Tonight was my last official girl's house meeting. For the past two and a half years I have lived in community with some other Jesus seeking women from my church. There have been up to nine of us sharing a house, working at the same job, doing the same ministries and attending the same church. For me, this season has come to a close. Tonight's meeting was extra special. We sat around our kitchen table and shared a meal and then proceeded to have our meeting. We have a format that we follow for the meetings, and every week it includes a slot of time for "feedback". It's a time where we, as a family, share with an elected person all of the wonderful things we see in them. Tonight was my turn.
As I enter into a new season of life, and as I move forward in where God is calling me, I am overwhelmed with the things he has done. As I told my roommates, this has been the hardest year of my life, yet it has also been the best. I'm sure that the years to come will grow increasingly harder, yet at the same time memorable. There is such a richness to be experienced in enduring trials and pressing into the Lord.
We've shared tears, and resentments, fears, heartaches. Our stone hearts have become pliable in our maker's hands and our insecurities have been eased, and in some cases completely dissolved by being put in situations that call for transparency and authenticity. I am no exception. God, in all of his providence, chose this past year to expel many of my own fears. He exposed my deepest wounds, even when it meant re-opening them, and poured out his healing balm of acceptance, love, patience, kindness, and truth, all within the context of an imperfect community. We serve a gracious and abundantly loving God.
Tomorrow is my last day of work, and in a week I will call a new building my home. Over the next year there will be new trials to overcome and if God is gracious to allow it, I will draw ever closer to him.
I look forward to all that awaits.
***
As my eyes remained fixed on my Lord
The waters that were once ankle-deep began to rise
I found myself waist deep and full of fear
But as the waters rose, He swam with me
And what of the water's depths?
They became unknown...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Looking Back
On Wednesday mornings there is a core staff meeting at Yaks. We wake up at about 5:00am and then go and open the shop for the day, then at 6:00 we all meet in the board room and go over tech stuff and take time to pray for our customers, and the relationships we are building with people. This past Wednesday we were finished very early so we took some time and each person shared what they are most thankful for, and what they hope God does in them over the next year. I began to think of all of the things that God has done, and I couldn't hold back the tears in thinking of his faithfulness.
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.
All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.
All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Otherness
That's what we're all about
We're not trying to look like, or be like anyone else
Just Jesus
And it makes us look like aliens. Forgieners in a distant land
We stick out, and humbly so. Why?
Because the way we love is so unusual
Our words bring tears of laughter, tears of solace
Our music and Dance are fueled by a different drummer
And a better one at that
And the fruit? It's a different song, a different value system
Not pushing the edge of sin and Hell
Not okay with "status quo"
A place where benificial and permissible are clearly understood
AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS THE BOUNDRY LINE!!
We would much rather lunge out, to the kingdoms cutting edge... which is Heaven's arms
Sitting on his lap is fine with me. His heartbeat rhythmically puts me at rest.
Not apathetic slumber that leads to poverty
But DEEP LOVE that thrusts us to Nineva
For Macedonians are still calling
Ethiopians are still asking for someone to help them to understand
And how do we know this?
Because we look into a different pair of eyes
Not just the window to his soul, but a magnifying glass of theirs
LOOK AGAIN
His tears aren't clear, they don't taste like salt
They're colorful banners of the nations
And they taste like the blood that was shed for them
A tear trickles down, and I see Sri Lanka
Another hangs in the corner of his eye and deep inside that tear I see a Sudanese lady worshipping over the family that just abandoned her
Here comes three more
CANADA, FRANCE, MEXICO
And as he wipes his eyes I see the colors of
MOROCCO, RUSSIA, SCOTLAND, and CHINA on the palms of his hands
And where do those tears go?
They're stored in a bottle.
Not just a bottle, but "the" bottle
The one that has held the cried of the saints of Germany, the one that has heard the deep secrets of Thailand's orphans, America's addicts, and Indonesia's widows
The groans from North Korea's underground church, and South Korea's Prayer mountain
All in the bottle
And they're waiting for you, Waiting for me, to open our hands so he can pour them out
And why would he trust us with such treasures
Because he calls us family, he trusts us
Because we've seen the otherness of God and we long for more
For if you, God, were the same as the rest you wouldn't be Holy
My unholiness CRAVES your Holiness. Your cleansing
YOU
And in the process we become "other" ourselves,
And the importance of that?
