here's some of what I came up with:
Identity: I know my identity. That is a work that Christ has already done in me and it is foolish to doubt something that is so founded. In doubting what I believe about who God had made me, I nullify the healing works that Christ has already accomplished. That doesn't mean that he will not reveal more of myself to me, but that who He has told me I am is truly who I am. Beautiful, creative, unique, powerful, strong, gentle, tender, loving, gifted and anointed (to name a few!)
Intimacy: The intimacy that we have with others in the world if vastly different from the intimacy that we have with others who contain within them the Holy Spirit. Deep calls to deep and the Spirit cultivates intimacy. With this I (we?) must be cautious. Intimacy binds hearts together and that bond it deeper where the spirit is involved. Intimacy is sacred.
Discipleship: Sean says it pretty good (click here!!) Discipleship is KEY in the growth and health of body of Christ
Worship: I'm leading worship for church on Sunday and I'm scared, but it's not about me. Holy spirit, I ask you to come and make yourself known. I ask that you would take center stage and that my heart would be purged of self-affirmation in this area. Help me to be a humble leader.
Beneficial Vs. Permissible: I'm allowed to do anything I want, but not everything will benefit my walk and my life with Jesus. Why am I not moving in a direction that seeks to uncover the permissible and replace it with the beneficial?? Note-to-self: This is something to really work on
Ministry: It's who you are, not what you do
Solitude: I need to fight for this. Solitude has easily been overrun by social time and homework. Yet another thing to work on
Nature: God is the ultimate creator and the beauty of his creation is astounding. Little fishes, tiny hummingbirds, flowers, trees and mountains... They all point back to Him. Even the simplest blade of grass is intricately woven to exact specifications... Evolution?? I beg to differ...

Anyway, that's some of what's been on my mind these past few weeks. Now maybe I'll be able to sleep...

She's Coming...

2008-04-11T13:36:00.000-07:00

April 11th, 2008 and it's 81 degrees.
As I walk from a comfortably air conditioned classroom to my dorm I can feel it.
The dry air surrounds me and the smell of drying wild grasses is in the air. The sun soaks into the back of my black shirt.
Suddenly a coolish breeze unexpectedly leaps past me, providing a reprieve from the sun's heat, and I smile.
I'm taken back to waterfall hikes and kayaking on the lake. The weightlessness of jumping into the river from twenty feet above. The first headlong dive into a shaded pool...
Summer, being the seductress that she is, knows just how to entice me, and indeed the game has begun.

A Year Is Really Short

2008-04-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

I was reading over some old blogs tonight. I had a thought at one point that it would be great to go back and read over the past year's writings. I know this year has been huge, but there's something about reading old stuff...
When I started blogging, a lot of it was because I hated sharing myself. I felt like God was prompting me to put myself out there for anyone to see, and it was so incredibly hard. It's been a deep internal struggle getting to the point where I can pour out my heart (within reason) and not care who reads it. I may have offended some of you, and for that I sincerely apologize. Some of you might be encouraged, and for that I praise God. Some of you might think I'm nuts.... and I don't really know what to say to that...
Anyway, I was reading one of the first blogs I wrote. I remember the season I was in with better clarity after looking back and seeing where God has taken me from. God was teaching me to let go. Let go of my insecurity, my doubt, my perfectionism. I think the past year can be summed up in this:

…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28

I read this and started to cry. These words still resonate with me, but it looks different now. I'm still trying to die to the world, and I still want God's glory to be put on display in me, but at the same time I am worlds away from the person I was less than a year ago. I find it fascinating that I can come so far with this goal, and yet have so incredibly far to go.

"anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal... Father, put your glory on display."

I have no clue what it looks like for the next season, but I think things are brewing. The past couple months have been pretty mellow in comparison to the past few years, but I think it's only in preparation for what's to come.

Papa, I'm ready, and I want all you have for me. I'm so thankful for this restful time you've given me, but I'm ready for vacation to be over. Use me to bring your kingdom to the places that I occupy. Put your glory on display and teach me more of what it means to follow you.

