Christmastime

It's nearly Christmas.
There are lights on many houses in my neighborhood
Last night there was snow
A Christmas tree graces the window of our house, and there are cookies everywhere.
It's nearly Christmas... and my friends are losing their baby boy.

He's made his last trip to the hospital, and their family is waiting. They have been battling the cancer for as long as I can remember and this winter the fight will be over.
There is hope mingled with the sadness though. This wonderful couple knows the home their son will be going to and they know that they will meet again, but it doesn't change the fact that this will be the last Christmas with their little one... If he makes it that long.
Please pray for this precious family, and don't forget to cherish every moment and every person this holiday season. We'll never get those moments back.

Current Events

Well, once again the fate of a semester well spent is sealed. I think I did well (fingers crossed at least)
The semester seems like It's been a productive one... But the real productivity, that has no direct influence on my intellectual development that is, is that I've accomplished more in the past three days than ever expected.
sometimes I impress myself!!

1. MOVING!! I even packed everything up instead of trying to carry random objects, one by one, to my new humble abode... My off campus abode, might I add... Off campus, with a hot tub, 2 cute kids, and a few people that I really love. I'm excited.
2. BOOKS!!! Not just any books, but brainless fiction that required little effort! Don't laugh at me, but I started the twilight series and I've already finished the first two books. I'm really enjoying myself. I thought I'd be able to stretch them out over winter break, but if I can get my hand on the last two I'll be done by week's end. Now I just need to decide what other books I'm bringing with Tennessee. Options: Blue Like Jazz, Eugene Peterson, Chronicles of Narnia... The list could go on forever... Suggestions, however, are welcome
3. BEER AND WINE!! This sounds so ridiculous, I know, but I've been waiting for over a year! I thought it'd be longer, so I was fine waiting, and then Simpson's policies changed a bit... and that change was in my favor. Last night natalie went to The Downtown Eatery and shared Chicken Tikkah and Beer Battered sunchokes and She got the house merlot I think and I had a valley of the moon syrah... SO Good. Not to mention the sierra nevada celebration ale currently sitting in the bottom right drawer of the fridge. It's so hearty that we have to share one instead of drinking our own.
4. MOMMA!!!! This one is most exciting!! I get to see my mom day after tomorrow.... Well, I guess it's tomorrow now... Christmas in Tennessee... That'll be a new experience. I'm excited.

I guess that's the basic rundown of life at the present moment... devoid of many details, of course.
God is doing something deeper below the surface... It doesn't have a name yet and I'm alright with that. I'm going to World Mandate too. If that doesn't knock my sicks off I don't know what will.
Anyway, I'm rambling now... It's late.... I stayed up reading.
Time to get snuggly!!

Finals

One week, and counting, before the chaos ends.
I'm glad it only happens twice a year.

Here's to sanity!! Maybe after college I'll learn to dance like these folks...

M.I.A.

I just lost the paper I've been working on for the past two and half hours. Luckily I printed it out, but it's MIA on the computer.
Oh, the joys of the week before finals.

At least I have "a friend in Jesus" and an entertaining musical rendition to remind me.

SO FUNNY!!!

Creation Restored

I was wondering today what the restoration of creation will be like. This is where pondering led me:

On the day that creation is restored, the grass, the birds, the rivers and oceans, the rocks and the mountains and every tiny bug, every animal from big to small, will shout.
All will cry out "Jesus is Lord!"
And every heart, of every human made in God's glorious image will shout along with all of creation in the most perfect and beautiful harmony any ear has ever heard.
"Jesus is Lord!!"
Only then , when all attention is on The King of Kings, and all hearts declare that "Jesus is the only true Lord" will creation be made right.
We will see her in her fullness of beauty. Shimmering under the deep deep love of the husband who affectionately made her, and all will be made right in the world.

Life and The Words of Mother Teresa

Well the elections are over and my anger over petty political trash talking has subsided... Just wait another four years... I'll be just as fired up, I'm sure.
The semester is coming to a close (quickly, might I add!) and the final push of papers and projects is about to hit. Thank God for Thanksgiving vacation.
In other news, I'm going to see my mom for Christmas! 2 weeks in Tennessee!! WOO!! Maybe I'll go down to Nashville and get discovered!

And now for something more serious: I'm reading Mother Teresa.
I'm on Page 39 and I can barely read through 5 pages without wanting to cry. She was truly amazing. The most amazing thing is, though, that everything was done so simply. Her entire ministry, her life, the impact she made, all of it came from a single personal vow to never withhold anything from God. She made this vow, under pain of mortal sin, to never let a moment pass when she didn't give God everything.

There's been a recurring theme over the past couple weeks, of being faithful in the small things, and reading Mother Teresa's personal writings is only solidifying that. She says,

"To the good God nothing is little because He is so great and we so small - that is why He stoops down and takes the trouble to make those little things for us - to give us a chance to prove our love for Him. Because He makes them, they are very great... Don't look for big things, just do small things with great love... The smaller the thing, the greater must be our love."

I could sit with that little paragraph for a while. I don't think I'll be finishing this book any time soon.

Re-Freaking-diculous!!!

Disclaimer: This is a rant... Nothing more...

So, I realized a few days ago that the election is coming up and I had done NOTHING to prepare myself to make an educated vote on anything... Not a smart move.
So I decided to take some time out of my weekend and brush up on the issues and learn a little bit more about the presidential candidates. It's nice to know what I'll be voting on when Tuesday rolls around, but I'm SO FRUSTRATED!!! Today's time, checking out the candidates had affirmed one thing in me.
I HATE POLITICS!!!

All I read is, "vote for me because I'll do this and so-and-so will only do that," or "I'm a better candidate because I care about your needs and so-and-so says he does, but he really doesn't."

The one that takes the cake: One argument claimed that the the person it represented was a better candidate because the opposing candidate voted with his party 97% of the time..." I might be completely ignorant, but this seems like the most ridiculous argument ever...

Why can't we stop trash-talking each other and just get along!!? I don't think Jesus would care which party you are affiliated with... Presidential election year is no excuse to be a jerk...

