When Spring Is Over, Summer Begins

It feels like it's been a while... There were the six things, but that was more fun than anything.
I guess you could say that there's a lot going on... May seems like it flew by!! So, let's see... Finals went well. I finished with the best GPA I've gotten since the beginning of Jr. High. It's so different wanting to be back in school instead of feeling obligated. School got out and the office thing started. It's really not that bad. Some days I think I'm going to go stir crazy, but 5:00 always comes eventually. I really like all of my co-workers. Most of them are women who are 10+ years older than me, and they are all so nice. I also cut off a good 10 inches of my hair. This is pretty much what the technical parts of my life has looked like for the majority of the past month... That is, until about a week ago.
If you look back and read some old posts you might pick up on a little of what God has been doing in me over the past year. A lot of that has involved going back to school. When I sensed God releasing me to go back to school, I sensed that it would be more than sitting in a classroom for four years, only to earn a piece of paper. I felt that there were things he wanted to use me for. I'll spare the details here, but it seemed clear to me that there was going to more to it than education. God provided and I went. Not only did I go, but I attempted to get involved with different things. I didn't know what other direction to go! I believed that I was called for a purpose! Things never panned out, and I spent the majority of the semester asking God why he had specifically called me to school if it was going to be fruitless. I knew that building relationships with people was important but I wouldn't be at school forever and that left me with an intense urgency. Time was short.
If only I had known what God was doing.
Now, here I am, on summer break and preparing to leave my office job to be a part of an incredible opportunity. In just a few short weeks, Yaks is going to be taking over the coffee shop at Simpson... Could I have planned it any better? No.
I'm so excited. I'm a little overwhelmed with the details of what the summer will look like (painting, flooring, building? demo? and training) and a little overwhelmed with the fact that running a coffee shop and going to school full time will be a very delicate balance.
But God is so good, and even now he is drawing me closer to him. He is beginning to hedge me in with his plans and purposes. Not just for the immediate future, but also for the long term. He's reminding me that I am completely useless apart from his strength and power. He is reminding me that in the midst of difficulty, his grace is sufficient. He is breaking me heart for my peers. He is breaking my heart for the church. He is reminding me that he doesn't condemn anyone because they deserve it. If that were the case I'd have a VIP ticket to Hell, and I'd get to ride the express train. If I'm to have my papa's heart for his kids, then I would be all but destroyed over the ones who don't know him. I still don't get that. My heart is not enough like His yet. I pray that He would do whatever it takes.
One last thing, before I crawl into my jammies and call it a night:
Caleb rode back to my place with me after group. His motorcycle is big and fast, and I have a little 50cc scooter that tops out at 40 (that is, if I'm riding downhill and there's a good tail wind) We were riding up a long straightaway and Caleb never rode more than a couple feet in front of me. He had the ability to ride off and leave me (and 35mph is slow) but he didn't. God reminded me that he could leave me at any time. He has the ability to make the world right in the blink of an eye, yet he lets me be a part of his plan. I get to partner with the creator of the universe, and it's not because I'm any good. He lets me join in because He loves me, and He wants me to share in His life.
I have nothing to offer from myself, but when He's right next to me, he makes up for all that I lack.

Six "Little Knowns"

Ok... So Caleb "tagged" me. That means I'm supposed to share six things about myself that may not be common knowledge. After much deliberation I've come up with six things that you may not already know.

1. I can fix stuff. That might sound really weird, but I know how to use some tools and I can usually figure things out enough to fix them. Not big things... Just small household stuff, like vacuums, toilets and office stuff. I can hang shelves, and I've built stuff. My mom and I used to fix everything ourselves (unless it was beyond repair) and we used to move everything and assemble everything on our own. I know how to change the oil in my scooter and I built a huge picture frame once... The funny thing about all of that is that I love to play the damsel in distress. Not because someone will come and rescue me, but because if someone else does it I don't have to. (besides, don't guys like to be "needed"?)

