Looking Back

On Wednesday mornings there is a core staff meeting at Yaks. We wake up at about 5:00am and then go and open the shop for the day, then at 6:00 we all meet in the board room and go over tech stuff and take time to pray for our customers, and the relationships we are building with people. This past Wednesday we were finished very early so we took some time and each person shared what they are most thankful for, and what they hope God does in them over the next year. I began to think of all of the things that God has done, and I couldn't hold back the tears in thinking of his faithfulness.
This past year has been a difficult one. I look back and I see so much heartache. I see recall praying many prayers that went seemingly unanswered. I remember countless nights that I cried myself to sleep. Innumerable days of anger, fatigue, bitterness and sometimes sheer rage. I still remember, with little difficulty, feeling as if God had abandoned me, didn't love me, or worse yet, didn't care. I look back and remember what seemed so difficult, and I realize with hindsight's eyes that because of God's providential working this past year has been one of the most precious, raw and intimate years I have ever had with Him.
Yes, I have cried, but I have also learned to expose myself.
There were times I felt alone, but I learned that feeling alone does not determine my belief. God's promises are concrete.
often I felt abandoned, but God was there. He was, and is, faithful to reveal himself to those who love him.
Not only did I feel abandoned, but often times rejected by God, however, I discovered a sacred and intimate romance.
And possibly more important than any other, I have discovered the beauty in my innumerable imperfections. Those things that I spent so much energy trying to hide from the world, just might be the things that the world most desperately needs to see.
It's been a great year. One that I know I will look back on and long for, because I see now that God was so present. And as I move on I trust that there are more seasons to come where pressure will mount, and my faith will grow weak. The tears will most likely come often, because they always do, and God will always be God.
As I leave the security of a place that I have some to know and love, I pray that God will give me the strength to stand in him and not waver. I ask for the courage to say the things that need saying, without fear of offending, and without fear of rejection. I hope for grace. Grace for my mistakes and grace in myself for others. And most of all I ask for ears to hear God. Hear his call, his guidance, the whisper of his voice in my ear telling me of his love for me. Whispers telling me that I have captured his heart and his gaze with who he has made me, and not what I do for him.
After all, that's what he is telling us all, no matter whether we hear or not.

All of the things I wanted you to say
Only to be met with silence
All of the things I wanted to hear
And I never heard a single word
All of the things I wanted you to say
and all the time I just wasn't listening....