I'm totally an advocate for voting. go vote, but BE NICE ABOUT IT!!

Why My Day Was Wonderful : An Ode to Little Joys

I woke up this morning feeling icky. But it was a wonderful day, and here are 10 reasons why:

1. I got to hear two great sermons preached by two awesome men of God. Robin and Dave shared with our class and it reminded me of God's deep deep love for his kids. He's a good Papa who keeps his promises. I cried.
2. I got to eat breakfast! Not everyone does...
3. We're reading The Forgotten Ways in Spiritual Formation in the church. I love the church and I love reading about what people think is happening in the church today.
4. Today was tuesday class lunch with Spiritual Formation and Dr. Griffin. I love Tuesday class lunch!!
5. Natalie is getting a letter in the mail tomorrow
6. on my way back to my room I saw a cute grey squirrel with a super bushy tail. He ran 10 feet to the nearest tree, bolted up it and then flopped down on a wide branch and took a nap. It was so funny!!
7. Before I started work, Natalie, Krystal and I shared a cheese quesedilla and an ice cream sandwich! Then, Kim came to visit.
8. Someone gave me a Scottish 50 pence for my foreign coin box!!!! It's not round!! It's SO COOL!!!
9. I get to go on the women's retreat and the former un-excitement had been replaced with super excitement!!
10. While I was walking home, an airplane that was flying was leaving a white trail and it flew right under the moon. From where I was it looked like it had flown through the moon. I was so amused!! It looked cool.

Now I get to enjoy some rest and doit all over again tomorrow!! I can't wait to see what silly little things are in store!! In store is, work, class, chapel and dinner with the one and only, Megan Ovens!! I can't wait!!!

New

It's been a month.
A very full month.
I finally unpacked and cleaned my room a week and a half ago, and slowly life is leveling out to something more manageable and surprisingly, enjoyable.
So enjoyable, in fact, that I feel like I'm in uncharted waters and that just around the corner lies a revelation of some deep healing or refining work that God wants to do.
As much as I love this place I'm slightly uncomfortable.
I've grown used to hard times of pressing through. I've grown familiar with having my eyes opened, over and over again, to the wretchedness that lies in the depths of my heart.
I've seen my brokenness and experienced the healing touch of a father who desires to forever set me free...
He has set me free from so much.
And now things are enjoyable. Exhilarating even!!
and I feel like I have to learn all over again how to live.
For the first time God is saying things to me like "Whatever you want to do" and "Either way, I know you'll choose well"
We laugh.
I choose,
And he is pleased.
Freedom seemed to cost me so much, but I look back and see that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Passenger

I just don't get it. I don't understand how a God who has the entire universe under his thumb could let me (or you) participate in what he's doing. None of the analogies we have are good enough to describe what it's like.
We've been open for 2 weeks today and already he is moving in unexpected ways. "His grace is sufficient" is taking on new meaning as I find myself in a position that I am completely unqualified for and really not that good at.
I was praying this morning on my way home from a 6am meeting and I was asking God if this is really what he wanted me to be doing. I felt so encouraged. He said that I could stop if I really wanted to but that he'd prepared me for this time. I also felt like he said it was going to succeed. How could you not follow God and give him everything with such encouragement as that!!
Making this place succeed is not anything I can do. It's all going to have to be Him.
On another note: It is absolutely breathtaking in here, and there is such a peace. It's almost tangible. I stole the pic from a friend's blog (thanks, by the way!!)
He really knows what he's doing and despite difficulty, I think it'll all work out in the end.
Classes started this week too. I'm so blessed to be going to school. This year is going to be a wild ride... I'm so glad I'm just a passenger.

He Beckons

In the midst of moving I've lost my bible. It sure is a hell of a time to lose something so redolent with life and encouragement. Life has been pretty calm since January... Up until 3 weeks ago, that is. I can't wait for everyone to come back to school and see it. Hopefully we'll be ready to open shop as scheduled (August 18th if you were wondering)
I can't quite figure out what God's going to do in this next season. Right now I just want to cry. It's kinda comical, actually. I Have been surprisingly emotionless the past three weeks, but tonight I began to get a little weepy. I came home and I felt absolutely spent. It's a little overwhelming being partially responsible for opening a business, let alone opening it in a month.. that's right... one month.
If nothing else, there are a few things I am beginning to see, both in God and in myself. I am constantly being reminded of how He is the one who made all of this happen. It's a complete miracle that we were even asked to take over the coffee shop in the first place! God is reminding me of things that he spoke to me and things that I prayed for years ago. I would venture to say that he is beginning to bring some of those things to fruition. AMEN!!
He's also showing me some of my junk (as usual) I'm a little overwhelmed and I haven't been the nicest person this week. I think in celebration of my crappy attitude I was given a slice of humble pie... I also have this little habit of muscling through difficulties without even thinking about asking God for strength. DUMB!! Don't do it... It's stupid and not nearly as productive. But he's a good Papa and he's always waiting for me to grab hold of his hand again, no matter how undeserving I am.
I can see how everything in my life, especially events over the past 5 years, has led up to this season. He is so gracious to give us the desires of our hearts if we first choose to give ourselves completely to Him. I am completely humbled by the amazing saviour we serve and even more humbled by my incompetence. Yet, He adores me.
If you're in the area, come see the shop. If you live in Redding, I'm sure we can find college students for you to feed. If you really want to win them over, tell them to bring their laundry too.
Really what I think it comes down to is this: "But God demonstrates his love for us by the fact that the Messiah died for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:8) What choice does that leave us?

Ramblings...

It's coming along beautifully. The walls are painted and we've figured out a way to give them an artistic look while still being able to display art. It's going to be beautiful and I'm so excited... but today I was tired.
I looked at the list of things that have to be done yesterday and suddenly my chest got tight. I was slightly short of breath and had a passing thought that sounded something like "what in world did I get myself into?" I'm sure it won't be the last time I think that. I had to step back from it all so I picked up my guitar and played a song...
...Then a book on my desk caught my eye. Tozer on the Holy Spirit. It's a one year devotional... a really great read. I hadn't picked it up since May and felt like I needed to see what today's tid-bit was. I flipped the pages open to August 4th and the title was "Energy From Indwelling Power" The caption in the upper left was Romans 8:11. It reads: "He that raised Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his spirit that dwelleth in you."
As Tozer wrote: "To live in the Spirit is to receive the...life of the Holy spirit in our physical being and to find in Him the source of constant stimulus and strength for... our mind and all the functions of our body."