The Deepest Death : Part II

2008-03-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'm on spring break right now. It's nice to get away from school and it's great to see my family. It's also given me the opportunity to think about a lot of things that I had just put on the back burners to make room for classes and homework. Since last Friday (the day we left on our 3.5 day drive from Ca. to Tn.) I've had a lot of time to think about the difficulty I've been having at school and the tension there is between living the typical christian life, and living a life that is under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. On the way here to Tennessee I listened to one of the sessions from World Mandate 2007. Heather Mercer brings down the house as she speaks about the contrast between the kingdom of this age and the Kingdom of God. If anyone wants it I will gladly pass it along. In the session, Heather Mercer talks about the temptation to straddle both kingdoms. In an attempt to preach the gospel, we often water it down to make it easer for non believers to swallow. As she puts it, "Jesus becomes this warm and fuzzy kinda guy who doesn't have an absolute standard for our lives."
I've been wrestling with this at school. After living for so long in an environment where I was daily challenged to press into God, I've moved to an environment where I feel totally alone in my pursuit of Jesus (which is ironic, considering that I go to a Christian school) I know that this could be ill informed judgement, but I feel that it would be easier than ever to live my life as if it were just that... as if it were mine. But that isn't the truth! My life is not my own, because the day I went under the water, I died. As I was lifted out, my death to the world, and to myself, was completed. I was resurrected as a daughter, friend, lover and follower of Jesus Christ. In that act of baptism I vowed to forever submit myself to Jesus' rule. Why, then, is it still possible for me to live an apathetic life of comfort?
I think it's because the nature of Jesus is that he holds us with open arms, meaning he won't force us to stay. He has given us our inheritance but how it is spent is left up to us. If I want to play it safe and live a half life with him then I can. I can have the comforts of this world and still take the parts of Jesus that I want. I could go out and squander the grace I've been given by living for myself and proclaiming that Jesus' blood has covered me. I'd be off the hook, right? (I doubt it...) OR I could enter into the life that has been made available to me. The life that requires me to "sell all I have and follow Jesus." The things of this world are so appealing to me and it is so easy to fall into a cycle of apathy! (I've been fighting a losing battle against it since January!) But Jesus came to give life to the fullest. No wonder all attempts at gaining worldly comfort are found wanting. I've submitted myself to Jesus' rule and have seen a glimpse of the Eternal Kingdom of God!! It's folly to think that a kingdom that will pass away will have anything that satisfies.
I'll let you in on a secret (or rather something I wish I could keep secret)
I'm not there yet. If there's anything I've seen over this spring break, it's that although I am dead to my former self, I still think I can function in the ways I used to. Old habits die hard, and despite the pit in my stomach, there are still times when comfort looks appealing, pride digs it's claws in my back, and fear driven perfectionism shackles itself to my feet. As the battle against apathy wages on, my daily decisions decide more than how my life will be lived. There are countless stories throughout history that tell of a single person being the difference between victory and defeat. If one man can be the weight of victory or defeat for the entire world, maybe, if I'm on his side, I can help to bring God's kingdom to the little corner of the universe that I occupy. After all, what's the use of living for a kingdom that is here today and gone tomorrow?
I get so hung up on doing it right that I miss the mark. It's not about following Jesus perfectly, it's about being submitted to his rule. It's not about success, it's about obedience. I get hung up on success, forgetting Paul's words:
"...to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2cor. 12:7-10

I guess I've got it backwards...
Lord, will you make me weaker
so that your strength will be evident in me?
-let it be so

ACK!!

2008-03-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

School is kicking my brain with a steel toed boot!!!
God, squash my pride before it suffocates me!!

The Deepest Death

2008-03-10T00:51:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a daily devotional that is a compilation of good stuff written by Tozer. I came across this tonight:

"It is not enough the we are willing and eager to work for God, but the work itself must be of God. ... This is one of the deepest deaths that Christians are often called to die. Indeed, our work is unacceptable to God and useless to ourselves and others until it has first been bathed in the blood of Calvary and touched with the sign of crucifixion. It must cease to be our work and thus become His, and His alone.
-A.W. Tozer

Lord, may my actions and works be only yours. I only want to do things that bear the mark of your sacrifice. I only want to live a life that is fully submitted to you.

What Is Part I: Faith

2008-03-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

Caleb has been asking some great thought provoking questions. Thanks Caleb, for letting me get in on the conversation. There's more to come, by the way. Stay tuned for parts two, three and four. With that said, Here are my thoughts on faith:
I think a good starting description, or definition, is in the book of Hebrews. It says, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Heb 11:1 NASB) How much more clear could it be!! But there's one problem. My little pea brain can't always process that concept, so I cry out "Lord, help me to know!! Help me to understand! I don't know if I can trust you!!" But if I would just read a little closer I'd see that that's sorta the point.
Romans 8:24 says "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?" Of course!! How could I surrender to God if I knew everything about Him? How could I surrender to God if he revealed all of His mysteries to me? How could I trust God if I knew all of His intentions? If God were to reveal all of His plans and purposes to me I'd know what He knows and I wouldn't need him!
And, I don't know... but, I hope that Christ really did conquer death, and although I've never physically seen Him, faith is my assurance that Christ really did conquer death. It is the foundation of my conviction that God really does exist.
So, I guess that's it for now... Good topic though. Definitely worth mulling over for a bit.

It really happens...

2008-02-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

I learned about something tonight that I thought only happened in movies. The school I'm going to has a team going to Cambodia this summer to work with an organization that brings people out of sex trades and trafficking. It's shocking. I think that everyone should at least be aware of it. I realized, after reading some of the information about human trafficking, that this is what the children at Wisdom Springs have been taken out of. It seemed so subtle when we were there, but this is far bigger than I ever realized. It's a rude awakening... If you want more info you can get it here.

Orthopraxy

2008-02-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

You've shown me what to believe... Show me how to live...

In Honor...

2008-02-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

Your life with Jesus was beautiful.
I'm sure your eternity with Him will be even better.
Give the Big Guy a high five for me!
We'll miss you, Bill.

