WOO!!!

This little post serves only one purpose.

I'm gettin' hitched!!!!

August 20th, 2010

I'm a bit excited...

Almost

Ha ha!! I was attempting to be better at the whole blogging thing... Here I am a month later, finally getting to it.

Let me preface the following with this: I know my life isn't hard. I know my life is manageable, and I know that age old saying "this too shall pass."

With that said, I want to walk out back, pull out my hair and kick something... something hard. You know those places where everything feels like it's in between, and nothing feels like it's moving forward? I think I'm in one of those places. It's like nothing seems to move, but I can't keep up. I think that's been the mantra for this semester. I started out behind, but it feels as if I'm going nowhere!

Don't get me wrong, things are good. I have only one year left of school, I'm in love with the most amazing man ever, I have a roof over my head and I can pay my bills. I have a job (Praise the Lord!) and more than just my basic needs are met. What more could I ask for? I'm better of than 80% of the world's population.

Hmm...

One month of school left. Two days until David meets the family. one 20 page research paper, 2 huge presentations, 4 normal sized papers, 1 exam and 4 finals left to go until I'm free for a little while.

Summer's so close I can almost taste it.

... almost...

Another Attempt

It's been such a long time. So long, in fact, that I wonder if it's even worth picking up the whole blog thing again.

One way to find out??

I guess I'll try not to get into many thought this time around. It's like starting over again.

Where does one begin, anyway? After so long...

There are a lot of thoughts bouncing around that I should address soon...

- School

- Theology

- Worship

- A theology of worship

- Marriage

- Community

I bet there's more but some people spend a lifetime talking about just one of these, so I'll leave it at that.

More to come soon...

Thoughts

Boy it's been a while...

I can't remember the last time I wrote something even mildly worth reading...

I've been thinking the past couple weeks about a lot of things. Relationships (and not just the romantic kinds) people, discipleship, education, discipline, worship, priorities...

SO many thoughts, just swimming an swirling.

Most of these thoughts consist of things I'm not doing that I should be, or things I should be better at that I don't do well. Sometimes they consist of things I wish were different... Sometimes of things I hope never change...

In all of it, though, there are a couple themes that seem to commonly reappear. It's as if a voice is saying over and over again, "Keep your eyes on me, keep your priorities straight."

I keep wondering if this all boils down to one thing: Worship.

By worshipping Him, my life will change. By my life changing I will be more like him.

All of this is too much for this time of night, but there are many more thoughts in my brain.

Worship: How do I make it a part of who I am even more so? Not just a part of what I do on Sunday mornings?

Finals avoidance tactics

Newest finals avoidance tactic: Odosketch

Promises to provide hours of sketching fun...

Preach it...

Well, tomorrow is the day...

At 10am I will be preaching in church for the first time ever...

I think I might puke...

I'll let y'all know how it goes...

Side Swiped

This week has been bizarre!!

Less than a week ago I was lamenting over homework and now I couldn't care less about it.

I'm doing my homework, by the way...

It never ceases to amaze me how life can change in an instant. I'm so glad I threw the 5 year plan out the window long ago...

I have been completely side swiped this week and it is so wonderful!

Senioritis

There are about 400 thoughts in my head at this moment that I could write about (I guess that happens when you are an inconsistent blogger... Sean, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time!) In order to not confuse you with the workings of the labyrinth called my brain I will stick to one: School.

I've never been much of the studious type. I like learning, but I don't like homework. I like the social aspect of school, but again, I don't like homework. I like going to class, just not at 8:00 every day and I like reading... but once again, I really don't like homework.

I understand that it's a great discipline to learn, but really I could do without it... Well... In a perfect world.

You see, I've been battling a terrible case of senioritis. Symptoms: procrastination and avoidance, a serious lack of desire to attend classes, and a "please don't make me read another page" mentality. Not fun...

It all came to a head yesterday morning. I woke up, beat from the weekend, and decided to skip class to spend time with Jesus. Then I spent the entire time asking to help me desire to be a better student. I want to do well, but I don't want to go to school!!

Well, he is a God who answers prayers. I'm not going to go into detail, but he poured out encouragement, blessing, faithfulness, and love on me like I never expected. He reminded me, "this is not just for you, and I have big plans." It was much needed and very good.

Moral of the story - God is a God who hears us, and responds to us.

I still don't want to do my homework, but I've got a renewed perspective on why I go to school. If for no other reason than to bring him glory, I will do it.

I'll try to be better at this whole blogging thing... Just like school...

Not Enough...

Well, this is it. The last day of Summer. It came to an end so quickly, but I feel as if this transition from season to season is unlike any I've ever had.

In a sense, it's like vacation is over and it's now time to focus on more important things in life. I think that recently I've remembered the importance of living for others.

