It's been about a year since I started blogging regularly. Not that this blog has become anything profound that hundreds and thousands of people read... It's not creating a movement... In fact, it might not really make an impact at all. I'm ok with that though. That's not what it was intended for anyway
I was reading a post from last July. God really has done a lot in me. Sometimes I barely recognize myself... yet at the same time, I am more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been. He is so gracious to free us from strongholds and oppressions, if we'll just relinquish control and let him fix us. There's a part in The Shack where the main character, Mack, is talking to God and God says something like "it's hard to save someone who won't let you save them." It's really a wonderful story. I can't believe that I spent so much of my life trying to figure it out on my own. I still have a hard time being completely dependent on God... But I want to depend on him, and that's a years worth of God working in me that won't go wasted. He's so caring.
This time last year I was a broken, scared little girl... like a hurt dog that cowers in a corner, ready to bite the first hand that comes close enough... Even a helpful one. I had barricaded my heart in this little numb shell and God, in his mercy and love for me, decided to chip away my calloused exterior. It was severely painful at first. I felt so naked. It was as if everyone could see who I really was for the first time, and I knew it wasn't pretty. He really has done quite a work and I know it's not over. I get to spend the rest of my life hand in hand with a King who loves me more that there are words for. Who wouldn't want to do that!!
It's been such a full year! I can't imagine that life would get any more fulfilling!! The more God and I talk about this though, I get the impression that this is only the beginning. The next three years is Yaks and school and then from there, who knows. I don't have any idea what it'll look like, but I do know that it will be exciting! God has given me a wide open door to love my school. So few people have opportunities like this! I truly am blessed.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough room inside of me to contain the excitement and emotion of it all. I have no idea what God will do, or what it will look like. I guess I never really know how wonderful it will be until I look backwards. I do know one thing though: I am finally beginning to understand freedom.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
A Hill To Die On
...And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another just as he has commanded us. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. 1 John 3:23
Oh Great God, that your love would live in me. Not just in spoken words but in sincere action.
For what injustice can look true love square in the face and not eventually be compelled to change?
I will never speak with eloquent words, or powerful charisma, but if you'll help me to love I'll gladly spend my life learning how.
Oh Great God, that your love would live in me. Not just in spoken words but in sincere action.
For what injustice can look true love square in the face and not eventually be compelled to change?
I will never speak with eloquent words, or powerful charisma, but if you'll help me to love I'll gladly spend my life learning how.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Run of the Mill
Well, it looks as if it is official!! We break ground on Yaks #3 Monday, and I can finally breathe... for a little while at least.
There's been something about the mounting anticipation that has gotten to me. I've worked myself up (unnecessarily, might I add) and we are finally here. Although, I am not completely sure where here is... Somewhere between uncertainty and completion??
Right now it looks like we'll be open sometime mid August. That means we have 1 month to gut the place and make it look nice. I'm so excited to have some artistic input. I've missed doing stuff like that. As far as details go, you'll just have to come and see us when we open... and don't worry, you'll know.
On a different note, I got to spend some time in Santa Cruz with the awesome folks at Antioch Church. That's the church plant that The Vineyard sent out in Jan 2007. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We hung out downtown on Friday after we arrived and went to the Saturn Cafe. It's a vegetarian diner!! Think 50's style diner gone veggie. SO GOOD!! After that we ran around to what seemed like every tattoo shop in the Santa Cruz area. That in itself was an experience. Saturday we hung out at the park market selling Sean's secret (amazing and butt-kickin') Salsa and home roasted coffee. It was such a neat opportunity to hang out with S.C. locals. Most of them are so truly lost. It's hearbreaking. I also met some folks that have a church in the S.C. area called New Earth Tribe. They are a group of Jesus lovers who minister to people in a new age context. They were awesome!! It seems like the Holy Spirit is doing wonderful things through them. It's always exciting to see new approaches to ministry and this is one I'd never seen before. Saturday was spent in downtown and Sunday was church and Alana's birthday BBQ. Sean let me lead worship on Sunday. It was such an honor that he would let me step into that role in his church. To top it all off, I was totally blessed by what Sean had to say. He echoed and affirmed things that had been stirring in my heart... the long and the short: God's heart beats for people. The uncreated creator desires to be near to His creation.
Monday we went horseback riding and then went to the boardwalk and Tuesday we went home!!
There were some things about Santa Cruz that were hard. There is an evident spiritual oppression there. It's hard to be there for a weekend... I can't imagine being called there. But God spoke to me and reminded me of some good things that I needed to hear.