The Slow Lane

2008-02-19T12:09:00.000-08:00

This has got to be among the top 10 ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. Riding along on my 50cc Yamaha Vino, with the motley crew we've got, is better than ice cream! (unless, of course, you are riding with the crew to get ice cream together... that's the best of both worlds) If you think your life is boring, get a scooter. You'll never get bored in the slow lane as long as there are people this great to tootle along with you.

Go here to check out more...

The Values Of Paper vs. Passion

2008-02-15T23:46:00.001-08:00

I had the best night. My good friend, Natalie, came and spent some time with me here at school. We went on a walk around the pond, we sat and watched the sun set, we looked at lichens and duck beds and red-winged blackbirds. Then we went to the worship part of a friday evening church service, and then we sat at Starbucks and talked. It was the best time!! We didn't talk about anything specific, but the conversation got me thinking about a lot of things, and it got me asking a lot of questions, but one in particular stands out.
Has higher education taken the place of discipleship in our society?
Think about it...
How did Jesus do discipleship? He had lots of disciples, but there were a core few. Jesus lived with those 12 men for about 3 years before he sent them out to do all that they would do to carry the gospel to the ends of the earth. How many Christians in America today live with people they are discipling, or being discipled by? How may Christians see the people they are discipling more than once a week? How about once a month? How many Christians are discipling nobody?

Now, think about this...

How many years did Jesus and his disciples go to college? What were their degrees in? What was their GPA?

Does it matter?

I think it does matter, and here's why. If you look at the majority of sending missions organizations, you'll see that they have stringent requirements on who can and can't be a missionary. Most places require at least a B.A. or a B.S. and increasingly more places require or at least request graduate work to be sent by them... How many of the disciples would be denied by a modern missions organization. Would Jesus himself even meet the requirements?

This is all very fresh, and not thoroughly thought through, so any feedback is welcome, but it seems to me that a higher education degree has become the qualifyer of a disciple of Christ. Shouldn't it be availability over ability, and shouldn't passion outweigh a piece of paper??
It seems to me that being in the trenches with Jesus and being in desperation for him would be far more qualifying. What ever happened to the value of character, integrity willingness and passion for Christ, and how do we get those back?

Good Words From Pastor Steve

2008-02-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

"God is more like a wild lover than a remote philanthropic benefactor..."
Read more

Hummingbirds

2008-02-12T22:11:00.000-08:00

It's getting warmer. This week it was almost 70 degrees!! That means that spring time things are starting to happen, and with that comes some tiny feathered friends. The hummingbird feeder hanging on our window is half gone!! Now, normally I would say that the "half empty" mentality is somewhat pessimistic, but in this case I think it is a very exciting thing! We have been frequented by little radiant red and green friends and it probably satisfies some little kid's princess fantasy inside of me, but I believe that I must feel something of what Snow White and Sleeping Beauty felt when they realized they could befriend little woodland creatures. Between the ridiculously loud frogs outside the window and the charming little hummingbirds that come to visit, I'd say I' m well on my way to living in a little cottage in the woods with three bickering fairies or seven very small men.

Ho Humm Day...

2008-02-10T15:56:00.001-08:00

I don't normally get grouchy, but today is just one of those days. I remember when I used to think that having Jesus meant that I'd never get grouchy again. I guess there's more to following Jesus than being happy all the time, (despite the catchy melody of the inside outside upside downside happy all the time song...) I can't say that I'm disappointed, but I sure hope the grouchies go away quick. In the mean time, I guess I should try to bite my tongue and smile much more often than normal. I'm really glad that Jesus still loves me... and that tomorrow I get to try again....

A King And A Kingdom

2008-02-04T20:35:00.001-08:00

Well, nearly a month has gone by since I started school and moved into the dorms. It's been such a different experience. I'm meeting everyone around me, and even having some deep, thought provoking conversations here and there. Although my classes haven't been academically challenging, the experience as a whole has been spiritually challenging. I want so badly to come along side of the spiritual leadership on campus, but in making my availability and willingness known, God had revealed more of my human nature and how it still looks so different from his nature. Even in some of my most well intended moments God showed me that there is still pride and ego. Whether I realize it or not, I still have ideas of what I think things should look like, which actually translates into having my own agenda. I'm still critical... and not just of myself.

Lord, would you change me!!??

Yet, as I'm reminded, ever so lovingly, that I haven't arrived, I hear my father whispering his heart for his people. In the book of John, in Chapter 21, after Jesus has risen, He challenges Peter:

15When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
16Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
17 The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep... Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

Even in everything that I've had the opportunity to learn, it all comes down to the simplicity of two things. Love God. Love People. It's so easy to forget that nothing else matters.

School is a blessing, and I'm learning, among other things, that everywhere you go is a spiritual classroom. The Holy Spirit is alive and moving in every breath and in each and every person who calls Jesus, Lord. And to think that all we need to do is take care of his sheep. I pray, Father, show me how.