So many stories are being told. Vying for my affections, my passion my heart
But I refuse to be caught up in the midst of small stories that seem brilliant at the moment but soon become faded glory
I desire to be taken up into your story and your great plot for me and Mankind
So I LEAP into the chariot of fire and I ask for HUMILITY and COURAGE to leave it ALL behind
NO MATTER THE COST
Because Lord, you deserve it, and they need it. Because I love you, and they need you
And the Spirit and the Bride are still crying out
"COME LORD JESUS"
And you will...
You always do
www.worldmandate.com
We're not trying to look like, or be like anyone else
Just Jesus
And it makes us look like aliens. Forgieners in a distant land
We stick out, and humbly so. Why?
Because the way we love is so unusual
Our words bring tears of laughter, tears of solace
Our music and Dance are fueled by a different drummer
And a better one at that
And the fruit? It's a different song, a different value system
Not pushing the edge of sin and Hell
Not okay with "status quo"
A place where benificial and permissible are clearly understood
AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS THE BOUNDRY LINE!!
We would much rather lunge out, to the kingdoms cutting edge... which is Heaven's arms
Sitting on his lap is fine with me. His heartbeat rhythmically puts me at rest.
Not apathetic slumber that leads to poverty
But DEEP LOVE that thrusts us to Nineva
For Macedonians are still calling
Ethiopians are still asking for someone to help them to understand
And how do we know this?
Because we look into a different pair of eyes
Not just the window to his soul, but a magnifying glass of theirs
LOOK AGAIN
His tears aren't clear, they don't taste like salt
They're colorful banners of the nations
And they taste like the blood that was shed for them
A tear trickles down, and I see Sri Lanka
Another hangs in the corner of his eye and deep inside that tear I see a Sudanese lady worshipping over the family that just abandoned her
Here comes three more
CANADA, FRANCE, MEXICO
And as he wipes his eyes I see the colors of
MOROCCO, RUSSIA, SCOTLAND, and CHINA on the palms of his hands
And where do those tears go?
They're stored in a bottle.
Not just a bottle, but "the" bottle
The one that has held the cried of the saints of Germany, the one that has heard the deep secrets of Thailand's orphans, America's addicts, and Indonesia's widows
The groans from North Korea's underground church, and South Korea's Prayer mountain
All in the bottle
And they're waiting for you, Waiting for me, to open our hands so he can pour them out
And why would he trust us with such treasures
Because he calls us family, he trusts us
Because we've seen the otherness of God and we long for more
For if you, God, were the same as the rest you wouldn't be Holy
My unholiness CRAVES your Holiness. Your cleansing
YOU
And in the process we become "other" ourselves,
And the importance of that?
So many stories are being told. Vying for my affections, my passion my heart
But I refuse to be caught up in the midst of small stories that seem brilliant at the moment but soon become faded glory
I desire to be taken up into your story and your great plot for me and Mankind
So I LEAP into the chariot of fire and I ask for HUMILITY and COURAGE to leave it ALL behind
NO MATTER THE COST
Because Lord, you deserve it, and they need it. Because I love you, and they need you
And the Spirit and the Bride are still crying out
"COME LORD JESUS"
And you will...
You always do
www.worldmandate.com
Monday, December 10, 2007
Always
I will love you, no matter what you choose.
I will love you, no matter who you become.
I will love you, no matter what you say about me.
I will love you always.
But it's sad to see you walk away...
I will love you, no matter who you become.
I will love you, no matter what you say about me.
I will love you always.
But it's sad to see you walk away...
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The Rich Man
I've been reading a book lately called "The Irresistible Revolution" By a guy named Shawn Claiborne. I won't go into the details of the book, but I'm about halfway through and would recommend reading it. In one of the chapters the author recounts the story of the rich young ruler and the interactions that he had with Jesus of Nazareth. It's something that I've been pondering for a couple weeks. Many of you probably know the story, so I'm sure you recall that during this dialogue the young ruler asks what he must do to be saved. (check it out in Matt. 19, Mark 10 and Luke 18) Jesus' reply goes something like "sell everything and give it to the poor and your treasures will be in heaven," then Jesus gives this wealthy young man an invitation: " After you have done that, come and follow me"
Now, for some this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. "Follow me." If I remember correctly there were some fishermen who received the same invitation and they straight up dropped their nets and never looked back... These fishermen had nothing, and I would venture to guess that they knew it. So what was the response of the rich young ruler who had it all, except eternal life?