1. I'm really not capable in my own strength to accomplish much of anything. That's why He lets me help out with the stuff He's doing. I'm notorious for grabbing my independence and running with it. I need to work on that some more or I'm gonna have a mondo humble pie flying straight for my face.
2. God LOVES people. All People!! Rich, poor, destitute, smelly, socially inept, mentally impaired, chemically imbalanced, seemingly pristine, mean, cocky, attention hungry... You name it... He LOVES them... A LOT
3. I'm not used to being dependent. I'm not good at relying on people. I would rather do something on my own than ask or inconvenience someone. I like being independent and capable and unless I learn to eat my independence, I'm gonna go down. That wouldn't be pretty, either
4. 3 years is enough to focus on. I don't have to have my whole life figured out just yet.
I'm sure there will be plenty more thoughts to come in the next few weeks... that is, assuming there's a few minutes to spare here and there. I think 4 is enough for now, anyway.
There's been something about the mounting anticipation that has gotten to me. I've worked myself up (unnecessarily, might I add) and we are finally here. Although, I am not completely sure where here is... Somewhere between uncertainty and completion??
Right now it looks like we'll be open sometime mid August. That means we have 1 month to gut the place and make it look nice. I'm so excited to have some artistic input. I've missed doing stuff like that. As far as details go, you'll just have to come and see us when we open... and don't worry, you'll know.
On a different note, I got to spend some time in Santa Cruz with the awesome folks at Antioch Church. That's the church plant that The Vineyard sent out in Jan 2007. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We hung out downtown on Friday after we arrived and went to the Saturn Cafe. It's a vegetarian diner!! Think 50's style diner gone veggie. SO GOOD!! After that we ran around to what seemed like every tattoo shop in the Santa Cruz area. That in itself was an experience. Saturday we hung out at the park market selling Sean's secret (amazing and butt-kickin') Salsa and home roasted coffee. It was such a neat opportunity to hang out with S.C. locals. Most of them are so truly lost. It's hearbreaking. I also met some folks that have a church in the S.C. area called New Earth Tribe. They are a group of Jesus lovers who minister to people in a new age context. They were awesome!! It seems like the Holy Spirit is doing wonderful things through them. It's always exciting to see new approaches to ministry and this is one I'd never seen before. Saturday was spent in downtown and Sunday was church and Alana's birthday BBQ. Sean let me lead worship on Sunday. It was such an honor that he would let me step into that role in his church. To top it all off, I was totally blessed by what Sean had to say. He echoed and affirmed things that had been stirring in my heart... the long and the short: God's heart beats for people. The uncreated creator desires to be near to His creation.
Monday we went horseback riding and then went to the boardwalk and Tuesday we went home!!
There were some things about Santa Cruz that were hard. There is an evident spiritual oppression there. It's hard to be there for a weekend... I can't imagine being called there. But God spoke to me and reminded me of some good things that I needed to hear.
1. I'm really not capable in my own strength to accomplish much of anything. That's why He lets me help out with the stuff He's doing. I'm notorious for grabbing my independence and running with it. I need to work on that some more or I'm gonna have a mondo humble pie flying straight for my face.
2. God LOVES people. All People!! Rich, poor, destitute, smelly, socially inept, mentally impaired, chemically imbalanced, seemingly pristine, mean, cocky, attention hungry... You name it... He LOVES them... A LOT
3. I'm not used to being dependent. I'm not good at relying on people. I would rather do something on my own than ask or inconvenience someone. I like being independent and capable and unless I learn to eat my independence, I'm gonna go down. That wouldn't be pretty, either
4. 3 years is enough to focus on. I don't have to have my whole life figured out just yet.
I'm sure there will be plenty more thoughts to come in the next few weeks... that is, assuming there's a few minutes to spare here and there. I think 4 is enough for now, anyway.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Fears Of My Doubting Heart
It's late. Actually it's almost bedtime so hopefully I can make this short. I've had a little vortex of thoughts swirling around in my head this week.
We're still waiting on the coffee shop to go through. South street is on the verge of being open and then It's going to Simpson's Yaks consuming my life. We've been on hold for a couple weeks and as time gets shorter, I have realized that I'm growing more and more anxious.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but that's the only way I can think of to describe the tight feeling I get in my chest every time I let my mind go into detail mode. It's as if I can feel my blood pressure rising within me. The tight chest and rising blood pressure has also been accompanied by a lot of thinking... and a tinge of fear.