2. I'm sensitive. Although I am very confident in who I am and how God has made me, I get my feelings hurt very easily. Now, let me clarify a bit. I don't get offended often, but I get my feelings hurt easily. I want people to like me, and I don't ever want to offend anyone with my words or actions, but when I do offend people, or when someone doesn't like me I take it very personally. Usually, if you hurt my feelings you'll never know. I'll talk it out with God, and sometimes cry about it, but then I get over it. One other thing that falls under the whole sensitive subject is that I love Hallmark cards, but I can't go to Hallmark because I'll read cards for a long time, and I hate crying in public (i.e Hallmark cards make me cry)

3. I give off the image a ditsy bubblegum girl, but I am not at all. Some of the misconception comes with my personality, but there is an element of it that is intentional. People generally don't like deep, challenging, or thought provoking conversation so until I know how deep I can go with someone, I'm happy to play the bubblegum girl. The thing is though, that I'll wade in knee deep waters with anyone, but my hope is that eventually we will swim in immeasurable depths. It's sad to discover how few people are actually willing.

4. I took a DISC test and my results conflicted. The two personality types that I represented the most were polar opposite personality types... Not only were they polar opposites but the scores for the other two personality types, that each could have been complementary to one of my personality types, were really low. My Prof called me conflicted... But the test was dead on. (but rest assured, I don't have MPD!!)

5. I hate health insurance. I know that some people really need it, and I'm totally cool with that, but I'm pretty dang healthy and I rarely get sick. You're probably thinking "uhh... don't get health insurance, smart one!" But that's the thing... My University requires that I have health insurance. SO DUMB!! (and to top it all off, it doesn't have a vision plan... and that's the only doctor I visit every year without fail...) I know this sounds more like I pet peeve than anything (and, well it is a pet peeve) but the reason insurance irritates me so much is that America has cultivated a false sense of security with insurance, Social Security, 401Ks and all of those kinds of things... But how many people, despite having all of those benefits, lose everything in the blink of an eye??!!! Jesus is the only thing anyone will every truly be secure in!! If you need to go to the doctor a lot and insurance helps you out, then get insurance, but I have no use for it and I still have to pay through the nose to have it... So dumb...

6. The last little known fact is a fun one! When I graduated high school I went to school to study music with the intention of making it to Broadway. I have decent enough voice to at least be in chorus lines and I love theatre. I did plays in high school, and I thought that was what I would spend the rest of my life doing (until God took over and gave me a different direction). I still have little fantasies of performing on stage, and when I see a new musical, or hear a new soundtrack, I get stuck in performance land... If anyone wants to know the way to my heart, tell me how great I am in a Hallmark card that will make me cry, and then take me to a musical... Yes, it is that easy (assuming that Jesus has apprehended your life and you've surrendered it... well and some other details... ok, not as easy as I thought...)
Sometimes I ask God if he'll ever let me perform again. Maybe someday.

Anyway, that's it. six little things about me that you may, or may not, have known... I think I'm going to pick Jamie next.

Kerri

She really is amazing. If you don't believe it, read about it!!

Becoming...

Psalm 139:13-18
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb, Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- and how well I know it, You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them: they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!

So, I've been wrestling with the idea that Christ's followers are seen as not guilty. I believe that despite our sin, God knows who he created us to be and that he sees us without sin when we surrender to Jesus. But, I know that I'm not there yet. I have yet to actually achieve righteousness and I am constantly botching things up.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

And then I mess up again. The critical judgments that I make about people are brought to my attention (by God, no less). I have to fall on my face and repent of my wickedness and ask to be changed, and then I have to walk it out, day by day, recognizing judgmental thoughts and retraining myself. I feel anything but perfect.

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Then God shows me that not only am I critical of others, I'm also afraid of being judged. Yes, the roots always seem to run so much deeper. I am secure in who I am, but I still want people to like me, and I want to fit in. Then I doubt, and question myself. Maybe I'm not as secure as I thought... Would I ever leave Him?

But God tells me that I'm perfect in His eyes...

Reassurance settles in my bones and I breathe in deep breaths of relief. In an instant clarity comes and I know, again, that I am utterly adored. It doesn't matter who I am or what mistakes I make. My lover is enraptured by my beauty and I know that I am perfect in His eyes! The weight of it overwhelms me and still I know that I have not achieved this perfection.

I'm caught somewhere between the mortal world and the eternal world. I am, yet I still must become.

Lemons

I think my hands are like my soul, in that I seldom realize how many cracks and abrasions I have on my hands until I squeeze lemons.
Father, will you take this season and squeeze a "lemon" over my soul?