Passenger

I just don't get it. I don't understand how a God who has the entire universe under his thumb could let me (or you) participate in what he's doing. None of the analogies we have are good enough to describe what it's like.
We've been open for 2 weeks today and already he is moving in unexpected ways. "His grace is sufficient" is taking on new meaning as I find myself in a position that I am completely unqualified for and really not that good at.
I was praying this morning on my way home from a 6am meeting and I was asking God if this is really what he wanted me to be doing. I felt so encouraged. He said that I could stop if I really wanted to but that he'd prepared me for this time. I also felt like he said it was going to succeed. How could you not follow God and give him everything with such encouragement as that!!
Making this place succeed is not anything I can do. It's all going to have to be Him.
On another note: It is absolutely breathtaking in here, and there is such a peace. It's almost tangible. I stole the pic from a friend's blog (thanks, by the way!!)
He really knows what he's doing and despite difficulty, I think it'll all work out in the end.
Classes started this week too. I'm so blessed to be going to school. This year is going to be a wild ride... I'm so glad I'm just a passenger.

He Beckons

In the midst of moving I've lost my bible. It sure is a hell of a time to lose something so redolent with life and encouragement. Life has been pretty calm since January... Up until 3 weeks ago, that is. I can't wait for everyone to come back to school and see it. Hopefully we'll be ready to open shop as scheduled (August 18th if you were wondering)
I can't quite figure out what God's going to do in this next season. Right now I just want to cry. It's kinda comical, actually. I Have been surprisingly emotionless the past three weeks, but tonight I began to get a little weepy. I came home and I felt absolutely spent. It's a little overwhelming being partially responsible for opening a business, let alone opening it in a month.. that's right... one month.
If nothing else, there are a few things I am beginning to see, both in God and in myself. I am constantly being reminded of how He is the one who made all of this happen. It's a complete miracle that we were even asked to take over the coffee shop in the first place! God is reminding me of things that he spoke to me and things that I prayed for years ago. I would venture to say that he is beginning to bring some of those things to fruition. AMEN!!
He's also showing me some of my junk (as usual) I'm a little overwhelmed and I haven't been the nicest person this week. I think in celebration of my crappy attitude I was given a slice of humble pie... I also have this little habit of muscling through difficulties without even thinking about asking God for strength. DUMB!! Don't do it... It's stupid and not nearly as productive. But he's a good Papa and he's always waiting for me to grab hold of his hand again, no matter how undeserving I am.
I can see how everything in my life, especially events over the past 5 years, has led up to this season. He is so gracious to give us the desires of our hearts if we first choose to give ourselves completely to Him. I am completely humbled by the amazing saviour we serve and even more humbled by my incompetence. Yet, He adores me.
If you're in the area, come see the shop. If you live in Redding, I'm sure we can find college students for you to feed. If you really want to win them over, tell them to bring their laundry too.
Really what I think it comes down to is this: "But God demonstrates his love for us by the fact that the Messiah died for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:8) What choice does that leave us?

Ramblings...

It's coming along beautifully. The walls are painted and we've figured out a way to give them an artistic look while still being able to display art. It's going to be beautiful and I'm so excited... but today I was tired.
I looked at the list of things that have to be done yesterday and suddenly my chest got tight. I was slightly short of breath and had a passing thought that sounded something like "what in world did I get myself into?" I'm sure it won't be the last time I think that. I had to step back from it all so I picked up my guitar and played a song...
...Then a book on my desk caught my eye. Tozer on the Holy Spirit. It's a one year devotional... a really great read. I hadn't picked it up since May and felt like I needed to see what today's tid-bit was. I flipped the pages open to August 4th and the title was "Energy From Indwelling Power" The caption in the upper left was Romans 8:11. It reads: "He that raised Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his spirit that dwelleth in you."
As Tozer wrote: "To live in the Spirit is to receive the...life of the Holy spirit in our physical being and to find in Him the source of constant stimulus and strength for... our mind and all the functions of our body."