Maybe I'm realizing that this is going to be more difficult than I have had it idealized in my head, or maybe I realized how absolutely insane it is to think that I'm hard-core enough to go to school full time and manage a coffee shop... can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest straight jacket and padded room??
I didn't really think about it until last week. Something happened at my small group and it hit me: "people see me as a leader." It was the kind of situation that made me want to look behind me to see who they were really talking about when they were looking in my direction. As that realization began to settle in my grey matter I began to remember some of the things that God spoke to me before I started school. He shared with me that he would eventually bring me into a season where my passion for Him would be offensive, even to those who followed him, and that there would be people who would really not like me. He also has been reminding me that I cannot contextualize the truth to make it easy to swallow. I am called to speak the truth boldly.
I wonder if this is the beginning of that season.
I'm a little scared. Not so much that there will be people who are offended by me, but afraid of how I will respond. I'm so afraid that when it comes down to it, I'll speak only what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
The opportunity to be Jesus to this campus is fulfillment of God's promises and it is bigger than anything I can see. It's a piece of bringing the eternal kingdom to earth and it's evidence of God's faithfulness and love for His children... and I get to be part of it.
It's so humbling to think that the Lord and King of all creation would take the time to let me partner with him. In myself there's nothing worthy of His kingdom. Nothing I could put my hands to would be successful without the power of the living, breathing uncreated God. His plans are perfect. His plans rise above my attempts, my desires and even my fears.
That's straight truth, right there.
If you think about it, pray that God would reveal himself to the student body here. Pray that His glory would be revealed and that his presence would manifest on this campus. Pray that Yaks would give The Holy Spirit an opportunity to penetrate hardened hearts and mend broken ones. Pray that we would be used to reveal His glory and adoration and that Jesus' life would be evermore lived in us incarnationally.
As all of this moves forward I am left with a few words that press on my heart. They compel me to ignore fear and move forward with Jesus as my guide:
"This gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come" Matthew 24:14
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I've commanded you. And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age."
Matthew 28:17-20
Let it be so...
We're still waiting on the coffee shop to go through. South street is on the verge of being open and then It's going to Simpson's Yaks consuming my life. We've been on hold for a couple weeks and as time gets shorter, I have realized that I'm growing more and more anxious.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but that's the only way I can think of to describe the tight feeling I get in my chest every time I let my mind go into detail mode. It's as if I can feel my blood pressure rising within me. The tight chest and rising blood pressure has also been accompanied by a lot of thinking... and a tinge of fear.
Maybe I'm realizing that this is going to be more difficult than I have had it idealized in my head, or maybe I realized how absolutely insane it is to think that I'm hard-core enough to go to school full time and manage a coffee shop... can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest straight jacket and padded room??
I didn't really think about it until last week. Something happened at my small group and it hit me: "people see me as a leader." It was the kind of situation that made me want to look behind me to see who they were really talking about when they were looking in my direction. As that realization began to settle in my grey matter I began to remember some of the things that God spoke to me before I started school. He shared with me that he would eventually bring me into a season where my passion for Him would be offensive, even to those who followed him, and that there would be people who would really not like me. He also has been reminding me that I cannot contextualize the truth to make it easy to swallow. I am called to speak the truth boldly.
I wonder if this is the beginning of that season.
I'm a little scared. Not so much that there will be people who are offended by me, but afraid of how I will respond. I'm so afraid that when it comes down to it, I'll speak only what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
The opportunity to be Jesus to this campus is fulfillment of God's promises and it is bigger than anything I can see. It's a piece of bringing the eternal kingdom to earth and it's evidence of God's faithfulness and love for His children... and I get to be part of it.
It's so humbling to think that the Lord and King of all creation would take the time to let me partner with him. In myself there's nothing worthy of His kingdom. Nothing I could put my hands to would be successful without the power of the living, breathing uncreated God. His plans are perfect. His plans rise above my attempts, my desires and even my fears.
That's straight truth, right there.
If you think about it, pray that God would reveal himself to the student body here. Pray that His glory would be revealed and that his presence would manifest on this campus. Pray that Yaks would give The Holy Spirit an opportunity to penetrate hardened hearts and mend broken ones. Pray that we would be used to reveal His glory and adoration and that Jesus' life would be evermore lived in us incarnationally.
As all of this moves forward I am left with a few words that press on my heart. They compel me to ignore fear and move forward with Jesus as my guide:
"This gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come" Matthew 24:14
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I've commanded you. And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age."
Matthew 28:17-20
Let it be so...
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