Eugene Peterson puts it this way in his translation, The Message: "The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go." (Mark 10:22) The chapter continues on with a Jesus telling his disciples that it is very difficult for the rich to get to heaven. But there's one more thing that I find interesting. If you read the passage, you'll notice that Jesus didn't run after the rich young man. He didn't chase him down and say, "Well, I was just kidding about that sell everything bit. If you just sell half you'll be fine." and he also didn't say anything like, "Write out a check for 10% of your monthly income and I'll put in a good word with the Big Guy."
Jesus lets the Rich man walk away... And he does.
Hard words to swallow for those of us (yes, myself included) who would rather spend our time, money, energy, relationships (etc. etc.) how we want. The more I think about it, though, the more It makes sense. Jesus wants all of me. Jesus doesn't just want my Sundays. He doesn't just want a check. Jesus doesn't just want me to not do bad things...
JESUS WANTS ME. Me, in all of my sin, shame, imperfection, brokenness, and pride. He wants my every waking, sleeping and breathing moment. Jesus wants an admiring daughter, a faithful bride, and a devoted lover. He wants Me. He wants You. Everyone!! And in all of his longing to call us his own, he will still let us make the decision.
"Yes," said Jesus, "and you won't regret it... (Luke 18:29 The Message)
Now, for some this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. "Follow me." If I remember correctly there were some fishermen who received the same invitation and they straight up dropped their nets and never looked back... These fishermen had nothing, and I would venture to guess that they knew it. So what was the response of the rich young ruler who had it all, except eternal life?
Eugene Peterson puts it this way in his translation, The Message: "The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go." (Mark 10:22) The chapter continues on with a Jesus telling his disciples that it is very difficult for the rich to get to heaven. But there's one more thing that I find interesting. If you read the passage, you'll notice that Jesus didn't run after the rich young man. He didn't chase him down and say, "Well, I was just kidding about that sell everything bit. If you just sell half you'll be fine." and he also didn't say anything like, "Write out a check for 10% of your monthly income and I'll put in a good word with the Big Guy."
Jesus lets the Rich man walk away... And he does.
Hard words to swallow for those of us (yes, myself included) who would rather spend our time, money, energy, relationships (etc. etc.) how we want. The more I think about it, though, the more It makes sense. Jesus wants all of me. Jesus doesn't just want my Sundays. He doesn't just want a check. Jesus doesn't just want me to not do bad things...
JESUS WANTS ME. Me, in all of my sin, shame, imperfection, brokenness, and pride. He wants my every waking, sleeping and breathing moment. Jesus wants an admiring daughter, a faithful bride, and a devoted lover. He wants Me. He wants You. Everyone!! And in all of his longing to call us his own, he will still let us make the decision.
"Yes," said Jesus, "and you won't regret it... (Luke 18:29 The Message)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Thanks And Everlasting Love
I got the opportunity this past week to go visit some friends in Santa Cruz for Thanksgiving. It was my first Thanksgiving away from my biological family. Instead I got to spend it with a different kind of family! Nearly a year ago some folks from our church moved to Santa Cruz to start another community of believers. It's amazing how their community has grown. The first day was spent at the park with the kids and at the house with everyone, and there was a little trip into town to get fixin's for Maple cake and sweet potato souffle. Thanksgiving was a blast, with over 20 people all together, from all over the world! It was like Thanksgiving with the nations!! Before dinner we all shared what we were thankful for and it was truly moving to hear thanks pouring from so many people's hearts, and to think of all I have to be thankful for. I found myself choking back tears. It was an amazing blessing to be there.
Friday the blessings continued. A church from San Mateo came up to the Ranch to have a leadership retreat, and they invited a guy by the name of Randy Knutson. He's the church planting overseer for the Vineyards in that area. It was so refreshing to be in the midst of so many people who are doing the stuff. The questions randy posed to us spurred me on to think about what the next season in my life will look like. Questions like: what do I believe Jesus taught? What do I believe that means to me? What do I believe Jesus wants me to do with the things that he taught me? What does praxis look like? I know, so now what do I do?
I don't necessarily feel the need to have it all figured out at once, but I do know that Jesus said to go.
