Tonight was my last official girl's house meeting. For the past two and a half years I have lived in community with some other Jesus seeking women from my church. There have been up to nine of us sharing a house, working at the same job, doing the same ministries and attending the same church. For me, this season has come to a close. Tonight's meeting was extra special. We sat around our kitchen table and shared a meal and then proceeded to have our meeting. We have a format that we follow for the meetings, and every week it includes a slot of time for "feedback". It's a time where we, as a family, share with an elected person all of the wonderful things we see in them. Tonight was my turn.
As I enter into a new season of life, and as I move forward in where God is calling me, I am overwhelmed with the things he has done. As I told my roommates, this has been the hardest year of my life, yet it has also been the best. I'm sure that the years to come will grow increasingly harder, yet at the same time memorable. There is such a richness to be experienced in enduring trials and pressing into the Lord.
We've shared tears, and resentments, fears, heartaches. Our stone hearts have become pliable in our maker's hands and our insecurities have been eased, and in some cases completely dissolved by being put in situations that call for transparency and authenticity. I am no exception. God, in all of his providence, chose this past year to expel many of my own fears. He exposed my deepest wounds, even when it meant re-opening them, and poured out his healing balm of acceptance, love, patience, kindness, and truth, all within the context of an imperfect community. We serve a gracious and abundantly loving God.
Tomorrow is my last day of work, and in a week I will call a new building my home. Over the next year there will be new trials to overcome and if God is gracious to allow it, I will draw ever closer to him.
I look forward to all that awaits.
***
As my eyes remained fixed on my Lord
The waters that were once ankle-deep began to rise
I found myself waist deep and full of fear
But as the waters rose, He swam with me
And what of the water's depths?
They became unknown...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Looking Back
On Wednesday mornings there is a core staff meeting at Yaks. We wake up at about 5:00am and then go and open the shop for the day, then at 6:00 we all meet in the board room and go over tech stuff and take time to pray for our customers, and the relationships we are building with people. This past Wednesday we were finished very early so we took some time and each person shared what they are most thankful for, and what they hope God does in them over the next year. I began to think of all of the things that God has done, and I couldn't hold back the tears in thinking of his faithfulness.
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.
All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.
All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Otherness
That's what we're all about
We're not trying to look like, or be like anyone else
Just Jesus
And it makes us look like aliens. Forgieners in a distant land
We stick out, and humbly so. Why?
Because the way we love is so unusual
Our words bring tears of laughter, tears of solace
Our music and Dance are fueled by a different drummer
And a better one at that
And the fruit? It's a different song, a different value system
Not pushing the edge of sin and Hell
Not okay with "status quo"
A place where benificial and permissible are clearly understood
AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS THE BOUNDRY LINE!!
We would much rather lunge out, to the kingdoms cutting edge... which is Heaven's arms
Sitting on his lap is fine with me. His heartbeat rhythmically puts me at rest.
Not apathetic slumber that leads to poverty
But DEEP LOVE that thrusts us to Nineva
For Macedonians are still calling
Ethiopians are still asking for someone to help them to understand
And how do we know this?
Because we look into a different pair of eyes
Not just the window to his soul, but a magnifying glass of theirs
LOOK AGAIN
His tears aren't clear, they don't taste like salt
They're colorful banners of the nations
And they taste like the blood that was shed for them
A tear trickles down, and I see Sri Lanka
Another hangs in the corner of his eye and deep inside that tear I see a Sudanese lady worshipping over the family that just abandoned her
Here comes three more
CANADA, FRANCE, MEXICO
And as he wipes his eyes I see the colors of
MOROCCO, RUSSIA, SCOTLAND, and CHINA on the palms of his hands
And where do those tears go?
They're stored in a bottle.