I seem to have vague memories of a time in my life when I did that, but I think I've regressed. I find myself asking the same questions of myself:

"What does a life lived for others look like?"

"How am I not already doing that?"

"What areas do I need to change to live a life that abandons self preservation in favor of others?"

I guess there are two more questions that are more important: First I need to ask "How am I a poor representation of Jesus?" and second I need to take a good, hard, deep, look and ask "Are you willing to hear the answers?" Maybe the second needs to come first...

Jesus, my desire is for you! I know that it means certain death to ask you to come and make me dependent on you, but if death is what it takes, kill every last fiber of me. Make me a woman who is able to say with confidence, "though you slay me, Lord, Still I will follow you."

may by ability no longer be enough to get by on. I need the Holy Spirit and the power of the living God to be my strength. I need you...

Let it be.

August 2nd...

... was a bummer day.

Better luck tomorrow... (I hope)...

Journal Excerpt 7.12.09 (edited)

"...Would you continue to scrape away those areas of sickness and un-health so that I can be made whole and clean. I know that there are areas that I need to be cleaned of – take them!
I need you cleansing so badly

My unholiness craves your holiness – Your cleansing – You

Father, will you give me a healthy perspective... Show me ways in which I can change and be more like you. God, I want to be blameless, not because I don’t want to be at fault, but because I have the character and integrity of your Son.
I want to look like Him…

I want to talk like Him, care like Him, love, like He loved.

People will look at me like I’m crazy – I know that… But would you help me to be secure in you enough to let my image be thrown out the window. I don’t really care what they think – But help me to care less. Their impression of me is irrelevant. Ingrain that in my mind.
Father, I want to be willing to be made a fool for your name’s sake – Right now I’m not. I’m too concerned with what others will think. Kill that part of me.
Father, would you humble me to the point that I am willing to be seen as foolish. Will you break my heart to the point that my image no longer matters?
Right now I am too caught up in self to be lost in you, but I want to lose myself so that I might be found.
God will you free me from myself?

I think it is something I desperately need..."

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25

It'll be my birthday soon.
I love my birthday. A lot! But this one is so weird.
I find myself repeating, over and over, "you're going to be 25 and you haven't even started your life yet!"
Something about turning 25 makes adulthood seem more real. Now, I know that 25 isn't old, but you have to bear with me, because I've never turned 25 before... I guess I just thought things would be different at 25 than they are. I wouldn't change them and I think that things are pretty great, but it has caused me to contemplate a lot.
It's already been 25 years since I was born. A lot has happened (as I'm sure a lot more will) but it has all happened so quickly... and it just keeps getting quicker.
I was wandering through thoughts the other day and it hit me that someday I'm going to die. In 25 more years I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday and I might have children graduating high school, or having children... and then in 25 more years, I could be celebrating another quarter of a century and the end of life will be so near.
I wonder if I'll be scared.
I think what concerns me more is that life will never start. Yes, right now college is my life but I don't want that to just be my life! I want to meet people and go places and do things. I want to learn fun stuff like photography and painting! I want to make people breakfast and coffee and learn how to play the cello...
So many things! So little time!
Luckily I've got about 10 more days to get used to the idea... I'm sure it will provide a lot more opportunity for God to reveal himself to me.
His plans, His purposes...
I guess it doesn't matter if I've got 2 more years or 200... as long as I live them for Him.

Socialism

Let me begin this by saying that I'm not very politically minded and I don't have answers to these questions yet, but some conversations I've had this week have caused me to question some stuff.

- Does socialism inhibit freedom? Social health care for example: If the government provides health care to you, they can dictate when you are and aren't eligible to receive certain services... a woman in China is only allowed to have one child and if she exceeds that number the government will likely require that she abort her pregnancy and be sterilized... I would not call that free.

- Does socialism encourage mediocrity? Socialism, as far as I understand it, attempts to put everyone on a more level playing field. What's the point of striving to be successful if everyone receives the same benefit? What's the point of working hard if you can reap the same benefit as those who do not work at all?

- Do our consumeristic ideals encourage us to buy into socialism? Think about this - Consumerism is about getting more for less, right? Consumerism asks the question, "Where can I get more for less?" Naturally, if we are already in this mindset we will probably be excited when someone comes along and says "I'll give you all this for nothing, and you can be just as good as everyone else!" However, are we so excited to get something for what seems like nothing that we forget about the implications it might have on our overall quality of life? ... What about taxes, housing, the number of children I have, the future of those children?

