Selective transparency. It's my best kept secret. It's the weapon that keeps me safe and guards me against all of the people out there. It keeps everyone at a distance, while all the time making them think that they are on the inner circle. It's the "Great Wall" I have built around my heart to keep out intruders and terrorists who would come and destroy at the first opportunity. With my selective transparency I can justify anything. I can make it appear that I am doing well and that the pressures of life havn't gotten to me. If I need to, I can make it seem like I'm struggling a little. Only enough to curb suspicion though. I continue to build my "Great Wall" and very few people question me. I continue to only give enough information to appease those who need it and in the process have become so ignorant to the fact that my wall isn't so great and that it's crumbling under the weight of denial and ignorance. I believed I could keep everyone out and keep myself safe, but all I've done is trap myself in. I've taught myself to live in fear that someone will blast my wall to pieces, or find a way to climb over it. Rather than frantically try to mend the broken areas and strengthen the weak ones, I think I'll just sit back and watch. Besides I'm sick of being trapped behind this stupid wall!! I feel so exposed with this wall coming down all around me. So, come and see all there is to see as the wall crumbles and I am exposed to the world for who I truly am.
Lord, save me from my enemies. The worst of which is myself.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Issues
"I am the model of perfection and even if I did anything less than perfect I wouldn't let you know."
This has unwittingly been my motto for as long as I can remember... Why did it take 23 years to see it? So I fess up. I have issues. As tempting as it is to list them all, I'll spare anyone who may take the time to read this, but know this: I see how deeply affected I am, and how deeply rooted they are, and how desperatly, and hungrily, and tirelessly I need to seek Jesus. I may not believe the promises of the bible in my heart but I know them to be true in my head. Does that mean that it's time to listen the the head instead of the heart, for a little while? I don't think I've ever tried that before. Maybe I'll try that.... I'll let you know how it goes.
This has unwittingly been my motto for as long as I can remember... Why did it take 23 years to see it? So I fess up. I have issues. As tempting as it is to list them all, I'll spare anyone who may take the time to read this, but know this: I see how deeply affected I am, and how deeply rooted they are, and how desperatly, and hungrily, and tirelessly I need to seek Jesus. I may not believe the promises of the bible in my heart but I know them to be true in my head. Does that mean that it's time to listen the the head instead of the heart, for a little while? I don't think I've ever tried that before. Maybe I'll try that.... I'll let you know how it goes.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Journal excerpt
It's really been a while huh? There are usually so many things going on in my brain that I can’t just stop and think of just one. Here's what was on my mind today:
I want to be closer to Jesus and I want to be more like God, but where did I get to be so stagnant feeling. People tell me that I am so hard on myself but there’s GOT to be more than the life I live. There’s got to be more than the monotony that I feel like I’m stuck in. I know that life with Jesus is exciting. I have tasted it. I have lived it, so what’s the deal with this feeling of complacency. There are few things that I know for sure but among them are that Jesus is the messiah, God is Holy, Just, True and Kind. God loves his creation and among that creation I find myself, undeservingly in the midst of God’s love. I should be seeking with more fervency but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to put forth the effort so I wind up doing the same things I’ve always done. Jesus is all I need, so why do I turn to everything else? God, why is it so hard to focus! I’m caught between what I do and what I want to do. The latter isn’t satisfying but the drive to do the other is minimal. When did my passion for you become so stale? I want to breathe you. I want to feel your whispers on my neck. I want to burn with desire for you, God. I want it to be a fire in my bones. Yea, let me grow weary of holding it in! It’s as if conforming to complacency would be easier. And how easy it would be to do. How easy it would be to stop fighting the current and float downstream with everyone else. I don’t want to float downstream. I want to fight the current. Part of me wants to give up resistance, but the other part of me wants so badly to fight. Holy Spirit give me your strength. Teach me to follow you with passion and adoration. Help my attention to be on you. Help me to keep my eyes on nothing but the goal. Help me to throw off anything that hinders.
* * *
…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28
…Let it be so in me, Father
I want to be closer to Jesus and I want to be more like God, but where did I get to be so stagnant feeling. People tell me that I am so hard on myself but there’s GOT to be more than the life I live. There’s got to be more than the monotony that I feel like I’m stuck in. I know that life with Jesus is exciting. I have tasted it. I have lived it, so what’s the deal with this feeling of complacency. There are few things that I know for sure but among them are that Jesus is the messiah, God is Holy, Just, True and Kind. God loves his creation and among that creation I find myself, undeservingly in the midst of God’s love. I should be seeking with more fervency but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to put forth the effort so I wind up doing the same things I’ve always done. Jesus is all I need, so why do I turn to everything else? God, why is it so hard to focus! I’m caught between what I do and what I want to do. The latter isn’t satisfying but the drive to do the other is minimal. When did my passion for you become so stale? I want to breathe you. I want to feel your whispers on my neck. I want to burn with desire for you, God. I want it to be a fire in my bones. Yea, let me grow weary of holding it in! It’s as if conforming to complacency would be easier. And how easy it would be to do. How easy it would be to stop fighting the current and float downstream with everyone else. I don’t want to float downstream. I want to fight the current. Part of me wants to give up resistance, but the other part of me wants so badly to fight. Holy Spirit give me your strength. Teach me to follow you with passion and adoration. Help my attention to be on you. Help me to keep my eyes on nothing but the goal. Help me to throw off anything that hinders.
* * *
…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28
…Let it be so in me, Father
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