Not just a bottle, but "the" bottle
The one that has held the cried of the saints of Germany, the one that has heard the deep secrets of Thailand's orphans, America's addicts, and Indonesia's widows
The groans from North Korea's underground church, and South Korea's Prayer mountain
All in the bottle
And they're waiting for you, Waiting for me, to open our hands so he can pour them out
And why would he trust us with such treasures
Because he calls us family, he trusts us
Because we've seen the otherness of God and we long for more
For if you, God, were the same as the rest you wouldn't be Holy
My unholiness CRAVES your Holiness. Your cleansing
YOU
And in the process we become "other" ourselves,
And the importance of that?
So many stories are being told. Vying for my affections, my passion my heart
But I refuse to be caught up in the midst of small stories that seem brilliant at the moment but soon become faded glory
I desire to be taken up into your story and your great plot for me and Mankind
So I LEAP into the chariot of fire and I ask for HUMILITY and COURAGE to leave it ALL behind
NO MATTER THE COST
Because Lord, you deserve it, and they need it. Because I love you, and they need you
And the Spirit and the Bride are still crying out
"COME LORD JESUS"
And you will...
You always do
www.worldmandate.com
We're not trying to look like, or be like anyone else
Just Jesus
And it makes us look like aliens. Forgieners in a distant land
We stick out, and humbly so. Why?
Because the way we love is so unusual
Our words bring tears of laughter, tears of solace
Our music and Dance are fueled by a different drummer
And a better one at that
And the fruit? It's a different song, a different value system
Not pushing the edge of sin and Hell
Not okay with "status quo"
A place where benificial and permissible are clearly understood
AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS THE BOUNDRY LINE!!
We would much rather lunge out, to the kingdoms cutting edge... which is Heaven's arms
Sitting on his lap is fine with me. His heartbeat rhythmically puts me at rest.
Not apathetic slumber that leads to poverty
But DEEP LOVE that thrusts us to Nineva
For Macedonians are still calling
Ethiopians are still asking for someone to help them to understand
And how do we know this?
Because we look into a different pair of eyes
Not just the window to his soul, but a magnifying glass of theirs
LOOK AGAIN
His tears aren't clear, they don't taste like salt
They're colorful banners of the nations
And they taste like the blood that was shed for them
A tear trickles down, and I see Sri Lanka
Another hangs in the corner of his eye and deep inside that tear I see a Sudanese lady worshipping over the family that just abandoned her
Here comes three more
CANADA, FRANCE, MEXICO
And as he wipes his eyes I see the colors of
MOROCCO, RUSSIA, SCOTLAND, and CHINA on the palms of his hands
And where do those tears go?
They're stored in a bottle.
Not just a bottle, but "the" bottle
The one that has held the cried of the saints of Germany, the one that has heard the deep secrets of Thailand's orphans, America's addicts, and Indonesia's widows
The groans from North Korea's underground church, and South Korea's Prayer mountain
All in the bottle
And they're waiting for you, Waiting for me, to open our hands so he can pour them out
And why would he trust us with such treasures
Because he calls us family, he trusts us
Because we've seen the otherness of God and we long for more
For if you, God, were the same as the rest you wouldn't be Holy
My unholiness CRAVES your Holiness. Your cleansing
YOU
And in the process we become "other" ourselves,
And the importance of that?
So many stories are being told. Vying for my affections, my passion my heart
But I refuse to be caught up in the midst of small stories that seem brilliant at the moment but soon become faded glory
I desire to be taken up into your story and your great plot for me and Mankind
So I LEAP into the chariot of fire and I ask for HUMILITY and COURAGE to leave it ALL behind
NO MATTER THE COST
Because Lord, you deserve it, and they need it. Because I love you, and they need you
And the Spirit and the Bride are still crying out
"COME LORD JESUS"
And you will...
You always do
www.worldmandate.com
Monday, December 10, 2007
Always
I will love you, no matter what you choose.
I will love you, no matter who you become.
I will love you, no matter what you say about me.
I will love you always.
But it's sad to see you walk away...