Before the Friday night session was over Randy showed one of the last scenes of the movie Schindler's List. In the scene Schindler, a businessman in Nazi Germany who has bought 1,100 Jews to keep them from being killed in concentrations camps, comes out of his factory to leave. As he sees all of these Jewish men and women standing before him, he looks at his car and questions himself. "why did I keep this car? I could have saved ten more with this car!" as he breaks into tears he speculates of his wedding band " I could have saved two with this ring. At least one, I could have saved one. Why did I keep this ring?" Schindler's strength leaves him as he is overcome with grief in realizing that he could have done more. He nearly falls to his knees before his friends catch him, and walk him to his car to send him away.
What a beautifully moving display of the Father's heart for his children...
What a convicting display of what Christ desires my heart to he for his lost sheep.
Lord, Jesus, Give me a shepherd's heart for your family...
Friday the blessings continued. A church from San Mateo came up to the Ranch to have a leadership retreat, and they invited a guy by the name of Randy Knutson. He's the church planting overseer for the Vineyards in that area. It was so refreshing to be in the midst of so many people who are doing the stuff. The questions randy posed to us spurred me on to think about what the next season in my life will look like. Questions like: what do I believe Jesus taught? What do I believe that means to me? What do I believe Jesus wants me to do with the things that he taught me? What does praxis look like? I know, so now what do I do?
I don't necessarily feel the need to have it all figured out at once, but I do know that Jesus said to go.
Before the Friday night session was over Randy showed one of the last scenes of the movie Schindler's List. In the scene Schindler, a businessman in Nazi Germany who has bought 1,100 Jews to keep them from being killed in concentrations camps, comes out of his factory to leave. As he sees all of these Jewish men and women standing before him, he looks at his car and questions himself. "why did I keep this car? I could have saved ten more with this car!" as he breaks into tears he speculates of his wedding band " I could have saved two with this ring. At least one, I could have saved one. Why did I keep this ring?" Schindler's strength leaves him as he is overcome with grief in realizing that he could have done more. He nearly falls to his knees before his friends catch him, and walk him to his car to send him away.
What a beautifully moving display of the Father's heart for his children...
What a convicting display of what Christ desires my heart to he for his lost sheep.
Lord, Jesus, Give me a shepherd's heart for your family...
Thursday, November 8, 2007
It's Inevitable...
You will fail...
But there's hope...
becuase even Peter failed...
And he was still used as the foundation of the Church...
But there's hope...
becuase even Peter failed...
And he was still used as the foundation of the Church...
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Holiness...
It probably looks different than we think. Not so much a list of rules to follow, but an external expression of internal change. This post from our friends at the Buffalo, NY Vineyard explain a little better the things that were on my heart last night, after reading C.S. Lewis' words on goodness. Steve is much more intelligent and articulate than myself. Here's the quote again:
"Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good." -C.S. Lewis "The Great Divorce"
Click here to read more
"Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good." -C.S. Lewis "The Great Divorce"
Click here to read more
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Thoughts To Ponder... Courtesy of Mr. Lewis
"Good, as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good." -C.S. Lewis "The Great Divorce"
If this is true, then why am I so afraid to be the one who swims upstream? I think that you and I would both agree that we want to fit in. I think that the vast majority of people seek an existence that conforms to the culture and society around them, despite their desire, or lack thereof, to take on the belief systems of that culture and society. There are few people who desire nonconformity, and fewer still who actually seek it out. But as Henry David Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet despiration."
I live in despiration!! We all do. Despiration for what? Freedom from the strangling fetters of rules and values you don't actually agree with? Freedom from fear? Despiration for confidence in your God given gifts and abilities? Despiration for something more than the seemingly meaningless monotony that life had become?
Break free, Beloved... Jesus was never afraid to be an outcast. Break free or surely your spirit will die.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
If this is true, then why am I so afraid to be the one who swims upstream? I think that you and I would both agree that we want to fit in. I think that the vast majority of people seek an existence that conforms to the culture and society around them, despite their desire, or lack thereof, to take on the belief systems of that culture and society. There are few people who desire nonconformity, and fewer still who actually seek it out. But as Henry David Thoreau said, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet despiration."
I live in despiration!! We all do. Despiration for what? Freedom from the strangling fetters of rules and values you don't actually agree with? Freedom from fear? Despiration for confidence in your God given gifts and abilities? Despiration for something more than the seemingly meaningless monotony that life had become?
Break free, Beloved... Jesus was never afraid to be an outcast. Break free or surely your spirit will die.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A Story...