I wonder: what would my life look like if I really let his joy be my strength. What does that even look like? Maybe I get it and don't realize it... Then again... Probably not. I remember in a women's bible study we did a few years ago we talked about finding sabbath rest in Jesus Christ. I wonder if God is bringing me into a season of finding sabbath rest in him, everyday... That would be wonderful.
Mostly it's just speculation at this point... I'm sure it's all connected to something else though. Something bigger than you and I can see or imagine this side of heaven. What an honor it is to be allowed to opportunity to participate. We aren't just fans... We're on the team!! (thanks for the great analogy P.M.)

Free Indeed : A Year in Retrospect

It's been about a year since I started blogging regularly. Not that this blog has become anything profound that hundreds and thousands of people read... It's not creating a movement... In fact, it might not really make an impact at all. I'm ok with that though. That's not what it was intended for anyway
I was reading a post from last July. God really has done a lot in me. Sometimes I barely recognize myself... yet at the same time, I am more comfortable in my skin than I've ever been. He is so gracious to free us from strongholds and oppressions, if we'll just relinquish control and let him fix us. There's a part in The Shack where the main character, Mack, is talking to God and God says something like "it's hard to save someone who won't let you save them." It's really a wonderful story. I can't believe that I spent so much of my life trying to figure it out on my own. I still have a hard time being completely dependent on God... But I want to depend on him, and that's a years worth of God working in me that won't go wasted. He's so caring.
This time last year I was a broken, scared little girl... like a hurt dog that cowers in a corner, ready to bite the first hand that comes close enough... Even a helpful one. I had barricaded my heart in this little numb shell and God, in his mercy and love for me, decided to chip away my calloused exterior. It was severely painful at first. I felt so naked. It was as if everyone could see who I really was for the first time, and I knew it wasn't pretty. He really has done quite a work and I know it's not over. I get to spend the rest of my life hand in hand with a King who loves me more that there are words for. Who wouldn't want to do that!!
It's been such a full year! I can't imagine that life would get any more fulfilling!! The more God and I talk about this though, I get the impression that this is only the beginning. The next three years is Yaks and school and then from there, who knows. I don't have any idea what it'll look like, but I do know that it will be exciting! God has given me a wide open door to love my school. So few people have opportunities like this! I truly am blessed.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough room inside of me to contain the excitement and emotion of it all. I have no idea what God will do, or what it will look like. I guess I never really know how wonderful it will be until I look backwards. I do know one thing though: I am finally beginning to understand freedom.

A Hill To Die On

...And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another just as he has commanded us. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us. 1 John 3:23

Oh Great God, that your love would live in me. Not just in spoken words but in sincere action.
For what injustice can look true love square in the face and not eventually be compelled to change?
I will never speak with eloquent words, or powerful charisma, but if you'll help me to love I'll gladly spend my life learning how.

Run of the Mill

Well, it looks as if it is official!! We break ground on Yaks #3 Monday, and I can finally breathe... for a little while at least.
There's been something about the mounting anticipation that has gotten to me. I've worked myself up (unnecessarily, might I add) and we are finally here. Although, I am not completely sure where here is... Somewhere between uncertainty and completion??
Right now it looks like we'll be open sometime mid August. That means we have 1 month to gut the place and make it look nice. I'm so excited to have some artistic input. I've missed doing stuff like that. As far as details go, you'll just have to come and see us when we open... and don't worry, you'll know.
On a different note, I got to spend some time in Santa Cruz with the awesome folks at Antioch Church. That's the church plant that The Vineyard sent out in Jan 2007. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone. We hung out downtown on Friday after we arrived and went to the Saturn Cafe. It's a vegetarian diner!! Think 50's style diner gone veggie. SO GOOD!! After that we ran around to what seemed like every tattoo shop in the Santa Cruz area. That in itself was an experience. Saturday we hung out at the park market selling Sean's secret (amazing and butt-kickin') Salsa and home roasted coffee. It was such a neat opportunity to hang out with S.C. locals. Most of them are so truly lost. It's hearbreaking. I also met some folks that have a church in the S.C. area called New Earth Tribe. They are a group of Jesus lovers who minister to people in a new age context. They were awesome!! It seems like the Holy Spirit is doing wonderful things through them. It's always exciting to see new approaches to ministry and this is one I'd never seen before. Saturday was spent in downtown and Sunday was church and Alana's birthday BBQ. Sean let me lead worship on Sunday. It was such an honor that he would let me step into that role in his church. To top it all off, I was totally blessed by what Sean had to say. He echoed and affirmed things that had been stirring in my heart... the long and the short: God's heart beats for people. The uncreated creator desires to be near to His creation.
Monday we went horseback riding and then went to the boardwalk and Tuesday we went home!!
There were some things about Santa Cruz that were hard. There is an evident spiritual oppression there. It's hard to be there for a weekend... I can't imagine being called there. But God spoke to me and reminded me of some good things that I needed to hear.
1. I'm really not capable in my own strength to accomplish much of anything. That's why He lets me help out with the stuff He's doing. I'm notorious for grabbing my independence and running with it. I need to work on that some more or I'm gonna have a mondo humble pie flying straight for my face.
2. God LOVES people. All People!! Rich, poor, destitute, smelly, socially inept, mentally impaired, chemically imbalanced, seemingly pristine, mean, cocky, attention hungry... You name it... He LOVES them... A LOT
3. I'm not used to being dependent. I'm not good at relying on people. I would rather do something on my own than ask or inconvenience someone. I like being independent and capable and unless I learn to eat my independence, I'm gonna go down. That wouldn't be pretty, either
4. 3 years is enough to focus on. I don't have to have my whole life figured out just yet.