True Foundational Studies

2008-01-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

It's been ten days since the big move and I think the culture shock is beginning to ware off. Granted, I only moved across town, but the difference in culture and surroundings is VERY different. I'm now in the full time undergraduate college world. It's so strange. Aside from all of the changes and challenges and various other speed bumps along the way, it has been a wonderful week and a half!! I'm meeting more people than I can remember (the internal rolodex can't keep up!!) and I'm getting the feel of campus life again. I'm remembering what academia is like, and I am also thankful that I have a surprisingly small number of formal papers to do this semester!! I think the thing I am most thankful for, however, is the time that I took off of school.
I cannot even describe the difference it has made. I've been reflecting on the past few years over the past week and a half. If given the opportunity to go back and have a re-do, there are things I would have done differently, things I would skip over quickly and things that I would have held onto a little longer... There are a lot of things that I wish I had done better, or differently, but I wonder if it would have been as meaningful had it looked clean and pretty.
The things I am most thankful for are the trial of living in community with other broken and imperfect people, learning to take risks, learning to be vulnerable, realizing that there are few people I truly trust, learning that mis-trust feels safer, but separates people from one another... All of these are foundational lessons that have led me to here and now, and I'm finding out how no classroom could ever as effectively teach these lessons as experience would. What an honor it is to have had those experiences!! Despite the difficulty of them. God sure seems to know what he's doing.
I know this journey hold so much more and I'm so excited to have God's providence in the past revealed to me in the presence. We serve a Good God! Amen?

...In Remembrance Of Me

2008-01-06T12:08:00.000-08:00

I never really understood communion. As a young girl, moving to many different places, and in and out of many different churches, I always thought it a strange ritual. I never could understand why we ate a stale cracker and and then washed it down with grape juice from a tiny cup. Now that I'm older I have found that I still don't understand it completely, but God has shared precious things with me about that sacred ritual that seems so odd.
Jesus came to set us free, right? He came to stand in our place on judgement day so that we would be found clean and free of sin, but what if there's more? What if that cleansing took place now, in this life here on earth.
A few weeks ago after a moving time of silence after communion, God began to speak to me heart. In our time of communion, God asked me to stop trying to keep myself safe. He asked me to let him be my protector. Then again, today, as we took communion, I heard the faint voice of my King whispering to me. It said, "You've always wanted something tangible of me. This is the tangible representation of my love for you. Do this in remembrance of me."

Our God is a tangible God. We can taste, see, smell and touch his goodness.

Learn To Swim

2007-12-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight was my last official girl's house meeting. For the past two and a half years I have lived in community with some other Jesus seeking women from my church. There have been up to nine of us sharing a house, working at the same job, doing the same ministries and attending the same church. For me, this season has come to a close. Tonight's meeting was extra special. We sat around our kitchen table and shared a meal and then proceeded to have our meeting. We have a format that we follow for the meetings, and every week it includes a slot of time for "feedback". It's a time where we, as a family, share with an elected person all of the wonderful things we see in them. Tonight was my turn.
As I enter into a new season of life, and as I move forward in where God is calling me, I am overwhelmed with the things he has done. As I told my roommates, this has been the hardest year of my life, yet it has also been the best. I'm sure that the years to come will grow increasingly harder, yet at the same time memorable. There is such a richness to be experienced in enduring trials and pressing into the Lord.
We've shared tears, and resentments, fears, heartaches. Our stone hearts have become pliable in our maker's hands and our insecurities have been eased, and in some cases completely dissolved by being put in situations that call for transparency and authenticity. I am no exception. God, in all of his providence, chose this past year to expel many of my own fears. He exposed my deepest wounds, even when it meant re-opening them, and poured out his healing balm of acceptance, love, patience, kindness, and truth, all within the context of an imperfect community. We serve a gracious and abundantly loving God.
Tomorrow is my last day of work, and in a week I will call a new building my home. Over the next year there will be new trials to overcome and if God is gracious to allow it, I will draw ever closer to him.
I look forward to all that awaits.

***

As my eyes remained fixed on my Lord
The waters that were once ankle-deep began to rise
I found myself waist deep and full of fear
But as the waters rose, He swam with me
And what of the water's depths?
They became unknown...

Looking Back

2007-12-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday mornings there is a core staff meeting at Yaks. We wake up at about 5:00am and then go and open the shop for the day, then at 6:00 we all meet in the board room and go over tech stuff and take time to pray for our customers, and the relationships we are building with people. This past Wednesday we were finished very early so we took some time and each person shared what they are most thankful for, and what they hope God does in them over the next year. I began to think of all of the things that God has done, and I couldn't hold back the tears in thinking of his faithfulness.
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.

All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....

