Senioritis

There are about 400 thoughts in my head at this moment that I could write about (I guess that happens when you are an inconsistent blogger... Sean, I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time!) In order to not confuse you with the workings of the labyrinth called my brain I will stick to one: School.

I've never been much of the studious type. I like learning, but I don't like homework. I like the social aspect of school, but again, I don't like homework. I like going to class, just not at 8:00 every day and I like reading... but once again, I really don't like homework.

I understand that it's a great discipline to learn, but really I could do without it... Well... In a perfect world.

You see, I've been battling a terrible case of senioritis. Symptoms: procrastination and avoidance, a serious lack of desire to attend classes, and a "please don't make me read another page" mentality. Not fun...

It all came to a head yesterday morning. I woke up, beat from the weekend, and decided to skip class to spend time with Jesus. Then I spent the entire time asking to help me desire to be a better student. I want to do well, but I don't want to go to school!!

Well, he is a God who answers prayers. I'm not going to go into detail, but he poured out encouragement, blessing, faithfulness, and love on me like I never expected. He reminded me, "this is not just for you, and I have big plans." It was much needed and very good.

Moral of the story - God is a God who hears us, and responds to us.

I still don't want to do my homework, but I've got a renewed perspective on why I go to school. If for no other reason than to bring him glory, I will do it.

I'll try to be better at this whole blogging thing... Just like school...

Not Enough...

Well, this is it. The last day of Summer. It came to an end so quickly, but I feel as if this transition from season to season is unlike any I've ever had.

In a sense, it's like vacation is over and it's now time to focus on more important things in life. I think that recently I've remembered the importance of living for others.

I seem to have vague memories of a time in my life when I did that, but I think I've regressed. I find myself asking the same questions of myself:

"What does a life lived for others look like?"

"How am I not already doing that?"

"What areas do I need to change to live a life that abandons self preservation in favor of others?"

I guess there are two more questions that are more important: First I need to ask "How am I a poor representation of Jesus?" and second I need to take a good, hard, deep, look and ask "Are you willing to hear the answers?" Maybe the second needs to come first...

Jesus, my desire is for you! I know that it means certain death to ask you to come and make me dependent on you, but if death is what it takes, kill every last fiber of me. Make me a woman who is able to say with confidence, "though you slay me, Lord, Still I will follow you."

may by ability no longer be enough to get by on. I need the Holy Spirit and the power of the living God to be my strength. I need you...

Let it be.

August 2nd...

... was a bummer day.

Better luck tomorrow... (I hope)...

Journal Excerpt 7.12.09 (edited)

"...Would you continue to scrape away those areas of sickness and un-health so that I can be made whole and clean. I know that there are areas that I need to be cleaned of – take them!
I need you cleansing so badly

My unholiness craves your holiness – Your cleansing – You

Father, will you give me a healthy perspective... Show me ways in which I can change and be more like you. God, I want to be blameless, not because I don’t want to be at fault, but because I have the character and integrity of your Son.
I want to look like Him…

I want to talk like Him, care like Him, love, like He loved.

People will look at me like I’m crazy – I know that… But would you help me to be secure in you enough to let my image be thrown out the window. I don’t really care what they think – But help me to care less. Their impression of me is irrelevant. Ingrain that in my mind.
Father, I want to be willing to be made a fool for your name’s sake – Right now I’m not. I’m too concerned with what others will think. Kill that part of me.
Father, would you humble me to the point that I am willing to be seen as foolish. Will you break my heart to the point that my image no longer matters?
Right now I am too caught up in self to be lost in you, but I want to lose myself so that I might be found.
God will you free me from myself?

I think it is something I desperately need..."

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25

It'll be my birthday soon.
I love my birthday. A lot! But this one is so weird.
I find myself repeating, over and over, "you're going to be 25 and you haven't even started your life yet!"
Something about turning 25 makes adulthood seem more real. Now, I know that 25 isn't old, but you have to bear with me, because I've never turned 25 before... I guess I just thought things would be different at 25 than they are. I wouldn't change them and I think that things are pretty great, but it has caused me to contemplate a lot.
It's already been 25 years since I was born. A lot has happened (as I'm sure a lot more will) but it has all happened so quickly... and it just keeps getting quicker.
I was wandering through thoughts the other day and it hit me that someday I'm going to die. In 25 more years I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday and I might have children graduating high school, or having children... and then in 25 more years, I could be celebrating another quarter of a century and the end of life will be so near.
I wonder if I'll be scared.
I think what concerns me more is that life will never start. Yes, right now college is my life but I don't want that to just be my life! I want to meet people and go places and do things. I want to learn fun stuff like photography and painting! I want to make people breakfast and coffee and learn how to play the cello...
So many things! So little time!
Luckily I've got about 10 more days to get used to the idea... I'm sure it will provide a lot more opportunity for God to reveal himself to me.
His plans, His purposes...
I guess it doesn't matter if I've got 2 more years or 200... as long as I live them for Him.

Socialism

Let me begin this by saying that I'm not very politically minded and I don't have answers to these questions yet, but some conversations I've had this week have caused me to question some stuff.

- Does socialism inhibit freedom? Social health care for example: If the government provides health care to you, they can dictate when you are and aren't eligible to receive certain services... a woman in China is only allowed to have one child and if she exceeds that number the government will likely require that she abort her pregnancy and be sterilized... I would not call that free.

- Does socialism encourage mediocrity? Socialism, as far as I understand it, attempts to put everyone on a more level playing field. What's the point of striving to be successful if everyone receives the same benefit? What's the point of working hard if you can reap the same benefit as those who do not work at all?

- Do our consumeristic ideals encourage us to buy into socialism? Think about this - Consumerism is about getting more for less, right? Consumerism asks the question, "Where can I get more for less?" Naturally, if we are already in this mindset we will probably be excited when someone comes along and says "I'll give you all this for nothing, and you can be just as good as everyone else!" However, are we so excited to get something for what seems like nothing that we forget about the implications it might have on our overall quality of life? ... What about taxes, housing, the number of children I have, the future of those children?

Here's my last question... and again, I have not thought through this completely:

- Is socialism antithetical to the message of the gospel? Jesus says "give up everything to follow me, you father, your mother, your riches. Leave your family and give what you have to the poor and follow me. Store up treasures in heaven" There are many more examples than the few I can think of off hand, but it seems that Jesus says that some will have a reward that is greater than others. This reward seems to be directly related to how much they gave up for the kingdom. Everyone is an heir and everyone can receive the saving blood of Jesus, but not all will enter into heaven. If Jesus was a socialist then what would be the point of even accepting him and trying to live for him? If Jesus were a socialist, wouldn't he have to bring into the kingdom even those who don't believe in him...

I really don't know... Maybe I am completely misunderstanding the premise of socialistic society...

I'd love to hear what you all have to say.