I'm sure there will be plenty more thoughts to come in the next few weeks... that is, assuming there's a few minutes to spare here and there. I think 4 is enough for now, anyway.

The Fears Of My Doubting Heart

It's late. Actually it's almost bedtime so hopefully I can make this short. I've had a little vortex of thoughts swirling around in my head this week.
We're still waiting on the coffee shop to go through. South street is on the verge of being open and then It's going to Simpson's Yaks consuming my life. We've been on hold for a couple weeks and as time gets shorter, I have realized that I'm growing more and more anxious.
I don't usually suffer from anxiety, but that's the only way I can think of to describe the tight feeling I get in my chest every time I let my mind go into detail mode. It's as if I can feel my blood pressure rising within me. The tight chest and rising blood pressure has also been accompanied by a lot of thinking... and a tinge of fear.
Maybe I'm realizing that this is going to be more difficult than I have had it idealized in my head, or maybe I realized how absolutely insane it is to think that I'm hard-core enough to go to school full time and manage a coffee shop... can anyone point me in the direction of the nearest straight jacket and padded room??
I didn't really think about it until last week. Something happened at my small group and it hit me: "people see me as a leader." It was the kind of situation that made me want to look behind me to see who they were really talking about when they were looking in my direction. As that realization began to settle in my grey matter I began to remember some of the things that God spoke to me before I started school. He shared with me that he would eventually bring me into a season where my passion for Him would be offensive, even to those who followed him, and that there would be people who would really not like me. He also has been reminding me that I cannot contextualize the truth to make it easy to swallow. I am called to speak the truth boldly.
I wonder if this is the beginning of that season.
I'm a little scared. Not so much that there will be people who are offended by me, but afraid of how I will respond. I'm so afraid that when it comes down to it, I'll speak only what people want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
The opportunity to be Jesus to this campus is fulfillment of God's promises and it is bigger than anything I can see. It's a piece of bringing the eternal kingdom to earth and it's evidence of God's faithfulness and love for His children... and I get to be part of it.
It's so humbling to think that the Lord and King of all creation would take the time to let me partner with him. In myself there's nothing worthy of His kingdom. Nothing I could put my hands to would be successful without the power of the living, breathing uncreated God. His plans are perfect. His plans rise above my attempts, my desires and even my fears.
That's straight truth, right there.
If you think about it, pray that God would reveal himself to the student body here. Pray that His glory would be revealed and that his presence would manifest on this campus. Pray that Yaks would give The Holy Spirit an opportunity to penetrate hardened hearts and mend broken ones. Pray that we would be used to reveal His glory and adoration and that Jesus' life would be evermore lived in us incarnationally.
As all of this moves forward I am left with a few words that press on my heart. They compel me to ignore fear and move forward with Jesus as my guide:
"This gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come" Matthew 24:14
"All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, as you go, disciple people in all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything that I've commanded you. And remember, I am with you each and every day until the end of the age."
Matthew 28:17-20
Let it be so...

Gideon Needs a Miracle

Please Pray for my friends.
It is their only resource that cannot be exhausted.
You can read their blog at www.thestairsfamily.com

When Spring Is Over, Summer Begins

It feels like it's been a while... There were the six things, but that was more fun than anything.
I guess you could say that there's a lot going on... May seems like it flew by!! So, let's see... Finals went well. I finished with the best GPA I've gotten since the beginning of Jr. High. It's so different wanting to be back in school instead of feeling obligated. School got out and the office thing started. It's really not that bad. Some days I think I'm going to go stir crazy, but 5:00 always comes eventually. I really like all of my co-workers. Most of them are women who are 10+ years older than me, and they are all so nice. I also cut off a good 10 inches of my hair. This is pretty much what the technical parts of my life has looked like for the majority of the past month... That is, until about a week ago.
If you look back and read some old posts you might pick up on a little of what God has been doing in me over the past year. A lot of that has involved going back to school. When I sensed God releasing me to go back to school, I sensed that it would be more than sitting in a classroom for four years, only to earn a piece of paper. I felt that there were things he wanted to use me for. I'll spare the details here, but it seemed clear to me that there was going to more to it than education. God provided and I went. Not only did I go, but I attempted to get involved with different things. I didn't know what other direction to go! I believed that I was called for a purpose! Things never panned out, and I spent the majority of the semester asking God why he had specifically called me to school if it was going to be fruitless. I knew that building relationships with people was important but I wouldn't be at school forever and that left me with an intense urgency. Time was short.
If only I had known what God was doing.
Now, here I am, on summer break and preparing to leave my office job to be a part of an incredible opportunity. In just a few short weeks, Yaks is going to be taking over the coffee shop at Simpson... Could I have planned it any better? No.
I'm so excited. I'm a little overwhelmed with the details of what the summer will look like (painting, flooring, building? demo? and training) and a little overwhelmed with the fact that running a coffee shop and going to school full time will be a very delicate balance.
But God is so good, and even now he is drawing me closer to him. He is beginning to hedge me in with his plans and purposes. Not just for the immediate future, but also for the long term. He's reminding me that I am completely useless apart from his strength and power. He is reminding me that in the midst of difficulty, his grace is sufficient. He is breaking me heart for my peers. He is breaking my heart for the church. He is reminding me that he doesn't condemn anyone because they deserve it. If that were the case I'd have a VIP ticket to Hell, and I'd get to ride the express train. If I'm to have my papa's heart for his kids, then I would be all but destroyed over the ones who don't know him. I still don't get that. My heart is not enough like His yet. I pray that He would do whatever it takes.
One last thing, before I crawl into my jammies and call it a night:
Caleb rode back to my place with me after group. His motorcycle is big and fast, and I have a little 50cc scooter that tops out at 40 (that is, if I'm riding downhill and there's a good tail wind) We were riding up a long straightaway and Caleb never rode more than a couple feet in front of me. He had the ability to ride off and leave me (and 35mph is slow) but he didn't. God reminded me that he could leave me at any time. He has the ability to make the world right in the blink of an eye, yet he lets me be a part of his plan. I get to partner with the creator of the universe, and it's not because I'm any good. He lets me join in because He loves me, and He wants me to share in His life.
I have nothing to offer from myself, but when He's right next to me, he makes up for all that I lack.