Otherness

2007-12-11T00:45:00.000-08:00

That's what we're all about
We're not trying to look like, or be like anyone else
Just Jesus
And it makes us look like aliens. Forgieners in a distant land
We stick out, and humbly so. Why?
Because the way we love is so unusual
Our words bring tears of laughter, tears of solace
Our music and Dance are fueled by a different drummer
And a better one at that
And the fruit? It's a different song, a different value system
Not pushing the edge of sin and Hell
Not okay with "status quo"
A place where benificial and permissible are clearly understood
AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS THE BOUNDRY LINE!!
We would much rather lunge out, to the kingdoms cutting edge... which is Heaven's arms
Sitting on his lap is fine with me. His heartbeat rhythmically puts me at rest.
Not apathetic slumber that leads to poverty
But DEEP LOVE that thrusts us to Nineva
For Macedonians are still calling
Ethiopians are still asking for someone to help them to understand
And how do we know this?
Because we look into a different pair of eyes
Not just the window to his soul, but a magnifying glass of theirs
LOOK AGAIN
His tears aren't clear, they don't taste like salt
They're colorful banners of the nations
And they taste like the blood that was shed for them
A tear trickles down, and I see Sri Lanka
Another hangs in the corner of his eye and deep inside that tear I see a Sudanese lady worshipping over the family that just abandoned her
Here comes three more
CANADA, FRANCE, MEXICO
And as he wipes his eyes I see the colors of
MOROCCO, RUSSIA, SCOTLAND, and CHINA on the palms of his hands
And where do those tears go?
They're stored in a bottle.
Not just a bottle, but "the" bottle
The one that has held the cried of the saints of Germany, the one that has heard the deep secrets of Thailand's orphans, America's addicts, and Indonesia's widows
The groans from North Korea's underground church, and South Korea's Prayer mountain
All in the bottle
And they're waiting for you, Waiting for me, to open our hands so he can pour them out
And why would he trust us with such treasures
Because he calls us family, he trusts us
Because we've seen the otherness of God and we long for more
For if you, God, were the same as the rest you wouldn't be Holy
My unholiness CRAVES your Holiness. Your cleansing
YOU
And in the process we become "other" ourselves,
And the importance of that?
So many stories are being told. Vying for my affections, my passion my heart
But I refuse to be caught up in the midst of small stories that seem brilliant at the moment but soon become faded glory
I desire to be taken up into your story and your great plot for me and Mankind
So I LEAP into the chariot of fire and I ask for HUMILITY and COURAGE to leave it ALL behind
NO MATTER THE COST
Because Lord, you deserve it, and they need it. Because I love you, and they need you
And the Spirit and the Bride are still crying out
"COME LORD JESUS"

And you will...
You always do

www.worldmandate.com

Always

2007-12-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

I will love you, no matter what you choose.
I will love you, no matter who you become.
I will love you, no matter what you say about me.
I will love you always.

But it's sad to see you walk away...

Eight Dollar Hot Dog

2007-12-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

Something to think about...

The Rich Man

2007-12-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a book lately called "The Irresistible Revolution" By a guy named Shawn Claiborne. I won't go into the details of the book, but I'm about halfway through and would recommend reading it. In one of the chapters the author recounts the story of the rich young ruler and the interactions that he had with Jesus of Nazareth. It's something that I've been pondering for a couple weeks. Many of you probably know the story, so I'm sure you recall that during this dialogue the young ruler asks what he must do to be saved. (check it out in Matt. 19, Mark 10 and Luke 18) Jesus' reply goes something like "sell everything and give it to the poor and your treasures will be in heaven," then Jesus gives this wealthy young man an invitation: " After you have done that, come and follow me"
Now, for some this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. "Follow me." If I remember correctly there were some fishermen who received the same invitation and they straight up dropped their nets and never looked back... These fishermen had nothing, and I would venture to guess that they knew it. So what was the response of the rich young ruler who had it all, except eternal life?
Eugene Peterson puts it this way in his translation, The Message: "The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go." (Mark 10:22) The chapter continues on with a Jesus telling his disciples that it is very difficult for the rich to get to heaven. But there's one more thing that I find interesting. If you read the passage, you'll notice that Jesus didn't run after the rich young man. He didn't chase him down and say, "Well, I was just kidding about that sell everything bit. If you just sell half you'll be fine." and he also didn't say anything like, "Write out a check for 10% of your monthly income and I'll put in a good word with the Big Guy."

Jesus lets the Rich man walk away... And he does.

Hard words to swallow for those of us (yes, myself included) who would rather spend our time, money, energy, relationships (etc. etc.) how we want. The more I think about it, though, the more It makes sense. Jesus wants all of me. Jesus doesn't just want my Sundays. He doesn't just want a check. Jesus doesn't just want me to not do bad things...
JESUS WANTS ME. Me, in all of my sin, shame, imperfection, brokenness, and pride. He wants my every waking, sleeping and breathing moment. Jesus wants an admiring daughter, a faithful bride, and a devoted lover. He wants Me. He wants You. Everyone!! And in all of his longing to call us his own, he will still let us make the decision.

"Yes," said Jesus, "and you won't regret it... (Luke 18:29 The Message)