Once upon a time there was a girl who had a sword. She took her sword to the swordsmith to get it sharpened one day. The Smith gave her the price and she went on her merry way. Soon thereafter she began to experience excruciating pain on her left side. She thought to herself, "there is no way" and continued on, but the pain did not cease. In fact, the pain got worse, and not only was it now on her right side, but her whole body. She rushed back to the Swordsmith and as she threw open the door, breathing heavily with pain, she yelled for the to the Smith to stop. He stopped his work, and immediatly the pain ceased, confirming her susspicions. She told the smith that he needn't sharpen the blade any more and went on her way home, the blade hanging gently at her side. Some time later there was a battle that required the girl's skill and cunning, but she found that her blade was dull and weak. Although it survived the battle, it did not fair well. Yet again, there came another battle, and this time the girl's sword did not survive. She escaped, but only after nearly losing her life. She knew that despite the certain pain, she must take her sword to the Swordsmith. As she entered his shop, apparently ashamed of her recent battle loss, She caught his knowing eye, and instantly she knew his compassion and love for her. "Will it hurt badly?" she asked. In his kind manner, The Swordsmith replied "Not as badly as if there are no reapirs at all. But don't be afraid, I'll be with you for all of it. And then, even your losses in battle will be victories."
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I ran across this quote. read it a few times and let it sink in...
“A walloping great congregation is fine and fun, but what most communities really need is a couple of saints. The tragedy is that they may well be there in embryo, waiting to be discovered, waiting for sound training, waiting to be emancipated from the cult of the mediocre.” -Martin Thornton
Maybe it's you....
“A walloping great congregation is fine and fun, but what most communities really need is a couple of saints. The tragedy is that they may well be there in embryo, waiting to be discovered, waiting for sound training, waiting to be emancipated from the cult of the mediocre.” -Martin Thornton
Maybe it's you....
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Seasons Change. He Is Still The Same
It was a typical Wednesday night. We all came together and shared a meal, followed by songs of adoration for our King! It was wonderful. After a time of prayer, Kyle asked everyone to share how long they had attended the college group and what God had done in them during that time. It was beautiful. We had everyone, from founding group members, to first timers. We all shared. It was amazing the things that God has done! He has begun to raise up leaders. He has brought us closer to himself. He has released gifts of prayer and worship, and has driven us to learn how to disciple one another and live in community. Oh, the amazing things that God has done!! He is so good!!
It was bittersweet, and yet perfectly timed. What an amazing opportunity we have now, to go out and live out this Jesus thing, drawing people along the way, and all the time being sharpened. What a great lesson it has been, learning that at the end of the day, God is still God. What a humbling thing it has been to have heartaches and struggles on the table and see that through it we are loved. He is SO abundantly good!!
And now, Lord, give us the grace to follow you in this new season. Give us the humility to rely on you, and give us the strength to keep our focus on you, at any cost.
It was bittersweet, and yet perfectly timed. What an amazing opportunity we have now, to go out and live out this Jesus thing, drawing people along the way, and all the time being sharpened. What a great lesson it has been, learning that at the end of the day, God is still God. What a humbling thing it has been to have heartaches and struggles on the table and see that through it we are loved. He is SO abundantly good!!
And now, Lord, give us the grace to follow you in this new season. Give us the humility to rely on you, and give us the strength to keep our focus on you, at any cost.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Remember...
I was talking with a Roommate this evening. In our conversation I shared some of my past experiences and how those experiences have reassured me of Christ's providence over my life. As I was talking I was oversome with the strangest feeling. It was suddenly as if I was tlaking about an entirely different person, as though the experiences weren't mine after all, and were, in fact, memories from the life of someone very distant from myself.
Now, At first I was slightly disturbed. I felt as if I was condoning, and making light of, some of the experiences that I had before my life was apprihended by the Holy Spirit's call. After a bit of contemplation, I realized that that was not it at all. Rather, I truly am a new creation and the old has been replaced with something new.
It reminded me of something:
"...Be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live... (deut. 4:9)"
Then, as foolish as it seems, the scene from the movie "The Lion King" comes into view. I see Mufasa's face in the clouds telling Simba, "You have forgotten me. You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me... Remember... Remember..."
The ego wishes to hide those things that seem as though they may blemish us, but the heart cries out for us to remember where we have come from, and in our rememberance of continual provision, and protection, we have the strength to move on. In knowing how far we have come, we find strength to continue on the journey.