Six "Little Knowns"

Ok... So Caleb "tagged" me. That means I'm supposed to share six things about myself that may not be common knowledge. After much deliberation I've come up with six things that you may not already know.

1. I can fix stuff. That might sound really weird, but I know how to use some tools and I can usually figure things out enough to fix them. Not big things... Just small household stuff, like vacuums, toilets and office stuff. I can hang shelves, and I've built stuff. My mom and I used to fix everything ourselves (unless it was beyond repair) and we used to move everything and assemble everything on our own. I know how to change the oil in my scooter and I built a huge picture frame once... The funny thing about all of that is that I love to play the damsel in distress. Not because someone will come and rescue me, but because if someone else does it I don't have to. (besides, don't guys like to be "needed"?)

2. I'm sensitive. Although I am very confident in who I am and how God has made me, I get my feelings hurt very easily. Now, let me clarify a bit. I don't get offended often, but I get my feelings hurt easily. I want people to like me, and I don't ever want to offend anyone with my words or actions, but when I do offend people, or when someone doesn't like me I take it very personally. Usually, if you hurt my feelings you'll never know. I'll talk it out with God, and sometimes cry about it, but then I get over it. One other thing that falls under the whole sensitive subject is that I love Hallmark cards, but I can't go to Hallmark because I'll read cards for a long time, and I hate crying in public (i.e Hallmark cards make me cry)

3. I give off the image a ditsy bubblegum girl, but I am not at all. Some of the misconception comes with my personality, but there is an element of it that is intentional. People generally don't like deep, challenging, or thought provoking conversation so until I know how deep I can go with someone, I'm happy to play the bubblegum girl. The thing is though, that I'll wade in knee deep waters with anyone, but my hope is that eventually we will swim in immeasurable depths. It's sad to discover how few people are actually willing.

4. I took a DISC test and my results conflicted. The two personality types that I represented the most were polar opposite personality types... Not only were they polar opposites but the scores for the other two personality types, that each could have been complementary to one of my personality types, were really low. My Prof called me conflicted... But the test was dead on. (but rest assured, I don't have MPD!!)

5. I hate health insurance. I know that some people really need it, and I'm totally cool with that, but I'm pretty dang healthy and I rarely get sick. You're probably thinking "uhh... don't get health insurance, smart one!" But that's the thing... My University requires that I have health insurance. SO DUMB!! (and to top it all off, it doesn't have a vision plan... and that's the only doctor I visit every year without fail...) I know this sounds more like I pet peeve than anything (and, well it is a pet peeve) but the reason insurance irritates me so much is that America has cultivated a false sense of security with insurance, Social Security, 401Ks and all of those kinds of things... But how many people, despite having all of those benefits, lose everything in the blink of an eye??!!! Jesus is the only thing anyone will every truly be secure in!! If you need to go to the doctor a lot and insurance helps you out, then get insurance, but I have no use for it and I still have to pay through the nose to have it... So dumb...

6. The last little known fact is a fun one! When I graduated high school I went to school to study music with the intention of making it to Broadway. I have decent enough voice to at least be in chorus lines and I love theatre. I did plays in high school, and I thought that was what I would spend the rest of my life doing (until God took over and gave me a different direction). I still have little fantasies of performing on stage, and when I see a new musical, or hear a new soundtrack, I get stuck in performance land... If anyone wants to know the way to my heart, tell me how great I am in a Hallmark card that will make me cry, and then take me to a musical... Yes, it is that easy (assuming that Jesus has apprehended your life and you've surrendered it... well and some other details... ok, not as easy as I thought...)
Sometimes I ask God if he'll ever let me perform again. Maybe someday.

Anyway, that's it. six little things about me that you may, or may not, have known... I think I'm going to pick Jamie next.

Kerri

She really is amazing. If you don't believe it, read about it!!

Becoming...

Psalm 139:13-18
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb, Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and how well I know it, You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them: they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!

So, I've been wrestling with the idea that Christ's followers are seen as not guilty. I believe that despite our sin, God knows who he created us to be and that he sees us without sin when we surrender to Jesus. But, I know that I'm not there yet. I have yet to actually achieve righteousness and I am constantly botching things up.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

And then I mess up again. The critical judgments that I make about people are brought to my attention (by God, no less). I have to fall on my face and repent of my wickedness and ask to be changed, and then I have to walk it out, day by day, recognizing judgmental thoughts and retraining myself. I feel anything but perfect.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Then God shows me that not only am I critical of others, I'm also afraid of being judged. Yes, the roots always seem to run so much deeper. I am secure in who I am, but I still want people to like me, and I want to fit in. Then I doubt, and question myself. Maybe I'm not as secure as I thought... Would I ever leave Him?

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Reassurance settles in my bones and I breathe in deep breaths of relief. In an instant clarity comes and I know, again, that I am utterly adored. It doesn't matter who I am or what mistakes I make. My lover is enraptured by my beauty and I know that I am perfect in His eyes! The weight of it overwhelms me and still I know that I have not achieved this perfection.

I'm caught somewhere between the mortal world and the eternal world. I am, yet I still must become.

Lemons

I think my hands are like my soul, in that I seldom realize how many cracks and abrasions I have on my hands until I squeeze lemons.
Father, will you take this season and squeeze a "lemon" over my soul?

My Fate is Sealed

I finished my last final today.
The grade books are set in stone.
I'm officially on summer break!
Anyone wanna go kayaking?

Just a Little Laugh!

Apparently It's an old LP cover. I totally got a kick out of it!!

Something To Celebrate!!!

Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, he gave his disciples one last charge. It's told, in Matthew 28:18-20 that Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."





I checked my e-mail tonight and Linda had sent me pictures from Santa Cruz. Our church sent out Sean (Linda's his wife) and his team a little over a year ago to start a church there. I'm so proud of them!!
I was looking at the pictures and nearly started to cry. Not just because baptisms are amazing and exciting, but because I've heard the stories leading up to this event. I've heard the struggles and met a couple of the people. I even got to help baptize one of the girls doing the baptizing!! It's a testament to the fruit that will be produced when you surrender your life to God. What a beautiful thing!!