I wonder: what would my life look like if I really let his joy be my strength. What does that even look like? Maybe I get it and don't realize it... Then again... Probably not. I remember in a women's bible study we did a few years ago we talked about finding sabbath rest in Jesus Christ. I wonder if God is bringing me into a season of finding sabbath rest in him, everyday... That would be wonderful.
Mostly it's just speculation at this point... I'm sure it's all connected to something else though. Something bigger than you and I can see or imagine this side of heaven. What an honor it is to be allowed to opportunity to participate. We aren't just fans... We're on the team!! (thanks for the great analogy P.M.)

Free Indeed : A Year in Retrospect

It's been about a year since I started blogging regularly. Not that this blog has become anything profound that hundreds and thousands of people read... It's not creating a movement... In fact, it might not really make an impact at all. I'm ok with that though. That's not what it was intended for anyway
I was reading a post from last July. God really has done a lot in me. Sometimes I barely recognize myself... yet at the same time, I am more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been. He is so gracious to free us from strongholds and oppressions, if we'll just relinquish control and let him fix us. There's a part in The Shack where the main character, Mack, is talking to God and God says something like "it's hard to save someone who won't let you save them." It's really a wonderful story. I can't believe that I spent so much of my life trying to figure it out on my own. I still have a hard time being completely dependent on God... But I want to depend on him, and that's a years worth of God working in me that won't go wasted. He's so caring.
This time last year I was a broken, scared little girl... like a hurt dog that cowers in a corner, ready to bite the first hand that comes close enough... Even a helpful one. I had barricaded my heart in this little numb shell and God, in his mercy and love for me, decided to chip away my calloused exterior. It was severely painful at first. I felt so naked. It was as if everyone could see who I really was for the first time, and I knew it wasn't pretty. He really has done quite a work and I know it's not over. I get to spend the rest of my life hand in hand with a King who loves me more that there are words for. Who wouldn't want to do that!!
It's been such a full year! I can't imagine that life would get any more fulfilling!! The more God and I talk about this though, I get the impression that this is only the beginning. The next three years is Yaks and school and then from there, who knows. I don't have any idea what it'll look like, but I do know that it will be exciting! God has given me a wide open door to love my school. So few people have opportunities like this! I truly am blessed.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough room inside of me to contain the excitement and emotion of it all. I have no idea what God will do, or what it will look like. I guess I never really know how wonderful it will be until I look backwards. I do know one thing though: I am finally beginning to understand freedom.

A Hill To Die On

...And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another just as he has commanded us. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. 1 John 3:23

Oh Great God, that your love would live in me. Not just in spoken words but in sincere action.
For what injustice can look true love square in the face and not eventually be compelled to change?
I will never speak with eloquent words, or powerful charisma, but if you'll help me to love I'll gladly spend my life learning how.

Run of the Mill

Well, it looks as if it is official!! We break ground on Yaks #3 Monday, and I can finally breathe... for a little while at least.
There's been something about the mounting anticipation that has gotten to me. I've worked myself up (unnecessarily, might I add) and we are finally here. Although, I am not completely sure where here is... Somewhere between uncertainty and completion??
Right now it looks like we'll be open sometime mid August. That means we have 1 month to gut the place and make it look nice. I'm so excited to have some artistic input. I've missed doing stuff like that. As far as details go, you'll just have to come and see us when we open... and don't worry, you'll know.
On a different note, I got to spend some time in Santa Cruz with the awesome folks at Antioch Church. That's the church plant that The Vineyard sent out in Jan 2007. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We hung out downtown on Friday after we arrived and went to the Saturn Cafe. It's a vegetarian diner!! Think 50's style diner gone veggie. SO GOOD!! After that we ran around to what seemed like every tattoo shop in the Santa Cruz area. That in itself was an experience. Saturday we hung out at the park market selling Sean's secret (amazing and butt-kickin') Salsa and home roasted coffee. It was such a neat opportunity to hang out with S.C. locals. Most of them are so truly lost. It's hearbreaking. I also met some folks that have a church in the S.C. area called New Earth Tribe. They are a group of Jesus lovers who minister to people in a new age context. They were awesome!! It seems like the Holy Spirit is doing wonderful things through them. It's always exciting to see new approaches to ministry and this is one I'd never seen before. Saturday was spent in downtown and Sunday was church and Alana's birthday BBQ. Sean let me lead worship on Sunday. It was such an honor that he would let me step into that role in his church. To top it all off, I was totally blessed by what Sean had to say. He echoed and affirmed things that had been stirring in my heart... the long and the short: God's heart beats for people. The uncreated creator desires to be near to His creation.
Monday we went horseback riding and then went to the boardwalk and Tuesday we went home!!
There were some things about Santa Cruz that were hard. There is an evident spiritual oppression there. It's hard to be there for a weekend... I can't imagine being called there. But God spoke to me and reminded me of some good things that I needed to hear.
1. I'm really not capable in my own strength to accomplish much of anything. That's why He lets me help out with the stuff He's doing. I'm notorious for grabbing my independence and running with it. I need to work on that some more or I'm gonna have a mondo humble pie flying straight for my face.
2. God LOVES people. All People!! Rich, poor, destitute, smelly, socially inept, mentally impaired, chemically imbalanced, seemingly pristine, mean, cocky, attention hungry... You name it... He LOVES them... A LOT
3. I'm not used to being dependent. I'm not good at relying on people. I would rather do something on my own than ask or inconvenience someone. I like being independent and capable and unless I learn to eat my independence, I'm gonna go down. That wouldn't be pretty, either
4. 3 years is enough to focus on. I don't have to have my whole life figured out just yet.