Thanks And Everlasting Love

2007-11-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

I got the opportunity this past week to go visit some friends in Santa Cruz for Thanksgiving. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my biological family. Instead I got to spend it with a different kind of family! Nearly a year ago some folks from our church moved to Santa Cruz to start another community of believers. It's amazing how their community has grown. The first day was spent at the park with the kids and at the house with everyone, and there was a little trip into town to get fixin's for Maple cake and sweet potato souffle. Thanksgiving was a blast, with over 20 people all together, from all over the world! It was like Thanksgiving with the nations!! Before dinner we all shared what we were thankful for and it was truly moving to hear thanks pouring from so many people's hearts, and to think of all I have to be thankful for. I found myself choking back tears. It was an amazing blessing to be there.
Friday the blessings continued. A church from San Mateo came up to the Ranch to have a leadership retreat, and they invited a guy by the name of Randy Knutson. He's the church planting overseer for the Vineyards in that area. It was so refreshing to be in the midst of so many people who are doing the stuff. The questions randy posed to us spurred me on to think about what the next season in my life will look like. Questions like: what do I believe Jesus taught? What do I believe that means to me? What do I believe Jesus wants me to do with the things that he taught me? What does praxis look like? I know, so now what do I do?
I don't necessarily feel the need to have it all figured out at once, but I do know that Jesus said to go.
Before the Friday night session was over Randy showed one of the last scenes of the movie Schindler's List. In the scene Schindler, a businessman in Nazi Germany who has bought 1,100 Jews to keep them from being killed in concentrations camps, comes out of his factory to leave. As he sees all of these Jewish men and women standing before him, he looks at his car and questions himself. "why did I keep this car? I could have saved ten more with this car!" as he breaks into tears he speculates of his wedding band " I could have saved two with this ring. At least one, I could have saved one. Why did I keep this ring?" Schindler's strength leaves him as he is overcome with grief in realizing that he could have done more. He nearly falls to his knees before his friends catch him, and walk him to his car to send him away.
What a beautifully moving display of the Father's heart for his children...
What a convicting display of what Christ desires my heart to he for his lost sheep.
Lord, Jesus, Give me a shepherd's heart for your family...

It's Inevitable...

2007-11-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

You will fail...

But there's hope...

becuase even Peter failed...

And he was still used as the foundation of the Church...

Holiness...

2007-10-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

It probably looks different than we think. Not so much a list of rules to follow, but an external expression of internal change. This post from our friends at the Buffalo, NY Vineyard explain a little better the things that were on my heart last night, after reading C.S. Lewis' words on goodness. Steve is much more intelligent and articulate than myself. Here's the quote again:

"Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good." -C.S. Lewis "The Great Divorce"

Click here to read more

Thoughts To Ponder... Courtesy of Mr. Lewis

2007-10-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good." -C.S. Lewis "The Great Divorce"

If this is true, then why am I so afraid to be the one who swims upstream? I think that you and I would both agree that we want to fit in. I think that the vast majority of people seek an existence that conforms to the culture and society around them, despite their desire, or lack thereof, to take on the belief systems of that culture and society. There are few people who desire nonconformity, and fewer still who actually seek it out. But as Henry David Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet despiration."
I live in despiration!! We all do. Despiration for what? Freedom from the strangling fetters of rules and values you don't actually agree with? Freedom from fear? Despiration for confidence in your God given gifts and abilities? Despiration for something more than the seemingly meaningless monotony that life had become?
Break free, Beloved... Jesus was never afraid to be an outcast. Break free or surely your spirit will die.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

A Story...

2007-10-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a girl who had a sword. She took her sword to the swordsmith to get it sharpened one day. The Smith gave her the price and she went on her merry way. Soon thereafter she began to experience excruciating pain on her left side. She thought to herself, "there is no way" and continued on, but the pain did not cease. In fact, the pain got worse, and not only was it now on her right side, but her whole body. She rushed back to the Swordsmith and as she threw open the door, breathing heavily with pain, she yelled for the to the Smith to stop. He stopped his work, and immediatly the pain ceased, confirming her susspicions. She told the smith that he needn't sharpen the blade any more and went on her way home, the blade hanging gently at her side. Some time later there was a battle that required the girl's skill and cunning, but she found that her blade was dull and weak. Although it survived the battle, it did not fair well. Yet again, there came another battle, and this time the girl's sword did not survive. She escaped, but only after nearly losing her life. She knew that despite the certain pain, she must take her sword to the Swordsmith. As she entered his shop, apparently ashamed of her recent battle loss, She caught his knowing eye, and instantly she knew his compassion and love for her. "Will it hurt badly?" she asked. In his kind manner, The Swordsmith replied "Not as badly as if there are no reapirs at all. But don't be afraid, I'll be with you for all of it. And then, even your losses in battle will be victories."

2007-10-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

I ran across this quote. read it a few times and let it sink in...
“A walloping great congregation is fine and fun, but what most communities really need is a couple of saints. The tragedy is that they may well be there in embryo, waiting to be discovered, waiting for sound training, waiting to be emancipated from the cult of the mediocre.” -Martin Thornton

Maybe it's you....

Seasons Change. He Is Still The Same

2007-10-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

It was a typical Wednesday night. We all came together and shared a meal, followed by songs of adoration for our King! It was wonderful. After a time of prayer, Kyle asked everyone to share how long they had attended the college group and what God had done in them during that time. It was beautiful. We had everyone, from founding group members, to first timers. We all shared. It was amazing the things that God has done! He has begun to raise up leaders. He has brought us closer to himself. He has released gifts of prayer and worship, and has driven us to learn how to disciple one another and live in community. Oh, the amazing things that God has done!! He is so good!!
It was bittersweet, and yet perfectly timed. What an amazing opportunity we have now, to go out and live out this Jesus thing, drawing people along the way, and all the time being sharpened. What a great lesson it has been, learning that at the end of the day, God is still God. What a humbling thing it has been to have heartaches and struggles on the table and see that through it we are loved. He is SO abundantly good!!
And now, Lord, give us the grace to follow you in this new season. Give us the humility to rely on you, and give us the strength to keep our focus on you, at any cost.