Sean, Man of God, I'm proud to call you my friend. I'm proud of your church and everyone in it. I pray blessings on you, and for a continued hunger for God in the hearts of your people. I know that you would never want to take credit for the Lord's work, and I admire that humility, but in words that you once told me, you do more than you think. I love you and I'm so excited to see what the next year brings!! Keep it up. I'm behind you all 100%

"This gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come." Matthew 24:14

2:00 am

Yes, the title is true. It's 2:00 in the morning on Thursday, April 17th and I am wide awake. It seems that this is becoming the trend. I know what you're probably thinking: "Of course Jessica's going to be awake at 2:00am. All college students are awake at 2:00am!" Well, let me start by saying that this is not normal sleep behavior for me, nor is it pleasant. I figure though, the less I sleep the more I could read, or pray... or invent things!!
I haven't read anything but text books and the bible, and I haven't prayed a ton. I haven't invented anything, but I have been thinking.
About what, you ask? Oh, well lots of things:
Identity, intimacy, discipleship, Worship, beneficial vs. Permissible, ministry, solitude, nature.
for a while there I was on the verge of a panic attack, but I'm feeling much better now. Here's some of what I came up with:
Identity: I know my identity. That is a work that Christ has already done in me and it is foolish to doubt something that is so founded. In doubting what I believe about who God had made me, I nullify the healing works that Christ has already accomplished. That doesn't mean that he will not reveal more of myself to me, but that who He has told me I am is truly who I am. Beautiful, creative, unique, powerful, strong, gentle, tender, loving, gifted and anointed (to name a few!)
Intimacy: The intimacy that we have with others in the world if vastly different from the intimacy that we have with others who contain within them the Holy Spirit. Deep calls to deep and the Spirit cultivates intimacy. With this I (we?) must be cautious. Intimacy binds hearts together and that bond it deeper where the spirit is involved. Intimacy is sacred.
Discipleship: Sean says it pretty good (click here!!) Discipleship is KEY in the growth and health of body of Christ
Worship: I'm leading worship for church on Sunday and I'm scared, but it's not about me. Holy spirit, I ask you to come and make yourself known. I ask that you would take center stage and that my heart would be purged of self-affirmation in this area. Help me to be a humble leader.
Beneficial Vs. Permissible: I'm allowed to do anything I want, but not everything will benefit my walk and my life with Jesus. Why am I not moving in a direction that seeks to uncover the permissible and replace it with the beneficial?? Note-to-self: This is something to really work on
Ministry: It's who you are, not what you do
Solitude: I need to fight for this. Solitude has easily been overrun by social time and homework. Yet another thing to work on
Nature: God is the ultimate creator and the beauty of his creation is astounding. Little fishes, tiny hummingbirds, flowers, trees and mountains... They all point back to Him. Even the simplest blade of grass is intricately woven to exact specifications... Evolution?? I beg to differ...

Anyway, that's some of what's been on my mind these past few weeks. Now maybe I'll be able to sleep...

She's Coming...

April 11th, 2008 and it's 81 degrees.
As I walk from a comfortably air conditioned classroom to my dorm I can feel it.
The dry air surrounds me and the smell of drying wild grasses is in the air. The sun soaks into the back of my black shirt.
Suddenly a coolish breeze unexpectedly leaps past me, providing a reprieve from the sun's heat, and I smile.
I'm taken back to waterfall hikes and kayaking on the lake. The weightlessness of jumping into the river from twenty feet above. The first headlong dive into a shaded pool...
Summer, being the seductress that she is, knows just how to entice me, and indeed the game has begun.

A Year Is Really Short

I was reading over some old blogs tonight. I had a thought at one point that it would be great to go back and read over the past year's writings. I know this year has been huge, but there's something about reading old stuff...
When I started blogging, a lot of it was because I hated sharing myself. I felt like God was prompting me to put myself out there for anyone to see, and it was so incredibly hard. It's been a deep internal struggle getting to the point where I can pour out my heart (within reason) and not care who reads it. I may have offended some of you, and for that I sincerely apologize. Some of you might be encouraged, and for that I praise God. Some of you might think I'm nuts.... and I don't really know what to say to that...
Anyway, I was reading one of the first blogs I wrote. I remember the season I was in with better clarity after looking back and seeing where God has taken me from. God was teaching me to let go. Let go of my insecurity, my doubt, my perfectionism. I think the past year can be summed up in this:

…Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal…
Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? “Father get me out of this”? NO! This is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, Father, put your glory on display.
-John12:24-25 & 27-28

I read this and started to cry. These words still resonate with me, but it looks different now. I'm still trying to die to the world, and I still want God's glory to be put on display in me, but at the same time I am worlds away from the person I was less than a year ago. I find it fascinating that I can come so far with this goal, and yet have so incredibly far to go.

"anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal... Father, put your glory on display."

I have no clue what it looks like for the next season, but I think things are brewing. The past couple months have been pretty mellow in comparison to the past few years, but I think it's only in preparation for what's to come.

Papa, I'm ready, and I want all you have for me. I'm so thankful for this restful time you've given me, but I'm ready for vacation to be over. Use me to bring your kingdom to the places that I occupy. Put your glory on display and teach me more of what it means to follow you.