I'm sure there will be plenty more thoughts to come in the next few weeks... that is, assuming there's a few minutes to spare here and there. I think 4 is enough for now, anyway.

The Fears Of My Doubting Heart

It's late. Actually it's almost bedtime so hopefully I can make this short. I've had a little vortex of thoughts swirling around in my head this week.
We're still waiting on the coffee shop to go through. South street is on the verge of being open and then It's going to Simpson's Yaks consuming my life. We've been on hold for a couple weeks and as time gets shorter, I have realized that I'm growing more and more anxious.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but that's the only way I can think of to describe the tight feeling I get in my chest every time I let my mind go into detail mode. It's as if I can feel my blood pressure rising within me. The tight chest and rising blood pressure has also been accompanied by a lot of thinking... and a tinge of fear.
Maybe I'm realizing that this is going to be more difficult than I have had it idealized in my head, or maybe I realized how absolutely insane it is to think that I'm hard-core enough to go to school full time and manage a coffee shop... can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest straight jacket and padded room??
I didn't really think about it until last week. Something happened at my small group and it hit me: "people see me as a leader." It was the kind of situation that made me want to look behind me to see who they were really talking about when they were looking in my direction. As that realization began to settle in my grey matter I began to remember some of the things that God spoke to me before I started school. He shared with me that he would eventually bring me into a season where my passion for Him would be offensive, even to those who followed him, and that there would be people who would really not like me. He also has been reminding me that I cannot contextualize the truth to make it easy to swallow. I am called to speak the truth boldly.
I wonder if this is the beginning of that season.
I'm a little scared. Not so much that there will be people who are offended by me, but afraid of how I will respond. I'm so afraid that when it comes down to it, I'll speak only what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
The opportunity to be Jesus to this campus is fulfillment of God's promises and it is bigger than anything I can see. It's a piece of bringing the eternal kingdom to earth and it's evidence of God's faithfulness and love for His children... and I get to be part of it.
It's so humbling to think that the Lord and King of all creation would take the time to let me partner with him. In myself there's nothing worthy of His kingdom. Nothing I could put my hands to would be successful without the power of the living, breathing uncreated God. His plans are perfect. His plans rise above my attempts, my desires and even my fears.
That's straight truth, right there.
If you think about it, pray that God would reveal himself to the student body here. Pray that His glory would be revealed and that his presence would manifest on this campus. Pray that Yaks would give The Holy Spirit an opportunity to penetrate hardened hearts and mend broken ones. Pray that we would be used to reveal His glory and adoration and that Jesus' life would be evermore lived in us incarnationally.
As all of this moves forward I am left with a few words that press on my heart. They compel me to ignore fear and move forward with Jesus as my guide:
"This gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come" Matthew 24:14
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I've commanded you. And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age."
Matthew 28:17-20
Let it be so...