Here's my last question... and again, I have not thought through this completely:

- Is socialism antithetical to the message of the gospel? Jesus says "give up everything to follow me, you father, your mother, your riches. Leave your family and give what you have to the poor and follow me. Store up treasures in heaven" There are many more examples than the few I can think of off hand, but it seems that Jesus says that some will have a reward that is greater than others. This reward seems to be directly related to how much they gave up for the kingdom. Everyone is an heir and everyone can receive the saving blood of Jesus, but not all will enter into heaven. If Jesus was a socialist then what would be the point of even accepting him and trying to live for him? If Jesus were a socialist, wouldn't he have to bring into the kingdom even those who don't believe in him...

I really don't know... Maybe I am completely misunderstanding the premise of socialistic society...

I'd love to hear what you all have to say.

The Magician's Nephew

There are some things that just strike you.
a beautiful sunrise-flowers blooming-dear friends-well written books...

One of the things on my summer "To Do" list is to re-read the Narnia chronicles. Last night I finished the first book in the series. It's awesome.
It took a little over a day to read the little book, what with work and other obligations, but toward the end I found it difficult to hold back tears.

Aslan creates the land of Narnia and chooses some of his creatures to be intelligent beings, to watch over Narnia. After he chooses them, this is what he says:

"Narnia, Narnia, Narnia, awake. Love. Think. Speak. Be walking trees. Be talking beasts. Be divine waters... Creatures, I give you yourselves. I give to you forever this land of Narnia. I give you the woods, the fruits, the rivers. I give you the stars and I give you myself... Laugh and fear not... You see, friends, that before the new, clean world I gave you is seven hours old, a force of evil has already entered it; waked and brought hither by this son of Adam. Evil will come of that evil... and I will see to it that the worst falls upon myself..."

So Good... Probably more to come...

Mohammed

Today I went to Chico with a couple friends. We went to go to a Jazz concert at Laxon Auditorium and decided to go a few hours early to hang out. On the agenda was falafel wraps at Petra Mediterranean Restaurant. (so incredibly amazing!!)
So we're at this little place and the owner, Mohammad, is making our falafels, talking to us about our lives and his life. He is such a nice guy. It came up that we go to a christian college and then he asked, "you are Christians?" After we answered yes he began to ask all sorts of questions. Very good, but very hard questions.
I go to a bible school and I'm studying Theology, but I feel like I'll never be well enough prepared for things like this. Some of the questions were easy enough, (what is the difference between Catholic and Protestant? You mean Christians do not all believe the same?) but some of his questions were hard (How is it that you can believe Jesus is the Son of God and God himself, yet you only believe in one God...)

Sometimes I feel so ignorant...
Sometimes I wonder if Redding is too isolated...
Sometimes I think I'm too comfortable here...
Sometimes I think I'll never have these answers...

So, here is what I questioned throughout the remainder of the night, "What do I say? What could I have done differently? What can I store away in my memory bank for next time?? God, How do I reach this man, and his family... and an entire planet... who will all die and go to hell if I don't do something???!!!"

Two things came to mind:
-"it is customary for me, as a Christian, to pray to God for_________ (fill in the blank: lunch, friends, sickness, etc.) May I pray for you?"
- live a life people will be intrigued by and attracted to.

In one of my text books there is a paragraph about Australia. Apparently, ranchers in Australia don't use fences. The territories are too big to keep a fence repaired and in working order. Instead, they build wells in the areas they want their livestock to stay. If life giving water is readily available, there will be no need for the livestock to leave and the animals will stay close.
I'm sure you can make the connection...

...This all leaves me with one more thought: I am ignorant!!! ...and I've got so incredibly far to go.....

Wedding night vs. Marriage life

It seems like everyone is talking about it... or doing it...
It seems like everywhere I turn there's a blog, a book, a conversation or speculation about marriage... That's right: Marriage.
So, all of this marriage talk (and the fact that I know a dozen or more couples tying the knot this summer) has gotten me thinking...
When I was in high school and early college marriage was this big deal thing. Mostly because getting married meant one huge thing: Sex. A lot of people I knew were already having sex, so for them it was no big deal, but for the ones who waited it was a very big deal... To the point that that's where the wedding day ended. If you had asked me at 19 years old where a wedding day ends I would have said "the bedroom"
So, now I'm older and a lot of my friends are getting married. I'm so excited for all of them! But, all of this marriage and wedding stuff has made me start thinking again. I don't know when it was - Maybe a couple months ago - but I was thinking about weddings and I had this thought: What happens after the wedding night?
Now, before you think I'm a complete idiot, let me reassure you, I know what happens... The point, though, is that the "wedding night" had become so engrained as the pinnacle of marriage that It had never crossed my mind to think into the day after the wedding, let alone the month, or decade... SCARY STUFF!!!
So this is what I've been thinking - not about wedding ceremonies or the wedding night - I've been thinking about marriage.
As I began to think past the wedding night I also began to think about the struggles of life together - Learning together, submitting to one another - arguing - apologizing - Cooking dinner and doing laundry - raising children... (Seriously, this list could go on for pages.) I began to think of the qualities of a good husband: a protector and provider, a support and encourager, a man who is willing to lay down his life for the good of his wife and children, someone to help guide me and rebuke me if I need it... and most importantly, a man who is willing to give anything and everything for the sake of following Jesus and making the Gospel known to the nations...
At some point it dawned on me: Those are the things that God is for me already.
God is my protector, my provider and my supporting encourager. He is willing to lay down his life, in fact, he already has. He guides me and rebukes me and his greatest desire is that everyone would hear the Gospel. And to top it all off, He is wildly in love with me.
I wonder, what would my life look like if I focused less on a "wedding night" experience with God and more on a "marriage life" with Him...