The Deepest Death : Part II

I'm on spring break right now. It's nice to get away from school and it's great to see my family. It's also given me the opportunity to think about a lot of things that I had just put on the back burners to make room for classes and homework. Since last Friday (the day we left on our 3.5 day drive from Ca. to Tn.) I've had a lot of time to think about the difficulty I've been having at school and the tension there is between living the typical christian life, and living a life that is under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. On the way here to Tennessee I listened to one of the sessions from World Mandate 2007. Heather Mercer brings down the house as she speaks about the contrast between the kingdom of this age and the Kingdom of God. If anyone wants it I will gladly pass it along. In the session, Heather Mercer talks about the temptation to straddle both kingdoms. In an attempt to preach the gospel, we often water it down to make it easer for non believers to swallow. As she puts it, "Jesus becomes this warm and fuzzy kinda guy who doesn't have an absolute standard for our lives."
I've been wrestling with this at school. After living for so long in an environment where I was daily challenged to press into God, I've moved to an environment where I feel totally alone in my pursuit of Jesus (which is ironic, considering that I go to a Christian school) I know that this could be ill informed judgement, but I feel that it would be easier than ever to live my life as if it were just that... as if it were mine. But that isn't the truth! My life is not my own, because the day I went under the water, I died. As I was lifted out, my death to the world, and to myself, was completed. I was resurrected as a daughter, friend, lover and follower of Jesus Christ. In that act of baptism I vowed to forever submit myself to Jesus' rule. Why, then, is it still possible for me to live an apathetic life of comfort?
I think it's because the nature of Jesus is that he holds us with open arms, meaning he won't force us to stay. He has given us our inheritance but how it is spent is left up to us. If I want to play it safe and live a half life with him then I can. I can have the comforts of this world and still take the parts of Jesus that I want. I could go out and squander the grace I've been given by living for myself and proclaiming that Jesus' blood has covered me. I'd be off the hook, right? (I doubt it...) OR I could enter into the life that has been made available to me. The life that requires me to "sell all I have and follow Jesus." The things of this world are so appealing to me and it is so easy to fall into a cycle of apathy! (I've been fighting a losing battle against it since January!) But Jesus came to give life to the fullest. No wonder all attempts at gaining worldly comfort are found wanting. I've submitted myself to Jesus' rule and have seen a glimpse of the Eternal Kingdom of God!! It's folly to think that a kingdom that will pass away will have anything that satisfies.
I'll let you in on a secret (or rather something I wish I could keep secret)
I'm not there yet. If there's anything I've seen over this spring break, it's that although I am dead to my former self, I still think I can function in the ways I used to. Old habits die hard, and despite the pit in my stomach, there are still times when comfort looks appealing, pride digs it's claws in my back, and fear driven perfectionism shackles itself to my feet. As the battle against apathy wages on, my daily decisions decide more than how my life will be lived. There are countless stories throughout history that tell of a single person being the difference between victory and defeat. If one man can be the weight of victory or defeat for the entire world, maybe, if I'm on his side, I can help to bring God's kingdom to the little corner of the universe that I occupy. After all, what's the use of living for a kingdom that is here today and gone tomorrow?
I get so hung up on doing it right that I miss the mark. It's not about following Jesus perfectly, it's about being submitted to his rule. It's not about success, it's about obedience. I get hung up on success, forgetting Paul's words:
"...to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2cor. 12:7-10

I guess I've got it backwards...
Lord, will you make me weaker
so that your strength will be evident in me?
-let it be so

ACK!!

School is kicking my brain with a steel toed boot!!!
God, squash my pride before it suffocates me!!

The Deepest Death

I've been reading a daily devotional that is a compilation of good stuff written by Tozer. I came across this tonight:

"It is not enough the we are willing and eager to work for God, but the work itself must be of God. ... This is one of the deepest deaths that Christians are often called to die. Indeed, our work is unacceptable to God and useless to ourselves and others until it has first been bathed in the blood of Calvary and touched with the sign of crucifixion. It must cease to be our work and thus become His, and His alone.
-A.W. Tozer

Lord, may my actions and works be only yours. I only want to do things that bear the mark of your sacrifice. I only want to live a life that is fully submitted to you.

What Is Part I: Faith

Caleb has been asking some great thought provoking questions. Thanks Caleb, for letting me get in on the conversation. There's more to come, by the way. Stay tuned for parts two, three and four. With that said, Here are my thoughts on faith:
I think a good starting description, or definition, is in the book of Hebrews. It says, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Heb 11:1 NASB) How much more clear could it be!! But there's one problem. My little pea brain can't always process that concept, so I cry out "Lord, help me to know!! Help me to understand! I don't know if I can trust you!!" But if I would just read a little closer I'd see that that's sorta the point.
Romans 8:24 says "For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?" Of course!! How could I surrender to God if I knew everything about Him? How could I surrender to God if he revealed all of His mysteries to me? How could I trust God if I knew all of His intentions? If God were to reveal all of His plans and purposes to me I'd know what He knows and I wouldn't need him!
And, I don't know... but, I hope that Christ really did conquer death, and although I've never physically seen Him, faith is my assurance that Christ really did conquer death. It is the foundation of my conviction that God really does exist.
So, I guess that's it for now... Good topic though. Definitely worth mulling over for a bit.

It really happens...

I learned about something tonight that I thought only happened in movies. The school I'm going to has a team going to Cambodia this summer to work with an organization that brings people out of sex trades and trafficking. It's shocking. I think that everyone should at least be aware of it. I realized, after reading some of the information about human trafficking, that this is what the children at Wisdom Springs have been taken out of. It seemed so subtle when we were there, but this is far bigger than I ever realized. It's a rude awakening... If you want more info you can get it here.

Orthopraxy

You've shown me what to believe... Show me how to live...

In Honor...

Your life with Jesus was beautiful.
I'm sure your eternity with Him will be even better.
Give the Big Guy a high five for me!
We'll miss you, Bill.

The Slow Lane

This has got to be among the top 10 ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. Riding along on my 50cc Yamaha Vino, with the motley crew we've got, is better than ice cream! (unless, of course, you are riding with the crew to get ice cream together... that's the best of both worlds) If you think your life is boring, get a scooter. You'll never get bored in the slow lane as long as there are people this great to tootle along with you.

Go here to check out more...

The Values Of Paper vs. Passion

I had the best night. My good friend, Natalie, came and spent some time with me here at school. We went on a walk around the pond, we sat and watched the sun set, we looked at lichens and duck beds and red-winged blackbirds. Then we went to the worship part of a friday evening church service, and then we sat at Starbucks and talked. It was the best time!! We didn't talk about anything specific, but the conversation got me thinking about a lot of things, and it got me asking a lot of questions, but one in particular stands out.
Has higher education taken the place of discipleship in our society?
Think about it...
How did Jesus do discipleship? He had lots of disciples, but there were a core few. Jesus lived with those 12 men for about 3 years before he sent them out to do all that they would do to carry the gospel to the ends of the earth. How many Christians in America today live with people they are discipling, or being discipled by? How may Christians see the people they are discipling more than once a week? How about once a month? How many Christians are discipling nobody?