I will love you, no matter who you become.
I will love you, no matter what you say about me.
I will love you always.
But it's sad to see you walk away...
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The Rich Man
I've been reading a book lately called "The Irresistible Revolution" By a guy named Shawn Claiborne. I won't go into the details of the book, but I'm about halfway through and would recommend reading it. In one of the chapters the author recounts the story of the rich young ruler and the interactions that he had with Jesus of Nazareth. It's something that I've been pondering for a couple weeks. Many of you probably know the story, so I'm sure you recall that during this dialogue the young ruler asks what he must do to be saved. (check it out in Matt. 19, Mark 10 and Luke 18) Jesus' reply goes something like "sell everything and give it to the poor and your treasures will be in heaven," then Jesus gives this wealthy young man an invitation: " After you have done that, come and follow me"
Now, for some this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. "Follow me." If I remember correctly there were some fishermen who received the same invitation and they straight up dropped their nets and never looked back... These fishermen had nothing, and I would venture to guess that they knew it. So what was the response of the rich young ruler who had it all, except eternal life?
Eugene Peterson puts it this way in his translation, The Message: "The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go." (Mark 10:22) The chapter continues on with a Jesus telling his disciples that it is very difficult for the rich to get to heaven. But there's one more thing that I find interesting. If you read the passage, you'll notice that Jesus didn't run after the rich young man. He didn't chase him down and say, "Well, I was just kidding about that sell everything bit. If you just sell half you'll be fine." and he also didn't say anything like, "Write out a check for 10% of your monthly income and I'll put in a good word with the Big Guy."
Jesus lets the Rich man walk away... And he does.
Hard words to swallow for those of us (yes, myself included) who would rather spend our time, money, energy, relationships (etc. etc.) how we want. The more I think about it, though, the more It makes sense. Jesus wants all of me. Jesus doesn't just want my Sundays. He doesn't just want a check. Jesus doesn't just want me to not do bad things...
JESUS WANTS ME. Me, in all of my sin, shame, imperfection, brokenness, and pride. He wants my every waking, sleeping and breathing moment. Jesus wants an admiring daughter, a faithful bride, and a devoted lover. He wants Me. He wants You. Everyone!! And in all of his longing to call us his own, he will still let us make the decision.
"Yes," said Jesus, "and you won't regret it... (Luke 18:29 The Message)
Now, for some this would have been the opportunity of a lifetime. "Follow me." If I remember correctly there were some fishermen who received the same invitation and they straight up dropped their nets and never looked back... These fishermen had nothing, and I would venture to guess that they knew it. So what was the response of the rich young ruler who had it all, except eternal life?
Eugene Peterson puts it this way in his translation, The Message: "The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go." (Mark 10:22) The chapter continues on with a Jesus telling his disciples that it is very difficult for the rich to get to heaven. But there's one more thing that I find interesting. If you read the passage, you'll notice that Jesus didn't run after the rich young man. He didn't chase him down and say, "Well, I was just kidding about that sell everything bit. If you just sell half you'll be fine." and he also didn't say anything like, "Write out a check for 10% of your monthly income and I'll put in a good word with the Big Guy."
Jesus lets the Rich man walk away... And he does.
Hard words to swallow for those of us (yes, myself included) who would rather spend our time, money, energy, relationships (etc. etc.) how we want. The more I think about it, though, the more It makes sense. Jesus wants all of me. Jesus doesn't just want my Sundays. He doesn't just want a check. Jesus doesn't just want me to not do bad things...
JESUS WANTS ME. Me, in all of my sin, shame, imperfection, brokenness, and pride. He wants my every waking, sleeping and breathing moment. Jesus wants an admiring daughter, a faithful bride, and a devoted lover. He wants Me. He wants You. Everyone!! And in all of his longing to call us his own, he will still let us make the decision.
"Yes," said Jesus, "and you won't regret it... (Luke 18:29 The Message)
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