Now, At first I was slightly disturbed. I felt as if I was condoning, and making light of, some of the experiences that I had before my life was apprihended by the Holy Spirit's call. After a bit of contemplation, I realized that that was not it at all. Rather, I truly am a new creation and the old has been replaced with something new.
It reminded me of something:
"...Be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live... (deut. 4:9)"
Then, as foolish as it seems, the scene from the movie "The Lion King" comes into view. I see Mufasa's face in the clouds telling Simba, "You have forgotten me. You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me... Remember... Remember..."
The ego wishes to hide those things that seem as though they may blemish us, but the heart cries out for us to remember where we have come from, and in our rememberance of continual provision, and protection, we have the strength to move on. In knowing how far we have come, we find strength to continue on the journey.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Resistance Is Futile!!!
It's useless to be angry
It's pointless to try and run
It's counterproductive to blame
It's unfulfilling to remain impenetrable
The white flag has been waved
make me healed and whole
It's pointless to try and run
It's counterproductive to blame
It's unfulfilling to remain impenetrable
The white flag has been waved
make me healed and whole
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Easier Said...
Why is it so much easier to be hardened and bitter than it is to be humble and vulnerable?
There are so many things that I don't understand...
But maybe it's because I'm more familiar with not understanding...
...and understanding requires change...
Oh, ignorant one, when will you trade your anger for sorrow?
When will you allow your hardened heart to become fertile ground?
When will you give up this needless and futile battle?
When will fall before your king, and admit your foolishness?
Only then will it be possible to be truly reconciled to the one who knew your form before the dawn of time.
How long until you let your father embrace you...
There are so many things that I don't understand...
But maybe it's because I'm more familiar with not understanding...
...and understanding requires change...
Oh, ignorant one, when will you trade your anger for sorrow?
When will you allow your hardened heart to become fertile ground?
When will you give up this needless and futile battle?
When will fall before your king, and admit your foolishness?
Only then will it be possible to be truly reconciled to the one who knew your form before the dawn of time.
How long until you let your father embrace you...
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tilling the Fallow Ground
The three of them sat there.
I couldn't see them clearly through all of the tears
The three of them sat there
and I cried
and they prayed...
It didn't hurt like I expected,
but the most unexpected of all?
I felt loved
I felt loved
I couldn't see them clearly through all of the tears
The three of them sat there
and I cried
and they prayed...
It didn't hurt like I expected,
but the most unexpected of all?
I felt loved
I felt loved
For The Love of God Will You Please Mess Up??
I've just been given a formal invitation to "screw it all up". This isn't a joke, or some sarcastic invitation made out of anger or frustration. It is an honest, sincere invitation... no... encouragement, to mess up.
A difficult task for someone whose fatal flaw is perfectionism and fear of failure... Literally fatal.
A difficult task for someone whose fatal flaw is perfectionism and fear of failure... Literally fatal.
Friday, August 17, 2007
I Have To Believe...
I have to believe, God, that you are who you claim to be. I have to believe that the book that you breathed into life through the guidence of the holy spirit, is just that. Your breathe of life. Father, I have to believe that you are bigger than anything that is in me, and that you truly desire for me to know your love. I have to believe that you want me to hear you call me daughter. I have to believe that you are right beside me, however painfully unaware I am. I have to believe that you are the same God now as you were in the garden, when you exiled your beloved ones. You had mercy on them. I have to believe that you are the same God for me that you were for David. He failed over and over again, but you ran to him at the outpouring of his heart, even in taking another man's wife. I have to believe that you are the same God now as you were when you told Abraham to take his son't life and give it to you, and still the same God that held back Abraham's hand when Issac was only moments from certain death. Despite my doubt, I have to believe that you are the same God who walked the earth and for a short time made yourself known as Messiah. You healed, you rebuked, you cast out evil, and you loved. I have to believe that you are the same God who brought his son to earth to pay my price. Truly, the same God who died there on the cross for me. I have to believe this and so much more, because if I don't than I am believing a lie. If I don't believe that your Word is truth, than I cannot believe that you are bigger than me. Indeed I can't believe that you are big enough to see me through anything, if you are a god who lies. I believe that you are an honest God, and that you would not lead your children astray. I have to believe that you are who you say you are, because if you are not, then all hope is lost. God, please forgive me for asking, but please come and make it known to me that you are the same God for me as you were for David, Abraham, Issac and the twelve. Make yourself evident to me.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
messy...
My cardboard box isn't holding up so well.