Remember...

2007-10-02T01:12:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a Roommate this evening. In our conversation I shared some of my past experiences and how those experiences have reassured me of Christ's providence over my life. As I was talking I was oversome with the strangest feeling. It was suddenly as if I was tlaking about an entirely different person, as though the experiences weren't mine after all, and were, in fact, memories from the life of someone very distant from myself.

Now, At first I was slightly disturbed. I felt as if I was condoning, and making light of, some of the experiences that I had before my life was apprihended by the Holy Spirit's call. After a bit of contemplation, I realized that that was not it at all. Rather, I truly am a new creation and the old has been replaced with something new.
It reminded me of something:
"...Be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live... (deut. 4:9)"
Then, as foolish as it seems, the scene from the movie "The Lion King" comes into view. I see Mufasa's face in the clouds telling Simba, "You have forgotten me. You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me... Remember... Remember..."

The ego wishes to hide those things that seem as though they may blemish us, but the heart cries out for us to remember where we have come from, and in our rememberance of continual provision, and protection, we have the strength to move on. In knowing how far we have come, we find strength to continue on the journey.

Resistance Is Futile!!!

2007-09-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

It's useless to be angry
It's pointless to try and run
It's counterproductive to blame
It's unfulfilling to remain impenetrable

The white flag has been waved
make me healed and whole

Easier Said...

2007-09-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Why is it so much easier to be hardened and bitter than it is to be humble and vulnerable?
There are so many things that I don't understand...
But maybe it's because I'm more familiar with not understanding...

...and understanding requires change...

Oh, ignorant one, when will you trade your anger for sorrow?
When will you allow your hardened heart to become fertile ground?
When will you give up this needless and futile battle?
When will fall before your king, and admit your foolishness?
Only then will it be possible to be truly reconciled to the one who knew your form before the dawn of time.

How long until you let your father embrace you...

Tilling the Fallow Ground

2007-09-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

The three of them sat there.
I couldn't see them clearly through all of the tears
The three of them sat there
and I cried
and they prayed...

It didn't hurt like I expected,
but the most unexpected of all?
I felt loved

I felt loved

For The Love of God Will You Please Mess Up??

2007-09-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've just been given a formal invitation to "screw it all up". This isn't a joke, or some sarcastic invitation made out of anger or frustration. It is an honest, sincere invitation... no... encouragement, to mess up.
A difficult task for someone whose fatal flaw is perfectionism and fear of failure... Literally fatal.

I Have To Believe...

2007-08-17T06:25:00.001-07:00

I have to believe, God, that you are who you claim to be. I have to believe that the book that you breathed into life through the guidence of the holy spirit, is just that. Your breathe of life. Father, I have to believe that you are bigger than anything that is in me, and that you truly desire for me to know your love. I have to believe that you want me to hear you call me daughter. I have to believe that you are right beside me, however painfully unaware I am. I have to believe that you are the same God now as you were in the garden, when you exiled your beloved ones. You had mercy on them. I have to believe that you are the same God for me that you were for David. He failed over and over again, but you ran to him at the outpouring of his heart, even in taking another man's wife. I have to believe that you are the same God now as you were when you told Abraham to take his son't life and give it to you, and still the same God that held back Abraham's hand when Issac was only moments from certain death. Despite my doubt, I have to believe that you are the same God who walked the earth and for a short time made yourself known as Messiah. You healed, you rebuked, you cast out evil, and you loved. I have to believe that you are the same God who brought his son to earth to pay my price. Truly, the same God who died there on the cross for me. I have to believe this and so much more, because if I don't than I am believing a lie. If I don't believe that your Word is truth, than I cannot believe that you are bigger than me. Indeed I can't believe that you are big enough to see me through anything, if you are a god who lies. I believe that you are an honest God, and that you would not lead your children astray. I have to believe that you are who you say you are, because if you are not, then all hope is lost. God, please forgive me for asking, but please come and make it known to me that you are the same God for me as you were for David, Abraham, Issac and the twelve. Make yourself evident to me.

messy...

2007-08-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

My cardboard box isn't holding up so well.
Someone point me in the direction of the nearest roll of duct tape... and quickly

Ignorance is bliss

2007-08-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

There are times that I wish I could go back to being completly clueless, instead of just mostly clueless. The only problem is, the less clueless I become, the more clueless I realize I am!! This can't be a good thing, but at the same time, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that this is bad. What to do? I'm not sure, but maybe today I'll attempt to embrace cluelessness.