Now, think about this...

How many years did Jesus and his disciples go to college? What were their degrees in? What was their GPA?

Does it matter?

I think it does matter, and here's why. If you look at the majority of sending missions organizations, you'll see that they have stringent requirements on who can and can't be a missionary. Most places require at least a B.A. or a B.S. and increasingly more places require or at least request graduate work to be sent by them... How many of the disciples would be denied by a modern missions organization. Would Jesus himself even meet the requirements?

This is all very fresh, and not thoroughly thought through, so any feedback is welcome, but it seems to me that a higher education degree has become the qualifyer of a disciple of Christ. Shouldn't it be availability over ability, and shouldn't passion outweigh a piece of paper??
It seems to me that being in the trenches with Jesus and being in desperation for him would be far more qualifying. What ever happened to the value of character, integrity willingness and passion for Christ, and how do we get those back?

Good Words From Pastor Steve

"God is more like a wild lover than a remote philanthropic benefactor..."
Read more

Hummingbirds

It's getting warmer. This week it was almost 70 degrees!! That means that spring time things are starting to happen, and with that comes some tiny feathered friends. The hummingbird feeder hanging on our window is half gone!! Now, normally I would say that the "half empty" mentality is somewhat pessimistic, but in this case I think it is a very exciting thing! We have been frequented by little radiant red and green friends and it probably satisfies some little kid's princess fantasy inside of me, but I believe that I must feel something of what Snow White and Sleeping Beauty felt when they realized they could befriend little woodland creatures. Between the ridiculously loud frogs outside the window and the charming little hummingbirds that come to visit, I'd say I' m well on my way to living in a little cottage in the woods with three bickering fairies or seven very small men.

Ho Humm Day...

I don't normally get grouchy, but today is just one of those days. I remember when I used to think that having Jesus meant that I'd never get grouchy again. I guess there's more to following Jesus than being happy all the time, (despite the catchy melody of the inside outside upside downside happy all the time song...) I can't say that I'm disappointed, but I sure hope the grouchies go away quick. In the mean time, I guess I should try to bite my tongue and smile much more often than normal. I'm really glad that Jesus still loves me... and that tomorrow I get to try again....

A King And A Kingdom

Well, nearly a month has gone by since I started school and moved into the dorms. It's been such a different experience. I'm meeting everyone around me, and even having some deep, thought provoking conversations here and there. Although my classes haven't been academically challenging, the experience as a whole has been spiritually challenging. I want so badly to come along side of the spiritual leadership on campus, but in making my availability and willingness known, God had revealed more of my human nature and how it still looks so different from his nature. Even in some of my most well intended moments God showed me that there is still pride and ego. Whether I realize it or not, I still have ideas of what I think things should look like, which actually translates into having my own agenda. I'm still critical... and not just of myself.

Lord, would you change me!!??

Yet, as I'm reminded, ever so lovingly, that I haven't arrived, I hear my father whispering his heart for his people. In the book of John, in Chapter 21, after Jesus has risen, He challenges Peter:

15When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
16Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
17 The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep... Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

Even in everything that I've had the opportunity to learn, it all comes down to the simplicity of two things. Love God. Love People. It's so easy to forget that nothing else matters.

School is a blessing, and I'm learning, among other things, that everywhere you go is a spiritual classroom. The Holy Spirit is alive and moving in every breath and in each and every person who calls Jesus, Lord. And to think that all we need to do is take care of his sheep. I pray, Father, show me how.

True Foundational Studies

It's been ten days since the big move and I think the culture shock is beginning to ware off. Granted, I only moved across town, but the difference in culture and surroundings is VERY different. I'm now in the full time undergraduate college world. It's so strange. Aside from all of the changes and challenges and various other speed bumps along the way, it has been a wonderful week and a half!! I'm meeting more people than I can remember (the internal rolodex can't keep up!!) and I'm getting the feel of campus life again. I'm remembering what academia is like, and I am also thankful that I have a surprisingly small number of formal papers to do this semester!! I think the thing I am most thankful for, however, is the time that I took off of school.
I cannot even describe the difference it has made. I've been reflecting on the past few years over the past week and a half. If given the opportunity to go back and have a re-do, there are things I would have done differently, things I would skip over quickly and things that I would have held onto a little longer... There are a lot of things that I wish I had done better, or differently, but I wonder if it would have been as meaningful had it looked clean and pretty.
The things I am most thankful for are the trial of living in community with other broken and imperfect people, learning to take risks, learning to be vulnerable, realizing that there are few people I truly trust, learning that mis-trust feels safer, but separates people from one another... All of these are foundational lessons that have led me to here and now, and I'm finding out how no classroom could ever as effectively teach these lessons as experience would. What an honor it is to have had those experiences!! Despite the difficulty of them. God sure seems to know what he's doing.
I know this journey hold so much more and I'm so excited to have God's providence in the past revealed to me in the presence. We serve a Good God! Amen?

...In Remembrance Of Me

I never really understood communion. As a young girl, moving to many different places, and in and out of many different churches, I always thought it a strange ritual. I never could understand why we ate a stale cracker and and then washed it down with grape juice from a tiny cup. Now that I'm older I have found that I still don't understand it completely, but God has shared precious things with me about that sacred ritual that seems so odd.
Jesus came to set us free, right? He came to stand in our place on judgement day so that we would be found clean and free of sin, but what if there's more? What if that cleansing took place now, in this life here on earth.
A few weeks ago after a moving time of silence after communion, God began to speak to me heart. In our time of communion, God asked me to stop trying to keep myself safe. He asked me to let him be my protector. Then again, today, as we took communion, I heard the faint voice of my King whispering to me. It said, "You've always wanted something tangible of me. This is the tangible representation of my love for you. Do this in remembrance of me."

Our God is a tangible God. We can taste, see, smell and touch his goodness.