Someone point me in the direction of the nearest roll of duct tape... and quickly
Someone point me in the direction of the nearest roll of duct tape... and quickly
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Ignorance is bliss
There are times that I wish I could go back to being completly clueless, instead of just mostly clueless. The only problem is, the less clueless I become, the more clueless I realize I am!! This can't be a good thing, but at the same time, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that this is bad. What to do? I'm not sure, but maybe today I'll attempt to embrace cluelessness.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
...But I Should Let You See More
Consider this selective transparency, revisited. As previously mentioned, I recognize in myself the tendancy to be very non-disclosing about some things. Now, please don't hear me say that this is a bad thing. THis is actually a good thing, when approached in a healthy manner. There are things that some people don't need to know, but for myself, it has taken me to a point of disfunction. I believe that for myself (not the "for myself" part) not disclosing certain things with people who I should trust has created a whole other list of tendancies and disfunctions that I'm sure you really don't care to know. The long and the short of it is that I need to be more transparent... and that scares me.
You see, being open with people and letting them see you for who you really are puts you at risk. At least, I believe that it puts me at risk. Again, these percieved risks, when compiled together, make a long list of things not really worth sharing, for the sake of space, but they feel real, just the same. There is something, though, that is pulling me to give more. There is something in me that is longing to tell you. I just want to tell you what I really think, and what I really believe and what I really feel!! There is something in me that wants to strip off the attempts at seeming perfect, and try on the more comfortable, but much less flattering, "real" me.
I imagine it being something like a cardboard box full of jello. after a while the cardboard gets soggy and the jello spills out all over the kitchen table. I guess Jello was never meant to be stored in cardboard in the first place.
If I have to be jello, I want to be the green kind.
You see, being open with people and letting them see you for who you really are puts you at risk. At least, I believe that it puts me at risk. Again, these percieved risks, when compiled together, make a long list of things not really worth sharing, for the sake of space, but they feel real, just the same. There is something, though, that is pulling me to give more. There is something in me that is longing to tell you. I just want to tell you what I really think, and what I really believe and what I really feel!! There is something in me that wants to strip off the attempts at seeming perfect, and try on the more comfortable, but much less flattering, "real" me.
I imagine it being something like a cardboard box full of jello. after a while the cardboard gets soggy and the jello spills out all over the kitchen table. I guess Jello was never meant to be stored in cardboard in the first place.
If I have to be jello, I want to be the green kind.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
You only see what I want you to...
Selective transparency. It's my best kept secret. It's the weapon that keeps me safe and guards me against all of the people out there. It keeps everyone at a distance, while all the time making them think that they are on the inner circle. It's the "Great Wall" I have built around my heart to keep out intruders and terrorists who would come and destroy at the first opportunity. With my selective transparency I can justify anything. I can make it appear that I am doing well and that the pressures of life havn't gotten to me. If I need to, I can make it seem like I'm struggling a little. Only enough to curb suspicion though. I continue to build my "Great Wall" and very few people question me. I continue to only give enough information to appease those who need it and in the process have become so ignorant to the fact that my wall isn't so great and that it's crumbling under the weight of denial and ignorance. I believed I could keep everyone out and keep myself safe, but all I've done is trap myself in. I've taught myself to live in fear that someone will blast my wall to pieces, or find a way to climb over it. Rather than frantically try to mend the broken areas and strengthen the weak ones, I think I'll just sit back and watch. Besides I'm sick of being trapped behind this stupid wall!! I feel so exposed with this wall coming down all around me. So, come and see all there is to see as the wall crumbles and I am exposed to the world for who I truly am.
Lord, save me from my enemies. The worst of which is myself.
Lord, save me from my enemies. The worst of which is myself.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Issues
"I am the model of perfection and even if I did anything less than perfect I wouldn't let you know."
This has unwittingly been my motto for as long as I can remember... Why did it take 23 years to see it? So I fess up. I have issues. As tempting as it is to list them all, I'll spare anyone who may take the time to read this, but know this: I see how deeply affected I am, and how deeply rooted they are, and how desperatly, and hungrily, and tirelessly I need to seek Jesus. I may not believe the promises of the bible in my heart but I know them to be true in my head. Does that mean that it's time to listen the the head instead of the heart, for a little while? I don't think I've ever tried that before. Maybe I'll try that.... I'll let you know how it goes.