...But I Should Let You See More

2007-08-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

Consider this selective transparency, revisited. As previously mentioned, I recognize in myself the tendancy to be very non-disclosing about some things. Now, please don't hear me say that this is a bad thing. THis is actually a good thing, when approached in a healthy manner. There are things that some people don't need to know, but for myself, it has taken me to a point of disfunction. I believe that for myself (not the "for myself" part) not disclosing certain things with people who I should trust has created a whole other list of tendancies and disfunctions that I'm sure you really don't care to know. The long and the short of it is that I need to be more transparent... and that scares me.
You see, being open with people and letting them see you for who you really are puts you at risk. At least, I believe that it puts me at risk. Again, these percieved risks, when compiled together, make a long list of things not really worth sharing, for the sake of space, but they feel real, just the same. There is something, though, that is pulling me to give more. There is something in me that is longing to tell you. I just want to tell you what I really think, and what I really believe and what I really feel!! There is something in me that wants to strip off the attempts at seeming perfect, and try on the more comfortable, but much less flattering, "real" me.
I imagine it being something like a cardboard box full of jello. after a while the cardboard gets soggy and the jello spills out all over the kitchen table. I guess Jello was never meant to be stored in cardboard in the first place.
If I have to be jello, I want to be the green kind.

You only see what I want you to...

2007-07-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

Selective transparency. It's my best kept secret. It's the weapon that keeps me safe and guards me against all of the people out there. It keeps everyone at a distance, while all the time making them think that they are on the inner circle. It's the "Great Wall" I have built around my heart to keep out intruders and terrorists who would come and destroy at the first opportunity. With my selective transparency I can justify anything. I can make it appear that I am doing well and that the pressures of life havn't gotten to me. If I need to, I can make it seem like I'm struggling a little. Only enough to curb suspicion though. I continue to build my "Great Wall" and very few people question me. I continue to only give enough information to appease those who need it and in the process have become so ignorant to the fact that my wall isn't so great and that it's crumbling under the weight of denial and ignorance. I believed I could keep everyone out and keep myself safe, but all I've done is trap myself in. I've taught myself to live in fear that someone will blast my wall to pieces, or find a way to climb over it. Rather than frantically try to mend the broken areas and strengthen the weak ones, I think I'll just sit back and watch. Besides I'm sick of being trapped behind this stupid wall!! I feel so exposed with this wall coming down all around me. So, come and see all there is to see as the wall crumbles and I am exposed to the world for who I truly am.
Lord, save me from my enemies. The worst of which is myself.

Issues

2007-07-28T17:35:00.000-07:00

"I am the model of perfection and even if I did anything less than perfect I wouldn't let you know."
This has unwittingly been my motto for as long as I can remember... Why did it take 23 years to see it? So I fess up. I have issues. As tempting as it is to list them all, I'll spare anyone who may take the time to read this, but know this: I see how deeply affected I am, and how deeply rooted they are, and how desperatly, and hungrily, and tirelessly I need to seek Jesus. I may not believe the promises of the bible in my heart but I know them to be true in my head. Does that mean that it's time to listen the the head instead of the heart, for a little while? I don't think I've ever tried that before. Maybe I'll try that.... I'll let you know how it goes.

Journal excerpt

2007-07-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's really been a while huh? There are usually so many things going on in my brain that I can’t just stop and think of just one. Here's what was on my mind today:
I want to be closer to Jesus and I want to be more like God, but where did I get to be so stagnant feeling. People tell me that I am so hard on myself but there’s GOT to be more than the life I live. There’s got to be more than the monotony that I feel like I’m stuck in. I know that life with Jesus is exciting. I have tasted it. I have lived it, so what’s the deal with this feeling of complacency. There are few things that I know for sure but among them are that Jesus is the messiah, God is Holy, Just, True and Kind. God loves his creation and among that creation I find myself, undeservingly in the midst of God’s love. I should be seeking with more fervency but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to put forth the effort so I wind up doing the same things I’ve always done. Jesus is all I need, so why do I turn to everything else? God, why is it so hard to focus! I’m caught between what I do and what I want to do. The latter isn’t satisfying but the drive to do the other is minimal. When did my passion for you become so stale? I want to breathe you. I want to feel your whispers on my neck. I want to burn with desire for you, God. I want it to be a fire in my bones. Yea, let me grow weary of holding it in! It’s as if conforming to complacency would be easier. And how easy it would be to do. How easy it would be to stop fighting the current and float downstream with everyone else. I don’t want to float downstream. I want to fight the current. Part of me wants to give up resistance, but the other part of me wants so badly to fight. Holy Spirit give me your strength. Teach me to follow you with passion and adoration. Help my attention to be on you. Help me to keep my eyes on nothing but the goal. Help me to throw off anything that hinders.

* * *

…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28

…Let it be so in me, Father

Monday Monday

2007-05-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

Dou you ever get to a place where you finally think you're getting somewhere? For example, you've been trying and trying to get better at... oh, let's use cooking... so, you're trying to improve at cooking and you finally think you're getting somewhere and then you burn Thanksgiving dinner beyond repair and you see once again how far you really have to go. No, I'm not learning to cook, but it seems like over and over again life presents opportunities to show you har far you really have to go. I know that this might sound discouraging and pessimistic, but bear with me a few moments longer. There is a point! I guess the other half of the story that begs telling is that I'm not just refering to life alone, but what my life has been like with Jesus the past three years. Praise the Lord he uses such mundane things to keep me humble and knowing that I've really gotten nowhere. Rather than frustration I need to practice a new mantra: "Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." It's almost funny how the truth can be so simple. May this be the cry of my heart.