Song of Songs 4: 6-16
The sweet, fragrant curves of your body, the soft, spiced contours of your flesh
Invite me, and I come. I stay until dawn breathes its light and night slips away.
You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless.

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride.
Leave Lebanon behind, and come.
Leave your high mountain hideaway.
Abandon your wilderness seclusion, where you keep company with lions and panthers guard your safety.
You've captured my heart, dear friend.
You looked at me, and I fell in love.
One look my way and I was hopelessly in love!
How beautiful your love, dear, dear friend—
far more pleasing than a fine, rare wine, your fragrance more exotic than select spices.
The kisses of your lips are honey, my love, every syllable you speak a delicacy to savor.
Your clothes smell like the wild outdoors, the ozone scent of high mountains.
Dear lover and friend, you're a secret garden, a private and pure fountain.
Body and soul, you are paradise, a whole orchard of succulent fruits—
Ripe apricots and peaches, oranges and pears;
Nut trees and cinnamon, and all scented woods;
Mint and lavender, and all herbs aromatic;
A garden fountain, sparkling and splashing, fed by spring waters from the Lebanon mountains.

(The Woman)
Wake up, North Wind,
get moving, South Wind!
Breathe on my garden,
fill the air with spice fragrance.
Oh, let my lover enter his garden!
Yes, let him eat the fine, ripe fruits.


...How Beautiful.

Exciting Discoveries!!

So, sometime last week I went to pick up my bike from the house I used to live at. It had been sitting for a while. I was at school and didn't have anywhere covered to store it and one of the gals living there had been using it... but then it got a flat... and then it just sat there... with one sad flat tire accumulating dust.
That made me sad.
But then I moved and had plenty of places to store it so I went and got it...
Last night Julie helped me change the tube and tune it up a bit (She's absolutely amazing... She even fed me Lasagna!) And today was a nearly perfect day... So I went riding.
It was AMAZING!! Let me just tell you how incredibly perfect it was. First, I live right across the street from a really pretty well kept preserve that has trails. They're pretty easy and just plain beautiful so I started there. The trails lead to all sorts of places so I figured I'd just explore.
I stopped at the little pond for a few minutes and said "hi" to the little bird friends that live there. Ducks, Geese, Some little loon-ish looking birds, red-winged black birds, killdeer, and I also saw an egret. It was great.
I followed the trail and it forked off so I took the right fork and ended up at another entrance to the preserve. I rode down that road and came to Airport Rd. One of the bigger roads in town (Although there's not a whole lot on it.) I knew that if I turned right I could do a full circle and some more exploring, so I did! That's when I made another amazing discovery!! There's a little privately owned burrito store in town and taking the way I did it's only about a 10 minute ride from the house... They have the best Salsa Verde in town... I'm stoked about that.
I kept riding and passed all sorts of things. Jose's diner, Risen King's current church offices, Dutch Bros. and some houses.
Then I stopped to feed a horse some grass, rode around in some neighborhoods (I actually took a street I wasn't familiar with and got lost) and then I had made it full circle so I decided to check out the other trails in the preserve before I rode my little self home.
The weather was perfect and the scenery was green and beautiful... I thought about a lot of stuff because it was quiet and I was alone...
Altogether it was an amazing Saturday...
I'm sure there will be more cycling adventure stories to come!!

Hymns

I've been listening to Hymns lately. I know a lot of people don't like them, but if you listen to the words you will quickly see that they are rich with praise, adoration and theology!! I admit, without shame, that I LOVE HYMNS!!!
Here's the latest favorite. Fernando Ortega does it really well.
Seriously... if you don't listen to hymns you should... You'll be rocked...

O Sacred Head Now Wounded
O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
How pale thou art with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How doth Thy visage languish that once was bright as morn!

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

Mid-Day thought

Relevance is not making something palatable.
They aren't the same thing...