This has unwittingly been my motto for as long as I can remember... Why did it take 23 years to see it? So I fess up. I have issues. As tempting as it is to list them all, I'll spare anyone who may take the time to read this, but know this: I see how deeply affected I am, and how deeply rooted they are, and how desperatly, and hungrily, and tirelessly I need to seek Jesus. I may not believe the promises of the bible in my heart but I know them to be true in my head. Does that mean that it's time to listen the the head instead of the heart, for a little while? I don't think I've ever tried that before. Maybe I'll try that.... I'll let you know how it goes.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Journal excerpt
It's really been a while huh? There are usually so many things going on in my brain that I can’t just stop and think of just one. Here's what was on my mind today:
I want to be closer to Jesus and I want to be more like God, but where did I get to be so stagnant feeling. People tell me that I am so hard on myself but there’s GOT to be more than the life I live. There’s got to be more than the monotony that I feel like I’m stuck in. I know that life with Jesus is exciting. I have tasted it. I have lived it, so what’s the deal with this feeling of complacency. There are few things that I know for sure but among them are that Jesus is the messiah, God is Holy, Just, True and Kind. God loves his creation and among that creation I find myself, undeservingly in the midst of God’s love. I should be seeking with more fervency but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to put forth the effort so I wind up doing the same things I’ve always done. Jesus is all I need, so why do I turn to everything else? God, why is it so hard to focus! I’m caught between what I do and what I want to do. The latter isn’t satisfying but the drive to do the other is minimal. When did my passion for you become so stale? I want to breathe you. I want to feel your whispers on my neck. I want to burn with desire for you, God. I want it to be a fire in my bones. Yea, let me grow weary of holding it in! It’s as if conforming to complacency would be easier. And how easy it would be to do. How easy it would be to stop fighting the current and float downstream with everyone else. I don’t want to float downstream. I want to fight the current. Part of me wants to give up resistance, but the other part of me wants so badly to fight. Holy Spirit give me your strength. Teach me to follow you with passion and adoration. Help my attention to be on you. Help me to keep my eyes on nothing but the goal. Help me to throw off anything that hinders.
* * *
…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28
…Let it be so in me, Father
I want to be closer to Jesus and I want to be more like God, but where did I get to be so stagnant feeling. People tell me that I am so hard on myself but there’s GOT to be more than the life I live. There’s got to be more than the monotony that I feel like I’m stuck in. I know that life with Jesus is exciting. I have tasted it. I have lived it, so what’s the deal with this feeling of complacency. There are few things that I know for sure but among them are that Jesus is the messiah, God is Holy, Just, True and Kind. God loves his creation and among that creation I find myself, undeservingly in the midst of God’s love. I should be seeking with more fervency but I don’t really want to. I don’t want to put forth the effort so I wind up doing the same things I’ve always done. Jesus is all I need, so why do I turn to everything else? God, why is it so hard to focus! I’m caught between what I do and what I want to do. The latter isn’t satisfying but the drive to do the other is minimal. When did my passion for you become so stale? I want to breathe you. I want to feel your whispers on my neck. I want to burn with desire for you, God. I want it to be a fire in my bones. Yea, let me grow weary of holding it in! It’s as if conforming to complacency would be easier. And how easy it would be to do. How easy it would be to stop fighting the current and float downstream with everyone else. I don’t want to float downstream. I want to fight the current. Part of me wants to give up resistance, but the other part of me wants so badly to fight. Holy Spirit give me your strength. Teach me to follow you with passion and adoration. Help my attention to be on you. Help me to keep my eyes on nothing but the goal. Help me to throw off anything that hinders.
* * *
…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28
…Let it be so in me, Father
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday Monday
Dou you ever get to a place where you finally think you're getting somewhere? For example, you've been trying and trying to get better at... oh, let's use cooking... so, you're trying to improve at cooking and you finally think you're getting somewhere and then you burn Thanksgiving dinner beyond repair and you see once again how far you really have to go. No, I'm not learning to cook, but it seems like over and over again life presents opportunities to show you har far you really have to go. I know that this might sound discouraging and pessimistic, but bear with me a few moments longer. There is a point! I guess the other half of the story that begs telling is that I'm not just refering to life alone, but what my life has been like with Jesus the past three years. Praise the Lord he uses such mundane things to keep me humble and knowing that I've really gotten nowhere. Rather than frustration I need to practice a new mantra: "Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." It's almost funny how the truth can be so simple. May this be the cry of my heart.
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